FAILED BANDS OF OKLAHOMA (FBO)

FBO: "Oklahoma on LP.com? Sacre Bleu!"

2011-08-15T08:31:00.002-05:00

This happened:

Lonely Planet, who publishes guidebooks to more destinations than any other publisher, is leading the week... with Oklahoma.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Queens, NY

FBO: "Maiden on Fox"

2011-08-04T10:09:00.001-05:00

This happened:

FBO: Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson

2011-08-02T08:41:00.002-05:00

FBO's Robert Reid recently met up with Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden, and talked travel & rock life. Music: courtesy of Tulsa's Bozack, featuring FBO member Terry Waska.

FBO Admin
Semi-Permanent HQ -- Queens, NY

FBO: "What Happened to All the Rage in Dallas?"

2011-07-27T09:55:00.002-05:00

Fisherman's Wharf in Victoria, British Columbia, at 8:30am is a little quiet. On a day with a bike in the 'most English town in Canada' recently, I pedalled there. Walked about the boxy floating homes. Saw a dog. Flower pots. Some Canadian flags. A few folks waiting to head out on a whale trip. And a box of free CDs with a hand-drawn sign: 'free CDs.'

I immediately picked up one: the self-titled 1998 release of Edmonton's All the Rage in Dallas.

Finally listening weeks later, I get the feeling ATRID really didn't agree on what they wanted. Thirteen years on, only the 'heavy metal looking guy' (and his haircut) survives -- Don Heberling, who is the 'band leader' per the website. Notably, the more country-leaning, flat-toned moustached singer Ralph Kendrick (no, not this Ralph Kendrick) is long gone.

Their website sadly notes their 1998 CD 'enjoyed some airplay,' and offers a few mp3s of more recent songs.

Victoria. ATRID. The FBO just wants to thank you.

FBO Admin
Semi-permanent HQ -- Queens, NY

Eight Songs You Shouldn't Like (But You Do)

2010-07-15T10:30:00.001-05:00

Some songs are better than others, and some are just off. But specks of golden nugget shine from these piles too. To find what I mean, throw out the music with any ironic or pure nostalgic appeal -- Poison, Britney Spears, "Material Girl," "We are the World," Cyndi Lauper -- and sift through those musicians that tend to take themselves a bit to seriously, put a little too much spice in their mustard. They aim for Dylan, but end up a bit south of Joel. And I love them for it.

If you read this list, and say, 'hey that's actually really good.' Well, yeah, you're right. But know that you/we are are bonehead wrong too. Because we shouldn't like them.

Don Henley, "The Heart of the Matter."
There is no songwriter in the history of music that is harder to blare on your car speakers at intersections than Donald Henley. Look, he's good (and don't pretend you don't like "Desperado," plus his worst is much better than that Eagle dufus Glen Frey), but he's too uppity and chumpity to take too seriously. Plus he drums. This song -- from "End of the Innocence," an album where he actually stooped to collaborate with Bruce Hornsby -- is deceptively good, with a tolerable bridge (the '80s were hell on bridges). And I like how you never know who cheated on who, and how he says "I think it's about forgiveness," but not sure.

Oasis, anything Oasis.
I once dared a friend to walk down St Marks Place in the East Village with an Oasis shirt on. He didn't do it. And I don't blame him. Oasis are kings of songs you shouldn't like, but you do -- and yes, you do like them. The reason? Because Oasis are very very good. And the more they try to be serious, the more delirious the guilt is. Plus their haircuts are cute.

David Gray, "The Other Side."
David really really wants to be taken seriously; he has that little head bob when emotion gets the better of him, as his fingertips pepper the piano keys in his aim to heart-break a sad-eyed lass of the Midlands. But that head-bob, seriously, I have to look the other way every time he does it. But dammit, the guy's good. This song is as embarrassing as any song I've heard over 10 times, willingly. And I'm charmed by the tenacity (couldn't quite say "specious") of the line "love is a raven when it flies." Um, no David, it's not.

Jefferson Starship, "Find Your Way Back."
The Bay Area is a hotbed of musical mediocrity. I don't care about Metallica and CCR -- or rather not enough to change my mind -- but it cannot make up for a city built on rock'n'roll, Huey Lewis' sax solos, the kneel-down cries of "you're motoring!" at the end of "Sister Christian" or anything Steve Miller. But this -- sung with a dandy of a moustached singer -- is just good. The 12-string acoustics, the Ramones-like chorus progression freckled with unnecessary organ. Listen in during the second verse for that tacked-on, scaled-down segway ("you got no place to be/still you wonder where you're going") with all sorts of bearded NoCal bandmates chipping in on the vocals. Well done Jeff Star.

Stevie Nicks & Don Henley, "Leather & Lace."
Henley, I'm telling you -- he just crumples all he touches. This little tender one from 1981 doesn't seem to get the airplay it once did. Expect a revival soon. But you shouldn't like it for a very clear reason: the image of Stevie letting her lace down, with Don -- bearded, hairy Texan Don -- leaning in towards her, covered in LEATHER (!?), then giving that long, meaningful pause in his second verse after he sings "and sometimes I cry..." He lets that hang for a while. Giving you the chance to just imagine him -- a serious Texan -- putting his hand down on his leather chaps and looking up to reflect, with mirrored tearways equally running across both of his bearded cheeks. Don, and I mean this, thank you.

Collective Soul, "December."
Oh, this one hurts. There has never been a bigger group of posers than Stockbridge, Georgia's C-Soul. For proof, just listen to their first big song "Shine," and how Ed Roland -- apparently in all seriousness -- pops in that affected "yeah" at each pause of the inevitable testicular riff (children, don't do what I've done). But "December." Despite the break into occasional palm-to-forehead-slapping Eddie Vedderish growls, easier-going "December" bubbles with violins, Byrds-y guitars with nice guitar crescendos and air-conditioned backing vocals layered on top of the building outro. OK Roland, you win.

Elton John, "I Guess That's Why They Call it the Blues."
Elton, you had me as soon as you had that overly earnest, possibly English-as-a-second-language backing chorus echoing you at the end with overly enunciated lines "laugh-ing like chil-dren, livv-ing like luvv-errrs." Not to mention that fake Stevie Wonder harmonica solo. Rule: Never do that. But Elton did, and in the end some songs are better without rules.

Ringo Starr & the All-Star Band, "Love Me Do."
This is very simply the best song of all time -- and I sort of mean it. Adding an extra minute to a song he never sang for a 1998 VH1 special, Ringo and his cast of almost-huge bandmates (including Jack Blades of Night Ranger) try to fill every possible gap, with oversung vocals, 'oh yeahs,' and guitar trills that had no part, with reason, in the original. It's overstuffed with effort, and love, and for some reason it absolutely works. Perhaps just because Ringo makes everything happy. Actually I DO play this loud at intersections.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permenent HQ -- Queens, NY

FBO: "Oklahomans Group to Portray 12-Second Reenactment of the Shooting of James A. Garfield"

2010-02-18T11:15:00.002-06:00

In the recent 22nd episode of SSSTS (76-Second Travel Show), a group of Oklahomans (three, 'Garfield's admirer' is an out-of-state) recreated a moment in history.

Here is the cast:

ERIC DAVISON

as 'The Ohioan President' (James A Garfield)

JOHN WHITAKER

as Charles Guiteau

DAMON COOK
as Garfield's friend

EHREN GRESEHOVER
as Garfield's admirer

FBO: 'Song for Manhattan Bridge'

2010-01-06T10:23:00.001-06:00

Oklahoman Beau Jennings was asked to write a song for the Manhattan Bridge, which turned 100 last week. The party held for it drew about 11. Streams of pedestrians, even on a snowy morning, crossed Brooklyn Bridge just south. Here's the video with the non-failed song:

FBO: "Most Enigmatic Drum Solo of All Time"

2009-11-12T08:48:00.002-06:00

Please see the 1:10 mark of from this Hungarian new wave band TRABANT's version of "Eskimo Women Feel Cold." You won't regret the time spent:

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Failed Photographer at Vikings Game (Likely Fired)'

2009-09-28T12:35:00.004-05:00

Everyone's talking about Brett Favre's winning TD pass (and Greg Lewis' winning catch) that felled the San Francisco '49ers with 0:02 remaining. What has only caught the FBO's eyes is the underachiever sports photographer, standing two feet from the amazing catch, who didn't think to raise his camera as a potentially game-winning lob was made to his doorsteps with a couple clicks to go. 'Probably will be incomplete,' he probably thought.

NOTE the following. The photographer, in a snappy red vest, is to the right of 'TD' graphic on screen. He's slightly hunched, holding his $5,300 camera at belt level:

Greg Lewis falls at his feet. He looks placidly, without emotion or camera in shooting position. Even the fan above has a finger of disbelief already pointed at Lewis. Meanwhile, note the short-haired guy to the right, also caught out of position:

An audience member has time to lean over the stands, Greg Lewis to catch and now raise the ball, a ref signalling TD, but our paid photographer looks on.

'Hold a tic. I better get this one,' he thinks. What's more bizarre, his short-haired counterpart starts taking the photographer's photo!

Our failed hero finally gets a shot of the back of Lewis already back in the endzone. The counterpart -- probably his supervisor -- gets documentary evidence of underachievement.

Someone make a t-shirt out of this:

FBO: 'Bans Scarborough Fair'

2009-08-20T10:10:00.002-05:00

Woodstock turned 40 recently, and a British group is trying to ban remembrances of it, called Traditionalist Brits Against Woodstock.

It's worth reminding everyone that England's Scarborough Fair was originally a mall, and regardless what you think of CSNY's awful song 'Woodstock,' produced one of the most self-indulgent, inconsiderate songs of all time: 'Scarborough Fair.' (See its offensive lyrics here.)

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Oklahoma Gazette Endorses Failure, Tall Tales'

2009-08-13T20:16:00.003-05:00

Tall Tales is set to play its second show in 15 years tomorrow night at Norman's Deli, and Rob Collins of the Oklahoma Gazette has taken note in this profile of all things past, and all things planned.

The article also celebrates, tributes and endorses -- by mention -- the Failed Bands of Oklahoma's planned show in Guymon: The FBO Night in the Panhandle.

This show -- which has an open invite to all failed bands (never signed), with at least 65% original songs, and at least 10 years ago -- simply must happen. It is not necessary to be from Oklahoma to be included in the Failed Bands of Oklahoma. And the show will also include failed magicians.

If you qualify, let us know.

Meanwhile, if you've ever wondered how they decide who dies first in Civil War re-enactments, here's your answer, of sorts:

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Best Sax Player of All Time'

2009-08-09T18:01:00.000-05:00

Those of you paying attention to MTV in the early '90s remember this guy. Well. Pink Floyd was back together, again without Roger Waters who essentially wrote all their music, and hired Scott Page to play sax.

Has there ever been anyone with a more immortal mullet than this? Ever?

FBO Admin Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'FBO Nearly on CNN'

2009-08-08T09:23:00.001-05:00

Recently FBO member tried to talk about Failed Bands of Oklahoma on CNN International, but unfortunately the interview was cut off just before the subject of 'unusual travel' reached Guymon, Oklahoma.

Tall Tales will pick up the battle axe for failed-band awareness on August 14. There have been some TT interviews with the Oklahoma Gazette, so hopefully that'll appear soon.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Be In a Band'

2009-07-28T09:12:00.002-05:00

The FBO Band is on a summer hiatus -- 98 degrees and no AC is never good for inspired rock -- but a couple members WILL be seeing Steely Dan playing Aja in its entirety at New York's Beacon Theater tonight. The last time I was there was February 1993. I moved from Oklahoma with a Keith Richards ticket for the Beacon and it's ended up being Keith's last-ever solo concert. For now anyway.

To pacify eager listeners, here's a demo version of a 'Be In a Band' to listen to. Feel free to vote on whether it should be scrapped, extended, or ended with a long guitar solo.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'This Happened'

2009-07-26T21:51:00.002-05:00

FBO Member Robert Reid has been very busy lately, but managed an article in the New York Times today. It's on a bizarre, fun neighborhood in Bogota, Colombia, that had crackhouses as recently as five years ago -- now a couple dozen-plus restaurants and a very welcoming crew of locals and expats.

Meanwhile, Tall Tales plans to preview one song from their 2009 LP, tentatively titled 'By Mitch's Candles/Day Ranger,' at the August 14 show at the Deli in Norman.

Oh, did anyone know that the US had a Board on Geographic Names? Looking forward to more study on this, and why there are only five places in the country with apostrophes.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'When Is This Right?'

2009-07-16T08:55:00.002-05:00

This image -- of a Belgian -- shows the mortal blow of a unicorn. It's from a 15th-century wall tapestry hanging at New York's fascinating Cloisters museum, part of the Met. It's sit on a hilltop at the very north of Manhattan, and missed by most visitors. The building itself is made from dissassembled/reassembled monasteries of Spain and France.

Medieval times!

Doesn't answer why you see a unicorn, and go kill it.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'When Monuments Tweet'

2009-07-03T19:17:00.001-05:00

Stolen from Reidontravel.com:

This week the Statue of Liberty joined Twitter (@StatueLibrtyNP), peppering its 92 and increasing number of followers with slightly-less-than-fun facts about its crown, history and sold-out tours. (I go in early August – managing to get what I couldn’t for the recent Leonard Cohen concert in NYC: a ticket.)

When I heard about her joining, I did what we all did – immediately reached out to other monuments (the St Louis Arch, the Liberty Bell, the Taj Mahal) to see if they have accounts and I stumbled into a HIGHLY SECRETIVE Twitter mini-group of monuments and spied on the following conversation between some of the world’s great monuments.

Here's a portion of what was said:

@StatueLibrtyNP Hey, tours of my crown start this week – first time since NineLev.
@GoldenGateBr Sounds cool
@LibertyBell Awesome : )
@TulsaGoldnDrillr Not to echo the Bell but awesome
@StLouisArch Big deal. You have to climb stairs don’t you?
@StatueLibrtyNP That’s right.
@StLouisArch Get back to us when you don’t have to walk up.
@SearsTower What, you mean have something like your old cranky ‘2001’-type elevator thing? No thanks.
@StLouisArch Beg your pardon, it’s a TRAM. And it goes 4mph.
@TulsaGoldnDrillr Gee, I just lean on a derrick.
@LibertyBell Hey Sears, you have that glass floor thing now???
@SearsTower Yep, visitors get to stare down 103 floors below their feet. Can’t do that at KL’s Petronas.
@LibertyBell Hope it doesn’t crack. ; )
@StLouisArch Enough of that dumb crack. We need to start a new group for monuments that aren’t defective.
[enter @ArchesNP]
@ArchesNP Hey guys, what’s happening?
@StLouisArch Out!
@GoldenGateBr Yeah sorry ANP, but this group isn’t for natural monuments. @BigBend makes that mistake all the time.
@ArchesNP My bad.
[@ArchesNP exits]
[enter @EmpireStBldg]
@EmpireStBldg What’s up mofos?
@SearsTower Hey shortie.
@StLouisArch Emp, don't you think mofus is more accurate?
@EmpireStBldg Whatev. I see you haven't changed Archy.
[@StatueLibrtyNP exits]
@StLouisArch What lights are you today, Mr Project Runway?
@EmpireStBldg July 4th is tomorrow. Take a wild guess.
@SearsTower Green?
@EmpireStBldg I wish.
@GoldenGateBr Empire, what do you think about the Statue reopening?
[@TulsaGoldnDrillr exits]
@EmpireStBldg All for it. Anything to distract from that underachiever obs deck at @RockefellerCentr.
[@TourEiffel enters]
@TourEiffel Bonjour, j'ai besoin d'un conseil!
[@StLouisArch, @SearsTower @EmpireStBldg, @GoldenGateBr exits]
@LibertyBell Come again???!?

FBO: 'FB is not for FaceBook'

2009-07-03T04:32:00.002-05:00

Facebook hates the Failed Bands of Oklahoma, as it proved a few days ago by trashing FBO Member #001's account without warning. 'Tall Tales' had a FB account there, where photos and videos and tidbits were shared with a number of followers. Then access was denied, and an email explained, that it was cancelled because 'Tall Tales' isn't a person.

The Gin Blossoms, a non-failed band, still have an active account with Facebook.

Tall Tales will try to start over the process with a new account as a 'band' -- apparently a loophole easily missed during sign up. But Facebook is not allowed to use the Failed Bands of Oklahoma site for two years.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

FBO: 'Lamenting Mortality of Post Cards'

2009-06-28T21:03:00.002-05:00

Email. Twitter. Facebook. FAXES! Text messages. Skype calls.

All is fine and good. But it spells the death of the post card.

Not long ago, travel was about postcards. Shopping for bad ones shot by photographers in the '70s and repackaged in print throughout the '80s and Gin Blossoms-era '90s. We'd sit around on trains, in parks, on beaches, at hotel breakfast buffets WRITING, physically writing, post cards to let people know you are there, and they are not.

That's done.

At least we have the free Braum's e-card.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'In Melbourne'

2009-06-23T04:10:00.002-05:00

The Failed Bands of Oklahoma are in Melbourne, Australia, to gauge prospects of a performance in Victoria. Melbourne is an interesting city. Taxi drivers have no idea where they're going, for one thing. Today a cab went the opposite direction of my destination -- refusing to use the GPS system to find a location he clearly had no idea where it was; 'it's my second day,' he explained. Finally had to exit, flag down another taxi, get his map and direct him -- practically block by block -- to reach a fairly well known neighborhood.

Last time here, I saw a dead kangaroo on the road to the airport.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Melbourne, Australia

FBO: Tall Tales to Play 2nd Show in 16 Years

2009-06-17T10:43:00.002-05:00

TALL TALES, FBO Member #001, will perform - in concert - on August 14 at the Deli in Norman, Oklahoma. Bassist Mitch Newlin promised there 'will be a surprise.' It's not yet known if it will be a four-piece or five-piece version involving Robert E Reid.

Meanwhile, the first recordings of new Tall Tales songs are underway. One song is called 'Fingernail Biter.'

Dan Fallis explains, 'I put every ounce of my emotion into a two-minute song. I probably won't do that again.'

In other news, you can vote on one of the three (possibly) cutest photos of all time at ReidOnTravel.com.

FBO Admin Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Detroit Red Wings'

2009-06-08T19:48:00.002-05:00

Not often you get snubbed by Stanley Cup athletes in an elevator. It's happened, to the FBO, in Pittsburgh.

Here on a brief fact-finding mission to West Pennsylvania, FBO happens to be sharing a hotel with Red Wings players, who arrived today -- along with beards and big red bags -- to a hotel on the Allegheny downtown. Two players approached our elevator, and we kept it open for them. 'No, it's OK. We got that one,' pointed to the next elevator.

We hope the Penguins win.

Meanwhile, Kenny Chesney played the Steelers football stadium on Saturday night, and a nearby sidewalk vendor -- standing with a cane -- was selling cowboy hats and Confederate flags. Asked if he normally sells the latter. "Not here, no."

This man was not invited to the Failed Bands of Oklahoma Panhandle show.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

FBO: 'Trying to Save San Diego'

2009-06-04T15:52:00.003-05:00

More cross-blogging...

FBO member Robert Reid spoke with San Diego's FM 94.9 about how to save San Diego today (listen here) and released a director's-cut video-feed of the process.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Travel Meets Politics, Has a Drink'

2009-06-02T12:20:00.002-05:00

Travel to some Tulsa hotels, clearly, overlap into the world of Drug Travel (see post below). Others clash into politics. FBO member Robert Reid discusses so on World Hum today.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Lends a Comforting Shoulder for Sam Patel's Tears'

2009-05-30T14:50:00.004-05:00

Everything is good when this happens. Someone's been cooking up some meth -- an illegal drug -- in a $25 hotel room in Tulsa, the city found out, and wrote a letter to the hotel owner Sam Patel about it.

And Sam Patel is FURIOUS.

He's furious not about the druggies he checks into the hotel, or ignores the smells emanating from room 106 a few doors down from his office at all hours. He's furious about the city's 'TONE' in the letter.

The letter read:

"You must cease allowing drugs to be used, sold or possessed on the property."

Clearly the letter should have read:

"It'd be great if we could stop all that meth and heroin going on at your hotel, considering it's illegality and such. Up for meeting for a coffee to brainstorm on how to keep it out? Btw did you catch the Idol finale? Ruled! -xoxo"

Sam Patel, who has received four ordinance violations from the city now, may have to pay up to $500. He told the Tulsa World, "The city needs to send a better letter than this."

Sam Patel, the FBO is WITH YOU.

FBO Admin Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Talks about Robert Reid'

2009-05-28T20:35:00.001-05:00

Robert Reid, an FBO participant and member, is now the Lonely Planet Travel Editor and spokesperson in the US. Some things about it are here.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Adopts Robert Reid'

2009-05-25T11:52:00.002-05:00

The 'King of the Rebound' -- Robert Reid, who played for the Houston Rockets from 1977 to 1991 -- is in India (per a stunningly mistake-prone article) teaching Punjabis how the fundamentals of the ball game called basketball. In a sense, this is exactly what the Failed Bands of Oklahoma has been trying to do since January 2006.

Robert Reid, we adopt you.

Meanwhile, Magic Johnson acknowledges Robert Reid in unsubtle ways in 1981.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Failed Pakistani Band Invited to Panhandle Show'

2009-05-19T07:10:00.004-05:00

Failed band in Pakistan, LAAL, is part of youth movement called "Responsible Citizens" to collect trash on the streets in Lahore. Apparently tired of the nation's apathy, the Taliban organizing and taking over lands, and of trash, the group meets to pick up trash in public areas.

We would like LAAL to come to the Panhandle Show to perform. We'll take care of the trash ourselves.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Panhandle Show News & Plan'

2009-05-18T06:42:00.000-05:00

OCTOBER 29

A Halloween rock show at Tulsa's legendary Cains -- a stage that's hosted Bob Wills and the Sex Pistols' second-to-last show over the years -- may feature a five-piece-version Tall Tales this October, so the FBO is planning to stage the long-awaited Panhandle Show of Failed Bands around this time.

The show would include Tall Tales, Asylum, Soul Shaker, Cinder Biscuits, and we hope Rich Trott's Palace Family Steakhouse from San Francisco as well as Ancient Chinese Penis.

To expand the draw, the FBO is considering Failed Bands' Classes as part of the event. The idea was inspired after seeing an article about amateur guitarists combining travel in the English Lakes District with learning.

FBO Failed Bands' Workshops would include:

* Winner Bass Techniques, by Mitch Newlin
* Creating Bag-of-Lyrics, by David Cantrell
* Magic, by Danny Fallis
* Creating Your Own Studio, by Alan Hiserodt
* Dance, by Ty Kamm
* Guitar Sounds, by Gregg Dobbs

FBO Admin Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Failed Bands of Oklahoma Band Needs Singer'

2009-05-11T10:24:00.000-05:00

We're open to technological advances, so begin the FAILED BANDS OF OKLAHOMA BAND: SINGER SEARCH with a vlog:

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Pie Charts not Pies'

2009-05-06T10:04:00.002-05:00

While working for Lonely Planet in London earlier this decade, I started up the LP Sandwich Club. A handful of willing folks and I would head out once weekly, usually within Clerkenwell, and go to a local restaurant and order sandwiches. The same sandwiches. We'd eat togtether, but keep our impressions to ourselves. Back at the office, we'd indivdually rank the sandwich, (1 for a baddie, 5 for top-shelf), then pool together our cumulative rankings, record the individual and group scores on an Excel document and forward the results, with a challenge!, to LP's Oakland office to do the same.

We sought to alleviate a little cubicle boredom and get some mid-day nourishment and, if lucky, mystify local business while doing it.

In today's New York Times, I see that Manhattan has its own (newer!) version with a Burger of the Month Club, who go to various restaurants, record rankings of 13 factors with ratings of +4 to -2. Members alternate choices, and pre-plan with the hopes of getting one of the year's best, thus advancing to a post-season tourney to determine the city's best burger spotter, and best burger. (Primehouse at Park Ave & 27th St has their best. I've particularly enjoyed Queen's Donovan's Pub in the past, which makes their top five.)

They seem a bit macho for my tastes, but I'm a believer in their tactics. I think travel -- or a lunch, Super Bowl party or group screenings of The Patriot -- deserves more than the ol' passive flow. Often introducing a theme -- one requiring acquisition of data!, which can be turned into flow charts!!, and comparative graphs (as can be done counting moustaches in Russia )!!! -- can give the experience a broader meaning.

So we applaud the Burger of the Month Club, even if they're website is down right now.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Partly Failed Bands Festival'

2009-05-02T15:53:00.002-05:00

Is it possible to see the above photograph -- as appearing in yesterday's New York Times -- and not want to see the show? (No.) The article discusses 'one-offs' and 'shoulda-beens' of music history at the almost-failed band festival Ponderosa Stomp.

All participants are welcome to attend the Failed Bands of Oklahoma Panhandle Show, but not perform.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Travel Journals & YYYs'

2009-05-01T09:52:00.002-05:00

Once the Gilder and Franc and Lira rolled into the euro, European travel became a lot less interesting. But there's always been shopping for stationary products. I love picking up locally made journals, oddly covered spirals and whatnot from shops when I travel. It's a key way I fill that space between meals on the road, and I liked having my journal itself linked with a part of my trip too. But it's becoming harder, I've noticed in recent years, as shops in Vladivostok, Plovdiv, Bogota and Danang seem to carry the same imports these days: imported Chinese cheapies with cartoon covers, or nicer -- but not too nice -- Italian ones.

Top 2 Notebook Purchases
My favorite notebook-procuring experience was a few years ago in Shumen, Bulgaria, where a snappy older woman insisted on the color of the of my belezhnik (notebook), a sickly yellow. When I returned two years later, alas, the store had become a trashy boutique selling neon purses.

Runner-up was in a walk-up stationary stand in Batambang, Cambodia, where I waited and waited behind a monk agonizing over which pen to get -- testing out several, then chatting a bit. It gave me plenty of time to consider my options, and the eventual winner: a tiny maroon one that read 'PP Book.'

In other news
The new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album It's Blitz! is excellent -- the 'deluxe' version has acoustic/orchestral versions of four songs, better than the 'full-on' ones on the regular album. The album also manages to make a statement in the postage-stamp space iTunes affords with its striking album cover of a hand-crushed egg.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Tall Tales Week Re-Dux'

2009-04-28T15:16:00.005-05:00

TWO VIDEOS FROM THE 1980s' VAULT

Tall Tales' 1988 video 'Ways to Stay' has no excuse for the extended doorway sequence. And none is offered.

That same year, Tall Tales took a break to be tender for a minute, with "This Song's Not About Love," a four-minute anthem to feelings. Tall Tales' feelings. The crumbling ruins of present-day Oklahoma City's happy Bricktown served as the backdrop to how the five-piece group collectively felt inside: discarded, abandoned, tattered, frightened, timid, alone. The empty tracks and stagnant pools mimicked the band's gateways to success -- a no go.

And, yes, you saw it right. Both are filmed on FILM.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Bishop Allen Calls Oklahoma Unwanted Yet Inspiring'

2009-04-27T07:55:00.001-05:00

Bishop Allen is sort of a non-failed Oklahoma band, one that's based in Brooklyn anyway. They have cute songs, quite precious enough to get them a cameo in last year's film Nick & Nora's Playlist. On their new album Grrr..., the lyrics of one song 'Oklahoma' compare the panhandle state to some girl's eyes.

Why?

Justin Rice (not pictured) told You Ain't No Picasso in a little interview that Oklahoma is a 'big, flat scrubby unwanted place. But the sky is tremendous and there's something about it that feels kind of raw and inspiring in a way; but also overlooked.'

That seems fair enough.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Boston Red Sox F(r)an(tic)'

2009-04-24T22:39:00.005-05:00

Did you see this? At the last second of the Red Sox/Yankees game tonight -- finished at the bottom of the 11th inning -- a fan, in a white sweat shirt, sitting front row behind the catcher, heard the winning home-run bat clank, raised his arms and took off -- in a frenzy -- to reach his car before the ball even passed over the head of the Yankees' infield.

It is bizarre. It is unbelievable. He was willing to wait till the game ended. Didn't matter if it was going 25 innings. He would wait and wait and wait. But once the decisive hit was made, the VERY INSTANT, he would go. And go quick. Couldn't be bothered to say 'so long' to his pal next to him after a four-hour game, or even watch the ball sail out of the park. And take in even half-a-minute of the post-game victory.

Red Sox Fan in white sweat shirt, we salute you.

This happened five minutes ago. FBO sees it first:

FBO: 'Lions' Sort of New Look'

2009-04-22T06:27:00.006-05:00

According to the Detroit Lions' website, which we peruse regularly, last year's 0-16 team has unveiled a "new comprehensive brand." That may or may not come with a Matthew Stafford taken as the #1 pick in the NFL draft this weekend, but it certainly comes with one of the most subtle changes in an NFL helmet since, oh, the Arizona Cardinals had to tell reporters they changed their Cardinal logo a few years ago. No one had noticed. (We wrote about in our Super Bowl preview.) Yes, the lion is a little fiercer, despite his winless record, but blink and you wouldn't have noticed a change.

Note the chronology of Lions logos:

1952-60 (this isn't a joke)

1961-69

1970-2002

2003-2008

Another thing to note.

The font treatment of the written 'Lions' is italicized. They seem as proud of that. But, per FBO rules, two is a trend, and following an Oklahoma politician's pleas to italicize the 'Oklahoma' on the Oklahoma state flag, we're wondering if something's a foot that misinforms certain 'leaders' of secondary places/teams trying to get a bigger marketability into believing that italics alone make words stand out more.

Italics only make sense when select words of a bigger phrase, sentence or paragraph are italicized.

For effect, re-read that last sentence with all italics:

Italics only make sense when select words of a bigger phrase, sentence or paragraph are italicized.

Or with a key word italicized:

Italics only make sense when select words of a bigger phrase, sentence or paragraph are italicized.

--> The FBO will not ban or suspend the Detroit Lions, and does applaud the restraint from changing their Honolulu blue home jerseys to tough guy black.

FBO Admin Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'You Thought We Were Joking about Safe Pets'

2009-04-20T11:59:00.001-05:00

NEW YORK CITY BACKS FBO PLEA

Per a recent news brief, New York City draws a line between safe and non-safe pets.

See this link.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'An Explanation for Underachievement'

2009-04-20T07:12:00.003-05:00

The FBO took a short New York/Pennsylvania break last week and will be gearing up for more developed posts by Tuesday.

Other byte thoughts:

* Would be funny if Yankee Stadium, all $1.5 billion of it, is too home-runy
* The FBO Band practiced twice this weekend, including debut of new singer COREY, who scrawled lyrics on spiral and wrote two songs in two hours, "Ebb & Flow" and "I Don't Know"
* FBO's Robert Reid can occasionally be found experimenting at Twitter at @reidontravel

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'The Dreams of the FBO (Part 2)'

2009-04-18T08:34:00.002-05:00

The dreams have not changed since Monday's post.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'The Dreams of the FBO'

2009-04-13T08:01:00.003-05:00

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Fig Bars Week (Part 3)'

2009-04-10T10:46:00.002-05:00

Sometimes the best snacking comes without wrappers or boxes. Sometimes not. Today we test the cellophane-wrapped fig bar bundles you find around New York's deli scene, cozying up to registers and sold for $1.25 or $1.50.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'How to Stop Somali Pirates'

2009-04-10T07:43:00.003-05:00

The FBO have been saying this for months now: if you want the Somali pirates, currently chased by a coalition of gigantic US and EU DESTROYERS, to stop extorting money on raids, send SUBMARINES and shoot them out of the water.

Destroyers chasing the pirates is like sending elephants to fend off a cheetah attack.

Use the destroyers as a diversion, and have a fleet of 10 or 15 subs react to the next incident. Shoot down two or three and this ridiculous problem is over.

Is it just us?

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Fig Bars Week (Part 2)'

2009-04-08T12:50:00.000-05:00

ZION FIG BARS

Last week, the New York Times reported that Kevin Costner was helping bankroll a new minor league team in Zion, Illinois -- a community set up by a religious sect a century ago. One of the town's greatest achievements, though, was its fig bars. Few know of it, but they're still being made, now by Matt's Cookies of Wheeling, Illinois.

Here's our review of the bars:

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Fig Bars Week (Part 1)'

2009-04-07T12:39:00.003-05:00

'WHAT'S AMERICAN?'

The FBO knows.

Figs are old world, pecked on by Egyptians and Greeks while pondering war, philosophy, Doric columns and togas. But fig bars -- that is, fig paste inserted into cookies and then eaten -- is full-blooded American. The first date from the late 19th century, when a Philadelphian sold his invention to Nabisco, which named the cookie after their Boston suburban location: Newton.

We devote this week to different types of FIG BARS, beginning with Whole Wheat Fig Newtons.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Main Street Baseball'

2009-04-05T19:53:00.003-05:00

Are we sheep? New York City is all a-glow over the new Yankee Stadium and Citi Field built with $2 billion of state and federal money for the two highest-salary baseball teams in the country. It's particularly bad situation with the Yankees. Their new stadium cost the city $1.5 billion, average ticket prices rose 76%, and the number of seats diminished by 5000 (the Mets' new home has 14,000 fewer seats -- now having to cut back on Little Leaguer events). Now pro teams around the country are hoping to get some of the stimulus-package funding to pay for stadiums.

America's sport?

I'm going with minor league baseball this year, the populist sport league, in a year when, in my mind, domestic travelers should consider more 'main street' itineraries to ensure their money goes to places that need it the most. That is, not pooling all the funds of a trip into a single resort or destination -- but spending it in private businesses visited along the way, on road trips, by stopping off in towns not seen as usual destinations (ranging from a few days in Philadelphia or Pittsburgh to Spokane, Washington or Fargo, North Dakota as it works to recover after the recent floods).

For here in New York, it's hard to beat the two minor league teams. The Brooklyn Cyclones and Staten Island Yankees (farm teams for the Mets and Yanks, respectively) have far superior locations -- both on the water. The Cyclones, right in the heart of Brooklyn's just-opened Coney Island, and the SI Yanks on the lip of New York Harbor [see view from outfield seats]. Non-bleacher single-game tickets against teams with colorful names like the Vermont Lake Monsters are about $15. Comparable tickets at Yankee Stadium run $150 to $375 each.

In late summer I might even go see the Little League World Series.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Foreigner Prices in Rhode Island? Sacre Bleu!'

2009-04-02T11:42:00.002-05:00

THE FBO BEGS: 'ONE PRICE FOR ALL!'

One of the more frustrating things faced on the roadways del mundo is the concept of charging the people who have crossed the globe to see your place and chip in money into the local economy, MORE for the same services locals get. 'Foreigner pricing.' It just sounds bad to say it. Of course, some argue that taxes locals pay warrant a 'discount' on their part -- but it can sometimes feel more opportunistic even slightly xenophobic.

Russia, home to some of the world's most expensive destinations, is an obvious example, a nation clamoring for NATO status but holding onto Soviet pricing policies where foreigners sometimes pay, according to In Your Pocket guides, six to 20 times the local rate. Late year, I traveled through the Russian Far East, and frequently paid five times the amount for dated Russian museums with Russian-language exhibits geared to Russians, who rarely go. At one hotel, I paid an extra $20 for being non-Russian. After awhile, you sort to feel cheated, even unwelcome. I began to wonder whether, for example, New York City should hold a 'Russian prices day' when Russians had to pay $80 not $20 to get into sites like the Museum of Modern Art.

In Cambodia, according to the blog Cambodia Calling, foreigners pay 500% the fee for 'garbage collection,' tacked onto electricity bills. Worn out by the discrepancy, and the fact that rubbish is just thrown into piles, the blogger started a compost pile to deal more responsibly with what they throw out. Good for them.

In today's New York Times, I see that Massachusetts and Rhode Island have gotten into the act, allowing locals 'discounted' tolls if they use the E-Z Pass. Now federal courts are saying it may be unconstitutional, due to 18th-century clauses to help provide a common market between the newly formed states.

This is different (it's a discount for local commuters, not an extra tax for outsiders), but I agree it needs to be reversed.

And it can be. I've seen such pricing discrimination change in other places. On my first trip to Bulgaria, in 2004, foreign prices ran rampant -- now, as Bulgaria's joined the EU -- they don't exist.

--> The FBO charges the same to all observers for its content.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Hotelicopter'

2009-04-01T10:40:00.002-05:00

Someone with a lot of time on their hands, and a bit too invested in The Onion perhaps, has concocted a slightly humorous joke of Hotelicopter.com -- a flying helicopter based on a mammoth Soviet 'copter to allow travelers to overnight in luxury rooms. It's easy, fun and you get to skip the '$8 sandwiches' and 'long security lines' of airports. Apparently some people believed it, mocked by Wired magazine blog.

I've never slept on a helicopter, but I did ride in a Soviet one a couple times. Once was in the mid 90s when I traveled from Saigon to Con Dao Island, a gorgeous place that was a prison camp during the French and American wars in Vietnam. The ride was super fun. The pilot -- visible from our seats -- pointed to giant headphones (1976 DJ, or 2004 hipster) to 'block out sound.' I could smell fuel and tried to read through the warning signs in Russian. When we began elevating, the pilot clicked on music in our headphones -- a mix straight from the late 1970s, with secondary Bee Gees songs and French disco.

A few years ago in Kamchatka, Russia [pictured on board, left] -- the peninsular volcano zone dangling across the Bering Strait from Alaska -- I joined some Swiss tourists who had hired a Soviet military helicopter to go out for the day volcano-spotting and track down a reindeer herd shepherded by nomads. Stunning views. In a green field between isolated snow-capped peaks, we eventually located a storm of reindeer, moving and grazing in a wide frightening circle. Maybe 1000 of them. We landed, helped the nomads make a teepee-type structure, started a fire and had some tea. They offered to kill a reindeer for us, but we refused.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'The Joy of Safe Pets'

2009-03-30T06:46:00.004-05:00

NOT ALL PETS ARE BAD PETS
It's happened again. The critics are going after all pets, even safe ones, in the wake of a (non-safe) pet attack last month, involving a chimp ripping off part of a woman's face in Connecticut. It was horrible. (The chimp's owner even said it attacked the victim because she had "changed her hairstyle.") It should never have happened. After after recent legislation in the House of Representatives -- which we support -- such an attack from a primate pet shouldn't happen again.

--> Those who think Travis the chimp was a lone renegade should take in the cannibalistic 3:10 mark of this this BBC video; a 'grisly scene.')

And now some bloggers are lumping all pets, even gerbils and bunnies, with non-safe (aka exotic) pets like chimps, or camels (which kicked to death a woman owner in 2007), or a tiger (which nearly killed Roy of Siegfried & Roy in 2003).

These critics overlook the fact that safe pets -- clean, safe, affordable ones -- generally have a good history with humans, that is when humans are cutting off their tails or making them fight. Winston Churchill had his stray cat Margate, the Clintons had Socks, Roy Rogers had Trigger the horse, Plato had Seth the parakeet.

The FBO supports safe pets -- ones with carefully chosen names. And responds to critics with this video protest:

"THE JOY OF SAFE PETS"

That's right, you heard it correctly. The song features fake drums, four real bass tracks and fake claps.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Tall Tales Week: Day 5'

2009-03-27T07:00:00.004-05:00

It's official!

Tall Tales WILL send a three-song cassingle to Carson Jones Daly featuring a hidden track.

Four-fifths of the band voted on which songs would go.

Simply put, Dan Fallis had the most reasoned ballot, offering a thematic choice with songs that focused on our troubled times. So tentatively we're going to follow his vote (not all things are fully democratic) and send off a cassingle with a hand-drawn cover for

TALL TALES
Soundtrack for a Recession [Please Rewind When Through]

The songs (with featured lyric) are:

"TRUE" (from Pot Pie, 2004) 'Voted for this guy before he was a politician slob.'
"NEW WORRY DAY" (from Damn Kat, 1991) 'I worry about my family, I worry about my friends, planes are always crashing and killing lots of men, I worry about the wars and the nuclear toys, I worry about the body and the way it's being spoiled.'
"CEO" (from Pot Pie, 2004) 'Now they are saying that they no longer need me, I just couldn't please, told me to hand over all my keys... they escort me to the door, lost my job and now I'm very poor.'
"NEOLITHIC NOBODYS" (from Crime in a Bucket, 1990) 'Fenceposts are following roads which are mowing trees and houses to the ground, as it gets older, the elites will get bolder, and start to burn the villages down. Here they come again, they take all they can, they're tearing down your house while you're alive.'

We will post a digital download version of the cassingle here when it's completed, and pass on any correspondence between Tall Tales and Mr Daly.

Meanwhile, here's a promo for the Tall Tales Box Set, due sometime between June 1 and January 4, 2010:

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Tall Tales Week: Day 4'

2009-03-26T07:10:00.002-05:00

'UFO' VIDEO: THE WORLD WIDE DEBUT!

The best part about being in a band is thinking about band names, thinking about album names, thinking about album covers, and thinking about covers. Making programs for potential rock shows is another plus. The rest of it -- actually getting people together and working up parts -- is the hard part.

Oh, another great thing? Making videos.

After Tall Tales unexpectedly reunited, after a decade pause, for 2004's Pot Pie, they started working on a video for "UFO." Production began shortly after the CD was packaged, but has never been shown to the greater public till now:

Video/song notes:

* Dan JJ Fallis shot and edited the video.
* The video shot is the only time the full bound has "performed" the song together.
* The best lyric in the song: "they were found naked and very confused." Which is just funny.
* The original guitar parts of "UFO" were made by Robert alone in 2001 or so, then later filled out by the rest of the band -- in the meantime, he naughtily used the progression as a completely different song "Cougars at Cougars Park" by San Francisco's Tender Few, and to be included on a soon-to-be-released CD See Me Sigh.
* The best lyric in that T-Few song: "I'm such a pissed guy."
* The "UFO" video begins with features footage of the late, great Sprockett -- the namesake for Alan Hiserodt's Sprockett Records.
* It's the first Tall Tales video since 1993's "Suicidal Muppets."
* The first Tall Tales videos were "Ways to Stay" and -- this one featuring Dan walking by a train tracks --- "This Song's Not About Love," shot by Oklahoma video-ographer Michael Tico Lynch.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Tall Tales Week: Day 3'

2009-03-25T10:39:00.012-05:00

MAKING IT

The goal was to be huge, have Rolling Stone ask us what our favorite new albums were, and to co-host MTV's 120 Minutes. There were a few times that Tall Tales thought they'd 'made it.' One was when Robert gave a demo tape of early recordings to REM's sound guy at a REM show in Oklahoma City in 1986. To this day, he swears he wrote on the outside of the envolope 'listen to this or it'll be the end of the world as we know it -- and maybe that's OK' -- or something like that. A year later, REM released 'It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine).' We may never know if that was just a beautiful accident. Or prime-time theft.

Then in 1989, Tall Tales got the opening gig for the Fleshtones at Oklahoma City's Blue Note [pictured]. It was the eve of Robert's 21st birthday -- a cake was set on stage, candles melting wax into the frosting. Afterwards, we didn't even bother to watch the Fleshtones -- just figured that opening was enough for a record contract. [FBO finally saw the 'Tones in 2006 and adopted them.]

Around that time there were a few out-of-state gigs, including a disasterous Little Rock show that started, foolishly enough, with a soon-discarded new song called 'Problems Arise.' An amp fell over half way into it. An Austin show -- impotently distant from any SXSW timing -- turned out to be an all-ages 'anarchist benefit.' Later on there was finally the Virgin Records exec Andy Factor who'd listen and nod to TT music too. That was as close as it got, but a signing remained the elusive, leprechaun-guarded pot-o-gold: never realized.

Probably the most fun was when less was on the line, like the barnstorming three-day trip to Greencastle, Indiana -- to play an outdoor picnic for Dan Quayle's university, then a townie show where friends threw pitchers of (endlessly free) beer on Alan whilst Danny climbed above the bar while singing 'Sympathy for the Devil.'

Or maybe the show to protest toxic waste in Seminole, Oklahoma, where Tall Tales burned stuffed animals on stage to show the effects waste can have.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Tall Tales Week: Day 2'

2009-03-24T07:07:00.003-05:00

NEW VIDEO: "UP & DOWN"
Danny Fallis recorded this around 20 to 23 years ago on a four-track, and the synth-heavy, sell-out song ran out of tape before it was finished. It was never released. It's likely some members of the band have never heard it till now. The new video features stills taken on FBO symposia tours of the world, including trips to Bulgaria, Romania, Russia and Colombia.

Lyrically it re-tells a chillingly true story.

This song will appear -- in a slightly longer analog version -- on the upcoming Tall Tales Fake Box Set free download tri-album.

Here's the new video:

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Tall Tales Week: Day 1'

2009-03-23T06:50:00.007-05:00

A WEEK FOR FBO MEMBER #001!

Twenty-three years today Tall Tales picked its name (Tall Tales). As things do in the 918, it happened in an upstairs bedroom of a South Tulsan's home: first drummer Chad Arnett's house, where early four-track recordings of songs like "Ways to Stay" and "Pictures" happened.

To celebrate, FBO annoints this week as TALL TALES WEEK, to celebrate the 23 years, to release a few new videos never before seen by the public, talk with Tall Tales members about the band, and to garner press coverage for the upcoming "Fake Box Set" -- a digital, free-dowload, three-"LP" collection of live recordings, B-sides, unreleased songs and alternate versions of the "hits" -- and a few "hits" as well.

THE MITCH NEWLIN INTERVIEW

Tall Tales always handed out programs at live shows across Oklahoma's counties. Nearly half of them -- for no apparent reason -- featured an interview with bass player Mitch Edward Newlin. He was immortalized for being younger than the rest of the band in the song "Hee Haw" ("Mitch is a child, going to be a while before he plays on Hee Haw"). Here's what Mitch, still not caught up with the rest in years, says about IT ALL:

Why bass?

Because everybody else wanted to play guitar and drums, and I can’t really sing. I’ve always loved bass, though. It speaks to me.

What was it like spending a summer living in a house in Norman with Danzig Fallis and Robert Reid, a year before graduating high school?
That was a trip. I loved it. I was poor as dirt and spend what little money I had on beer, so I ate a lot of bread sandwiches with Arby’s sauce. I think I lost 10 pounds that summer, but I wouldn’t have done it any other way.

Do you remember your first practice with the band?

Hah! Do I ever. Mike Weiser [shown, left] walked in during practice and I thought he was there to kill us or steal our gear (sorry, Mike, but you scared me at little in the beginning). We played a few songs and Danny turned to me and asked what I thought. Everyone was staring at me pensively and I said… “I think you’re all fucked.” Everyone laughed and I felt my place in the band was secured at that moment.

How did you end up playing guitar on "Barrel of Fun," the last song on 69 Minutes?

I wrote the silly little tune, and somehow Rob and I never switched instruments back after going through it. I thought Rob’s bass work was brilliant and I was fairly excited about the way my tinkles came out on the CD. It’s a silly song but it holds a special place in my heart.

If you were going to send a three-song cassingle to Carson Daly of Tall Tales -- which three songs would you pick?

Good question. There is no doubt Carson would be a huge TT fan. Is this just for fun or can we make this happen?! Ok, here it is (in no particular order): "Checkin’ the Tide," "The Falkon Flies (Dies)," "UFO" and just because I don't follw the rules, I'd send him "Why Do I?" too.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- West Hurley, NY

FBO: 'Saluting the Women's Game'

2009-03-20T09:44:00.005-05:00

One of the more important things in history is when, in 1976, Montreal mayor Jean Drapeau, promised that, "The 1976 Olympics can no more have a deficit than a man can have a baby". The bankrupt city finally paid off the event 30 years later, well after Arnold Schwarzenegger proved him wrong in Junior (1994).

Bravado meets bust.

A couple weeks ago Oklahoma star Courtney Paris said she'd give back her $64,000 tuition if she doesn't lead OU to win the women's college basketball championship this year. She told the remarkable Daily Oklahoman a day after the statement: "I have a passion for our fans and university, and I want to do something special. That's why I put my scholarship on the table. I meant what I said."

Some like to compare this to infamous sports guarantees -- like Joe Namath's successful guarantee to beat the Colts in Super Bowl III, or disasterous ones like Matt Hasselbeck's overtime coin-toss 'we're going to win' boast vs Green Bay picked up on live mic for the stadium (just before he threw a game-losing INT/TD).

But read Courtney's words again, she is none of those things. She has made no guarantees -- she just offered motivation to her team, and put her scholarship on the line. That's pretty good. Particularly considering #1 Connecticut is considered unbeatable; they already defeated Paris' Sooners by 30 this year.

And $64,000 is harder to come by in the WNBA than NBA or NFL.

Speaking of which, we're told over and over how great the men's college basketball tournament is -- I prefer the NBA finals actually -- but few seems to mention the equally exciting women's bracket going on simultaneously. One could argue it's better -- with far less ego (can anyone name one player on Rutgers' squad slighted by Don Imus a couple seasons ago?), perhaps even more skills (eg the winningest coach of all time with Tennessee's Pat Summitt, or Courtney Paris' unbeatable streak of 112 double-doubles).

Perhaps the women's game should hold their event in the two weeks prior to the men's tournament for more attention, or after? As it is, it gets lost. Too lost.

The FBO will be closely following Courtney and the women's tournament this season.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- West Hurley, NY

FBO: 'FBO Observers Anxious For Next Post'

2009-03-19T10:13:00.002-05:00

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- West Hurley, NY

FBO: 'Acknowledges Plan for New California State -- Shared by Farmers, Hollywood and SF's Castro Street''

2009-03-17T10:39:00.002-05:00

WE WANT TWO STATES!

Angry farmers in California's Central Valley have organized into overlapping groups of secessionists --Citizens for Saving California Farming Industries (CSCFI) and another called DOWN SIZE CALIFORNIA, which is a bit of misnomer, as what they really want is to SECEDE into a new state (hilariously including Los Angeles and San Francisco), apparently to be called "JEFFERSON."

Everything about this is gold.

The CSCFI is led by Visalia-native/politician Bill Maze, who told the Fallbrook/Bonsall Village News that last November's Proposition 2 -- affecting the housing conditions of poultry -- was "the last straw." The proposition passed, though was rejected in 41 of the state's 58 counties. Maze blamed it on "agriculturally uneducated city dwellers."

Meanwhile, at the recent World Ag Expo in Tulare, California, the "Down Size California" booth was inundated with "multiple thousands" of visitors, according to their website.

The goal of both groups is to cut off 13 counties from California -- from Los Angeles to Marin Country, pockets of conservatism book-ended by the nation's most liberal cities -- and separate themselves from what Down Size California's website describes as "the imposition of burdensome regulations, taxation, fees, fees and more fees."

The left-over part of California, per their website, would be called the New Revitalized California.

WHAT DOES THE FBO THINK?

The FBO sees this a bit like the adolescent scheme of "taking your ball home" when a sideyard football game isn't going the way you want. But we can't help but admire the gall of trying to include the country's most liberal city -- San Francisco -- into the Republican-led Agricultural Xanadu. One wonders if this is the best time to ignore a democratic election and put up walls and pour millions into building a new capitol in Visalia. But we're open to hear more from them.

We've emailed Down Size California on the matter, and hope to post an interview here shortly.

FBO Admin

Mobile HQ -- Woodstock, NY

FBO: 'Salutes Latest Non-NFL Football Attempt'

2009-03-15T07:57:00.004-05:00

The saddest year in American sports history has nothing to do with steroids, dog fights or self-inflicted gunshot wounds. It was 2001, the year the XFL tried and failed to counter the non-failed NFL with a wrestling-styled brand of football. We were all for it. Just that they didn't go far enough to make 'extreme football' (see bottom of post for how it could have worked), and no players were interested in the antics -- they saw it as one thing: a chance to audition for the NFL.

Now that it, and NFL Europe, are gone, the UFL (United Football League) is giving a second option for pro football a try. They're starting smart -- rolling out with a manageable four teams (New York, Las Vegas, Orlando, San Francisco), each led by prime-time NFL coaches (including Jim Haslett and Denny Green), and a short season (just October to November) with games on Thursday and Friday nights. Next year they plan to expand to Salt Lake City and MONTERREY, MEXICO.

Best of all, the UFL are employing some slogans that caught our eye:

"THE UNITED FOOTBALL LEAGUE IS ALL ABOUT U"

A little goofy, but the league means it. The "mission statement" claims the UFL goal is "to to fulfill the unmet needs of football fans," promising "an affordable, accessible, exciting and entertaining game experience."

Also, the UFL are already taking suggestions for TEAM NAMES. We hope this doesn't end up with something like the Las Vegas Gamblers or San Francisco Wind. If so, we will only have our lack of vision to blame. At least there's real hope that something truly interesting can slip by -- Las Vegas Cravens, San Francisco Football Club, New York Orlando-Haters, Orlando Sadists. Send your team-name suggestions here.

"WHERE FUTURE STARS COMES TO PLAY"

Unlike some leagues, the UFL understands its place: as a stepping stone to the NFL. Many great college players never have a chance to make the NFL. Some go to Canada, others try the 'arena' league. We wonder if the UFL's chances might be best in spring -- so that some could ship up to NFL teams after spring training injuries -- and NOT compete with the highly popular college football games on Thursday (and Friday) night on ESPN.

We will watch you. And we might even try out.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

*HOW the XFL could have worked: go all out with extreme.

During the 1920s, initial possession in many "Indian league" football games held in Oklahoma began by whomever got to the ball first -- after it was dropped by a passing plane above. The XFL should have adopted this as a game-starter.
Defense are allowed to use mobile walls -- five feet long, three fight high -- one time per half. They can place them anywhere on their side of the line of scrimmage before a play begins.
The field would have three sand traps, and one de-fanged/de-clawed cougar permanently on 10-foot chain at midfield.
One team should have been billed as the "gay team."
The game would be broadcast on HBO so that announcers could use whatever profanity they wished.
A sprinkler system would go on/off incrementally at one 40 yard line throughout game.

FBO: 'Astral Week: Thankfully Ends Prisoner-Free'

2009-03-13T07:10:00.003-05:00

On Lou Reed's fascinating Take No Prisoners double-live LP from 1978, 'Walk on the Wild Side' fills a side of the vinyl LP, lasting nearly 17 minutes, and never getting anywhere. He starts with a diatribe about why he's no longer bored with the song, and finally makes it to the opening verse ('Holly came from Miami, FLA') then immediately interrupts himself to riff on all sorts of things -- brontasauruses, 'I do Lou Reed better than anybody,' 'enough attitude to kill every person in New Jersey' -- then finishes the first chorus and breaks out to rant again -- why Springsteen is 'groovy,' liner notes in rock criticism, name-dropping New York Times opera critics, why critics shouldn't get free tickets -- then turns into the second verse about Candy -- pausing to explain each lyric ('this is true,' 'I really miss Candy', 'go write a Bible') -- and finally when the supreme back-up singers finally start the water-in-the-desert 'doo doo-doo' refrains, he quickly cuts them off, for a four-minute, pop-culture-psychedelic ramble on how the song got made, at the same time losing the small New York audience who had played along for eight minutes, laughing and yelling back, but eventually lose interest.

It's a mesmerizing self-destruction. On full view of the stage at the (now closed) Bottom Line -- and memorialized in vinyl. It finally ends after 17 minutes, with an open-chord fade: in the end, we don't actually know how long he kept it going that night.

It reminds me, in a way, of Van Morrison's Astral Weeks, which, we're told, is one of the great albums of all time. To me it seems like listening in on a loner sprawled on a dog-food-scattered floor and wailing about his agonies, pain, lost loves and plain ol' confusion. Songs stem from tinkly acoustic guitars, often building off two chords. Most build up indiscriminately -- with flutes and strings -- sometimes six or seven minutes, apparently depending on the whim of the plump Irishman with a Florentine nose. He repeats lyrics over and over -- and the lyrics ARE frequently excellent. The band, jazz sessions players I hear, don't really know what's next -- just following as they can in a rushed, three-day recording session.

Many bond with it. FBO Observer Tom Caw recommends we all read Lester Bang's take, which is compelling. But, unlike other 1968 albums ('White Album,' Beggars Banquet), it seems like a long-since sailed ship to me. And I can't get past the overly soulful bursts from Van every third or fourth line.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Astral Week: Message for Kings, Na-Na-Na-Na, Hey-Hey'

2009-03-12T07:31:00.009-05:00

Yes, it's still 'Astral Week' at the FBO, and we really are trying to sit through and say something on Van Morrison's Astral Weeks by tomorrow. Meanwhile, we couldn't resist -- after many many years -- a return to Rush's 1977, seven-song epic A Farewell to Kings.

Here, Rush matured on 2112's juvenile futuristic concept -- 'what is this? a guitar?' -- without completely abandoning the Dungeons & Dragons crowd: in particular 'Madrigal's dragon slaying, and 'Cygnus X-1: Book One's overworked black-hole itinerary.

The album doesn't always work. 'Madrigal' -- even at just 2:34 -- is unbearable, while the disappointing opening title track telegraphs the pass, by introducing the feudalistic subject with Shakespearean guitar picking on a classical guitar. But the 37-minute album did produce the band's most enduring 'chick-friendly' song -- and most accessible song between 1975's 'Fly By Night' and 1982's 'New World Man' (their only Top 40 song) -- with 'Closer to the Heart.'

It also gave us one of their most underrated epics, with gorgeous segways connecting the dots of the 11-minute 'Xanadu.' Lyrically, Neil Peart once again looks way backward for inspiration, reworking Samuel T-Dog Coleridge's hit poem from 1797 'Kubla Khan': more or less a journey for immortality in Mongolia. (Yes, it's the same Sam who directed Iron Maiden to 'Rime of the Ancient Mariner.')

'Xanadu' was Rush's first serious show-off, multi-instrumental platform -- everyone does double duty in the musical sea of synths, wood blocks, bells, tom fills, double-necked guitars syncopating accents with staccato cymbal splashes.

It starts, mercifully, vocal free for a breathless five-minute musical trip that pulls us into the domain of Mr Khan. For two minutes, we wake into a meandering landscape of tapped guitars and birdsong, before the Ontarian trio lead us into a triumphant spider-crawl, King Crimson-esque riff backed by wind effects and big Neil Peart accents and tom fills. It then erupts into an upbeat, charging, faintly 'The Song Remains the Same' riff (with Alex Lifeson's open chords and superb Geddy Lee bass lines). Much is guitar driven, yet Lifeson shows restraint in allowing no solos in the 11 minutes.

You can almost dance to 'Xanadu' till it finally winds down to Lee's vocals ('to seek the sacred river Alph'), which plod over burpy synths, then shifting into a syncopated guitar/cymbal/bass accents in a harder chorus ('from an ancient book, I took a clue!'). Most of the vocals color dream-like, slower melodies -- an area best suited to Geddy's shaky voice, which gets irritating at higher levels (like the unlistenable wails towards the end of 'Freewill').

Conjuring Mongolian emperors in an 11-minute song at the same time stop/start punk rock and coked-up disco dominated radiowaves and livehouses? Not bad.

--> Sadly, it's a song that can't be downloaded as an individual song, necessitating a full $7.99 purchase of the album on both Amazon.com and iTunes.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Astral Week: Solves Journalism Problem'

2009-03-11T10:09:00.001-05:00

ANALOG KIDS, FEAR NOT!
Newspapers are dropping, as the recessions swells, jobs get cut and panic overwhelms long-running newspapers, like the Rocky Mountain News, who throw their arms up and abandon decades-old traditions.

The FBO has the answer: um, move it online.

Mid-sized cities shouldn't walk away from the tradition of newspapers, just move it online, cut back the staff to about 10 or 12, and focus only on local news. The site could have links to national and international stories of the day -- already papers like the Daily Oklahoman and Tulsa World are chiefly AP stories in most sections anyway. You'd have reporters on the police beat, government, arts, sports, business -- just like now. Advertising revenue would drop off, but so would expenses.

Speaking of which, the FBO is considering creating the Oklahoma City FBO, a rival option for news -- objective news -- to Oklahoma City's terrible Daily Oklahoman. Papers that attack other local media (see photo courtesy of LostOgle.com) like hockey players aren't really doing the community a favor. It's time for a more sober option in Capital City.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Astral Week: State Legislator Pleads to Italicize the Oklahoma Flag'

2009-03-10T12:41:00.012-05:00

Tecumseh legislator Shane Jett -- apparently no relation to Joan -- has wasted energy, time and money to propose changes to the best state flag in the nation: by adding an exclamation point to 'OKLAHOMA' and, curiously, italicizing it.

This leads to all sorts of questions, beginning with how did this guy get elected?

Mr Jett tells the Tulsa World today

"I was just looking for a way to improve our image ... and get some good, solid publicity,” Jett said. Then, "It could give us hundreds of thousands of dollars in free publicity.”

Oklahoma!, of course, is the name of a punctuated Broadway musical written by two men who never visited the state. Many critics so far are focused on the idea of punctuation in a flag -- and we aren't opposed to that part of his proposal at all. Though reminding outsiders of the much mocked, ill-advised past slogan -- "Oklahoma is OK!"-- is not a good way to promote faith that Oklahoma has a clue what it's doing.

Far more troubling, and bewildering, is the idea of ITALICIZING the state name on the flag. Mr Jett appears to think that could help get publicity.

Two questions:

* Does italics attract more attention than plain fonts? No. Italics adds focus only when in embedded in a paragraph or sentence -- when it's alone italicized words are actually less clear to read.
* Is Mr Jett aware that other states DON'T FLY the Oklahoma state flag?

We appreciate Mr Jett's lateral thinking for ways to promote the state, but tinkering with a long-running flag that doesn't appear outside Oklahoma borders isn't a good choice.

We're surprised he didn't follow Florida's usage of a website on their license plate by putting www.travelok.com on the flag.

BETTER CHOICES
One consideration would be to put more visible visitor centers near the state border of major entry points -- I-40 at Arkansas and Texas, particularly -- and advertise free 60-minute scenic drives and detours around the state. Currently Oklahoma City has a wonderful visitor center -- which lies 10 miles or so north of busy I-40, and well AFTER visitors are into the state.

Signs should point to Oklahoma City's (poorly named) "Asian District" for its authentic Vietnamese restaurants -- a real break for drivers full on McDonald's. (While Oklahoma's at it, they should change the name of the area to what it IS: Little Saigon.)

Another option would be to make a better license plate than the confusing, un-artful one that was chosen. Perhaps making it sky blue like the flag would stress 'nice weather' in the state -- a color rarely seen on license plates.

Mr Jett, please contact us if you need any future, more thought out ideas for improving Oklahoma's image.

--> IF Oklahoma italicizes the state name on the flag, the Failed Bands of Oklahoma will permanently change its name to either Failed Bands Organization or Failed Bands of the Great Plains.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Astral Week: How the Van Morrison Interview Happened'

2009-03-10T06:55:00.003-05:00

Last week we discussed Van Morrison's diss of failed (and non-failed) bands that had the tenacity to form in the years following 1966. We asked for an apology.

Tonight, by sheer coincidence -- a benefit from being semi-permanently based in New York City -- we met the author of the piece, The New Yorker's Ben Greenman, and asked him about how the piece was made, whether Van was a jerky as he sounded.

Greenman, who just finished a novel on a fictionalized version of Sly Stone (out in May), knows a bit of music. His favorite Stone song is an 'out of the way' 45-second piece that's 'not really a song' -- it's scary, about Sly floating or falling and looking to himself. Have to hear that.

He says that when Morrison's people contacted the New Yorker to have some sort of profile, the weekly rejected any idea of a Q&A type piece. 'Well, because we're the New Yorker, we could do that.' He and his editor came up with the idea of having him meet up at an East Village bar called Lakeside Lounge with a huge jukebox filled with 50s and 60s R&B songs -- the jukebox is on their website. Greenman picked the songs in advance -- songs he thought would get some comments from Van -- and they met.

Van's people had mentioned that they'd be documenting the whole thing -- that they are making a sort of 'short documentary' on the publicity campaign. 'At first we refused, then we let them because it wasn't that contentious of an interview.'

Greenman said he had about sixty or seventy quotes from him, but had to boil it down to a few for the 800-word piece. That he wasn't trying to diss the Beatles per se, and that he's not seeing new bands, but that 'not many 65-year-olds are watching many new bands.'

'The one about the Beatles being meaningless is the one that's gotten the most comments.'

We still want an apology.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Oklahoma Official Rock Song'

2009-03-09T10:20:00.005-05:00

We don't know what to say about the fact that Oklahoma picked one of the softest Flaming Lips songs as the official 'rock song of Oklahoma.' The nominees were not particularly spectacular, and better the Lips than a particularly rambunctious number by Reba McEntire or Garth Dean Brooks, but the FBO remains upset that Oklahoma didn't consider any failed bands' songs (particularly Tall Tales' 'A Place in Oklahoma' -- hear it here).

We applaud the Lips for their charming song ('Do You Realize?') but must note that it's one that sadly lacks any connections, lyrically, to the state, and is perhaps most famous of the contenders due to its inclusion in a recent TV advertisment.

Other notables: Lips bass-player Michael Ivins of the band wore a Soviet Union hammer'n'sicle shirt to the capitol for the announcement.

--> The FBO noted the snub of the failed last September. Rolling Stone made fun of the event last week.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Jukebox Anti-Hero: Van Morrison'

2009-03-04T06:26:00.006-06:00

We're not sure if this is OK or not, but we've never been fans of Van Morrison, regardless of his tenacity for his costume in Marty Scorcese's The Last Waltz, the send-off of the overly earnest band The Band. Morrison, with his stern expression and plump figure, squeezes himself into a polyester jump suit with fake diamond duds on the back. He does flying kicks at one point. It's awesome.

Morrison is having himself a little comeback, in the 41st anniversary of Astral Weeks, an album the rock-changes-lives critics tell us to download. They say, 'it's a soulful unclassifiable rock with jazz musicians,' like a prequel to Sting's Dream of Turtles of Blue. He's touring and -- following the trend of late to perform albums in their predictable sequential entirety -- playing it on stage.

In a little profile in this week's New Yorker (a magazine with incredibly written stories about, frequently, incredibly boring subjects), Morrison hangs with a writer and plays old obscure songs on an East Village bar's jukebox from well-known pre-Beatle rockers like Gene Vincent, Bo Diddley, Little Richard and Fats Domino. 'The Beatles were peripheral... meaningless,' he spits at one point. He's happy enough to tour but no longer sees shows. 'I've seen all the people I wanted to see... Why do I need to keep finding new bands when I have the originals?'

That pretty sums up why none of us can name -- or perhaps should even try -- a single Van Morrison song of the past 35 years.

'Best Albums of All Time' lists frequently put this one in the Top 20. England's The Times had it at No 3, Rolling Stone had it at 19 (and we're thankful, as they claim, that Van 'was never this open, and naked, again'), Mojo mag at 2. (Really? 2?) Time rambles about its 'mystic poetry, spacious grooves, and romantic incantations.' In a Guardian article -- London paper -- last year, they spoke with a psychologist who couldn't get enough of the eight-track disc from Morrison (story). The psychologist Adam Jesse J Phillips says:

'His voice is a thing of quite extreme beauty. What is extraordinary is the emotional atmosphere he creates in the songs and the sense that he is not even remotely concerned about communicating with an audience or a listener. He's just singing out his songs, and we are, in a sense, listening in.'

He adds:

'I don't think he has a clue what this music is about, other than it comes from somewhere deep inside him.'

This is funny. Rock singers look for answers -- how to score chicks, how to understand parents, how to make sense of life -- in about every rock song from Chuck Berry to the Jonas Brothers. Is it really that surprising that an Irish recluse didn't have life figured out at 23? And the statement, said in awe, that Morrison apparently 'is not even remotely concerned about communicating with an audience' seems to explain some of his jukebox theories from the New Yorker piece.

Per our psychology, Van may have issues.

But still we feel bad that -- after 41 years of its life -- we've never heard the album. Never really considered it. So, we volunteer to christen next week on FBO as our 'astral week' -- we'll listen and see if A-Dub is worth the hype after all these years. We'll judge it on a few factors including Van's cluelessness, the extremity of the beauty in his voice, and his snub of the listener's cares or concerns.

->Meanwhile, we politely ask Van to apologize for his snub of failed bands of the past 45 years.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Oklahoma Off Probation, Colorado On'

2009-03-03T06:50:00.001-06:00

OKLAHOMA OFF PROBATION
The FBO is now restored as the Failed Bands of Oklahoma -- not Failed Bands Organization -- after our two-week probation. The FBO asks the state to consult us for future creative decisions. Otherwise, we may switch to FBND (Failed Bands of North Dakota), full-time.

COLORADO ON PROBATION
Meanwhile it's worth noting this profile of Luis Jimenez in The Wall Street Journal, who is responsible for the sometimes criticized, red-eyed mustang sculpture outside the Fred Jones Art Center in Norman. (We love it.)

The FBO hadn't realized the artist went on to create a similar mustang - standing on his hind legs - outside Denver's overrated airport, and that he DIED making it. Not while making, but FROM making it. A section of the fiberglass structure fell on him in 2006. It's now kickstarted a stream of hate, capped with a Colorado campaign to remove it from the airport - so that it's 'not the first thing people see.' One protest haiku states 'ugly devil horse/horrifies the traveler/shames our fair city.'

Upon opening in 1994, the airport in Denver - which killed off one of its long-running newspapers this week, perhaps unwilling to test out the idea of a solely online presence - has been long shamed. Since its very beginning, when a expensive automated baggage retrieval system went haywire. Per one report, 'Suitcases went flying like popcorn kernels, some of them breaking in half, spewing underwear in every direction.'

It should be noted, as the WSJ does in its article, that the Norman mustang was at first hated, but many locals were won over by the 'charisma' of the sculptor who met with 700 locals. Sadly he didn't have a chance to do so in Denver.

The FBO places Colorado on a three-month probation.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBOrg: 'Real Jason Bourne Backs FBO Claim'

2009-03-01T18:35:00.013-06:00

Recently we compared New York City to a 'bad boss.' We're not alone. An incredible story in today's New York Times involves the bizarre story of a young New York schoolteacher, Hannah Upp (great name), who had a 'Jason Bourne moment' -- or rather a 'Jason Bourne three days.' Her memory, or identity, blanked for a few days -- she recalls nothing -- and she was found floating in the Hudson River by a sharp-eyed Staten Island Ferry driver. Somehow alive. It's not known how long she was in the water.

After recovering her memory, she decided to stick around New York:

--> 'I can't let New York win.'

That's a fascinating quote.

THE CONCERTS AREN'T KEEPING HER
Speaking of which, NYC would be a great city to see concerts (everyone comes) if you could only get tickets. I woke early Monday to get Leonard Cohen tickets for Radio City Music Hall. Radio City Music Hall had emailed me directly with the pre-sale links, via Ticketmaster, and they NEVER worked. I finally got through to Ticketmaster by phone, after a 30-minute wait (I really didn't want the tickets anymore, but felt bullish over it), and was told the 'presale tickets are all gone.' The site never explained it. And I had been trying to get tickets every half minute from 30 seconds BEFORE they went on sale, for half an hour. This means they sold out, more or less, in five to 15 seconds. Yet another case of the city trying to beat you.

Hannah, if you're reading, generally it's easier to go to Delaware to see shows.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBOrg: 'FBOrg to Oklahoma: Come On!'

2009-02-27T07:10:00.001-06:00

OKLAHOMA, DESERVEDLY, STAYS ON PROBATION

FBOrg has been getting some flack for attacking the State of Oklahoma's choice, by 'free' vote, of the mandatory swap of license plates. Even though we stepped off the probation to defend Oklahoma City this week, we simply cannot understand the outrage amongst casual FBO observers why we've probated the state.

Americans, look at the facts.

This

is, without debate, a LOT MORE IMPRESSIVE, than

Oklahoma remains on probation for its two-week period.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBOrg: 'New Bands, Take a Look at Our Lives...'

2009-02-25T07:03:00.001-06:00

RULE #67: BECKETT CREED

'Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.'

The above quote comes from Samuel Beckett's 'Worstward Ho,' as quoted in an interesting essay in the New York Times Sunday by Geoff Edward Nicholson, who tries to evaluate when 'prolific writing' is merely too much writing. He suggest writers, in these modern times, who churn out even a book a year -- if not three or more -- aim for more 'low end' markets. Serious stuff is less frequent. He mocks his own writing pace -- 20 books in 22 years -- at the same time.

How does that apply to rock music?

One of the great tragedies of the CD era was the death of the 'album' as we long knew it. When we opened the gatefold record, studied art that bands spent lots of energy, time and money to create, and digested a 'musicial journey' of 43 minutes -- where thoughtful bands rewarded us -- like masterful DJs of their own tunes -- with nice song segways and thematic rise/falls, as on a Rush record.

That's pretty much gone now unless you're into the indiest of music. Album covers are reduced to postage-stamp sized blips on iTunes (better to have a red smear with a white mark than 'Sgt Peppers' concepts now), $0.99 song downloads that break up the album whole, and CDs' extended format merely led to more junk on albums that come out less frequently.

In Tall Tales -- FBO's #001 member -- we took pride in the mass of songs churned out. Cassette 'albums' of 30-plus minutes of new music coming out each year. When the Nixons -- a band that rose in the Norman scene for its covers of 'She Sells Sanctuary' and sexy haircuts -- switched to original material, we weren't impressed. Their EP was called '6,' named for the numbers of songs that came out, so Tall Tales -- foolishly, in my opinion -- bitterly rebutted by naming our CD debut after its length '69 Minutes' (it was actually 66 -- and half the songs had been previously recorded -- we've recommended repackaging the CD).

(Sorry 'bout that, Nixburg.)

Pop songs, unlike novels, are received by a more forgivable audience -- we accept a 2:3 ratio from bands. Two great songs for three so-so ones (and even a stinker) is generally OK. Still, the FBO asks for some sort of balance between something like former Guided By Voices' singer Robert Pollard's 'prolific' recording of uncensored, unedited mini-songs that fill new CDs every six months, and a band making a 60-minute CD every three or four years.

The listeners end up losing.

We stick, and recommend to new bands listening in, with the Sam Beckett creed: fail often, fail better.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBOrg: 'Obama Adress: Americans Trump American People'

2009-02-24T21:10:00.007-06:00

Following the FBO's recent plea to refer to Americans as 'Americans' only, and not as 'American People,' we were pleased to see President Obama's address to Congress (and to Americans) tip towards the usage we suggest.

Our tally, counting references uttered by Obama tonight:

AMERICANS 10
AMERICAN PEOPLE 2

Also:

AMERICAN 7
AMERICAN PERSON 0

Meanwhile, there were repeated references of teachers, police officers, CEOs, students without the redundant use of 'American' too.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBOrg: 'AP Writer Firmly Believes FBO Will Make Him a Better Writer'

2009-02-23T12:29:00.003-06:00

The FBO and the state of Oklahoma has fielded a lot of criticsm lately. The former, from a goateed man in the Kansas City suburbs, the latter from the FBO and a Minnesotan writer.

The FBO wrote the writer, Jon Krawczynski, about the matter reported on Saturday and got an apology. The FBO accepts it and welcomes Jon, and his family, to the FBO site.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBOrg: 'Pausing Oklahoma Probation to Defend Oklahoma City'

2009-02-21T13:36:00.011-06:00

We will take a short break from the two-week probation on Oklahoma to step up for Oklahoma City, which has been ruthlessly attacked by an AP writer who has probably never been.

As reported on the wonderful Okie-run Lost Ogle blog, Jon Krawczynski went off on Thunder Town. The Minneapolis-based writer makes a few valid points, but cheap shots blur any integrity to his piece (which should have been written back when the Sonics left Seattle). He writes:

Are there knotholes in the fenceposts ringing the Ford Center in Oklahoma City where kids can peek through to see the games?

Is there a pig that brings the game basketball out to the officials for the opening tip? If Kevin Durant tops 40 points in a game does every fan get a coupon for a buffet at the local Pizza Ranch?

It would be funny if it wasn’t so depressing.

Good one Jonnie. I responded directly to him, as Lost Ogle suggests, with this:

You probably have a lot of angry email from Oklahoma Citians -- which is kinda funny. Treasure the moment.

Maybe you've been to OKC, maybe not, but it's worth pointing out that it's America's most improved city in the last decade. Reviving itself after the downtown bombing -- remember? the town with all the dead kids. They did so with unprecedented enthusiasm by signing onto a sales tax to build libraries and canal, relocate musems, and actually put water in the river. They also upgraded the pizza buffets and clogged the holes in convention centers so kids, sadly enough, had to get minor-league game results by telegraph.

I wrote about OKC for some backwater town called Chicago. Never heard of it, probably don't even have horses, but I'll take any job.

Here's the link.

Oh, next time you're in Oklahoma City, skip the pizza and go for Vietnamese food on Classen -- better, more authentic than New York's Vietnamese restaurants. Pizza is so '80s.

It's also worth reminding Jonnie that Oklahoma was good enough for the Minnesota Vikings, who practiced in Tulsa's Skelly Stadium in the '70s.

--> Jon Krawczynski and his extended family are banned for three weeks. Or until an apology is made beginning, 'Oklahoma City, I was wrong.'

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBOrg: 'Is the Russian Press Free?'

2009-02-20T12:22:00.006-06:00

A SIBERIAN PERSPECTIVE
Yesterday in Moscow, a jury took a couple hours to acquit three men -- two Chechen brothers and a Moscow police officer -- from any involvement in the murder of Russian journalist Anna Politkovskaya in 2006. All had been accused of low-level roles in the murder, including being a lookout and driver. According to the Moscow Times, the brothers shook hands with Politkovskaya's son, who congratulated him and later said, 'I believe these men are involved in the murder of my mother.' The New York Times article today said the three-month trial had 'cast a shadow over Vladimir Putin's Russia' and in particular the plight for free press.

Is Russia free? Are birds free from the chains of the skyway?

I visited the Russian Far East last summer, and stopped by Nash Gorod (Our Town), a newsy weekly in Komsomolsk-na-Amure (way to right on map) and spoke with a local journalist in his early '20s. As Russians do, he invited me for a long walk in the summer heat -- we passed WWII monuments and old housing blocks, and he -- in his mullet and parachute pants -- chain-smoking. His tone was serious the whole way, but welcoming, a perfectly comfortable setting to get serious. And I did.

Having just finished Politkovskaya's book Putin's Russia, I was curious his take on press censorship and bullying from the government, and he had a different take from what we hear in the West.

'Who can tell us what to write?,' he asked. 'No one. The only censorship we feel here is self-censorship. Particularly in a town like this, where I either know everyone in town or someone who knows them.'

He noted the only scandal he's had was regarding a business feature that went online -- thus accessible back in Moscow.

Since 2000, 16 Russian journalists have been killed, with only one resulting in a conviction, according to the Committee to Protect Journalists.

He did acknowledge one clear legacy of the past. At one point, shortly after passing a stoic WWII monument with chiseled faces in stone facing an eternal flame -- something seen in nearly all Russian towns -- he stopped to say, 'See those people there?' A mother, father and ten-year-old kid were walking by the flame. 'Those adults were taught that the US helped the Germans in the war -- it's not true, of course, but it's very hard for some people to unlearn what they've been taught.'

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBOrg: 'Oklahoma Probation Two Weeks: Thunder VP Lacks Flare'

2009-02-19T11:20:00.002-06:00

Last summer, the Oklahoma City Thunder -- who are a lot better than their record; no team has ever lost more games by seven or fewer points in the history of sport (we didn't bother checking the stats, but it's probably true) -- quickly discarded one potential name for the team: Bison. Yet Tuesday night unleashed a new mascot: Rumble the Bison.

We're not making this up.

In his rock-star introduction -- descending onto the court playing drums -- 'Rumble' danced to 'Everybody Dance Now' and missed two dunks, one a perilous back-flip from a 16-foot ladder towering over one basket.

The story behind 'Rumble' shows some actual inspiration though. Per a Daily Oklahoma story:

"Rumble is a bison that hundreds of years ago led his herd to safety only to be trapped alone in a storm atop the Arbuckle Mountains... Rumble was struck by lightning and suddenly walked on two legs like a man... Rumble possesses amazing strength and agility but felt alone until NBA players with similar athletic skills arrived in the Ford Center hundreds of years later."

Not bad. Yet Thunder's vice president of tickets and services Brian Byrnes messed it all up. (One wonders if the president of tickets and services wasn't available.) Byrnes confessed to the Oklahoman, "Even though it’s fictional, it takes the tone of a bison, the history of this community.”

Fictional? WHAT is fictional? Any real Thunder fan would tell you, Rumble IS REAL.

Fool!

Perhaps Mr Byrnes should stick with tickets and leave services to people who give a dang. A proper spokesperson should INSIST IT'S TRUE. Eg, "It may sound like a camp-fire tale, but these are the sorts of things that DO happen in Oklahoma... unlike other states, such as Texas... here, magical things like this happen all the time..."

Speaking of which, the FBO has long believed the correct choice for a Thunder mascot is THE TIN MAN. The character would have an undersized cape with a 'OKC' on his back, and otherwise no distinguishing features. He would sit directly behind the opposing team and berate -- in PG-rated language -- the secondary players. Ie, Not a word would be uttered to Kobe, but hailstorms of gentle abuse would fall on fellow Los Angeles Lakers Sun Yue and Josh Powell.

THAT is how Thunder rolls in OKC, J-Pow.

Meanwhile, Brian Byrnes joins Oklahoma, and is on probation for two weeks.

--> It's worth pointing out that the long-running Golden State Warriors mascot is named Thunder. Kinda makes all this feel a little silly.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBOrg: 'Renamed Failed Bands Organization for Two Weeks'

2009-02-15T19:36:00.017-06:00

OKLAHOMA ON TWO-WEEK PROBATION

Re-cap of recently made chilling mistakes:

--> Oklahoma gets its first-ever major sports franchise and names it for something that can't be counted or personified (Thunder) then half way through the season introduces a new side-court mascot (a buffalo!).

--> Oklahoma has the best state flag in the country -- the only one to openly tribute Native American culture -- yet, as previously documented here, skips its Osage battleshield motif for its Oklahoma state quarter (a dream fit for a quarter's back side) and goes for something 10 other states do: some bird. Nothing unique, nothing memorable, nothing for coin users around the country to say 'hey, I'm holding onto this one for a while.'

Now the last straw:

--> Oklahoma, which had the best vehicle license plate in the country (using the Osage shield to divide up the digits), is -- for the first time in 15 years -- rolling out a new one, with overly fussy 'Oklahoma' font (note the unnecessarily swooping 'K'), a distracting image impossible to decipher from the car behind.

Last year, the state opened up the license plate design to a vote -- see the following six choices -- and the worst one was chosen:

None of the above choices are better than the current one, and of the six none are remotely as acceptable as #1, yet the worst of the six (#2) was chosen. The only one with the image to the left, confusingly bunching up the six digits so cops can't easily look up runaway drunks' license information.

The last person who knew who Will Rogers was died in 1985, and cowboy motifs aren't a good call in the nation's most richly Native American state. But the winner is the worst of all. And it won, possibly, because state representative Ken Miller pushed for it. In a Daily Oklahoma article a few weeks ago, he said he favored the chosen one (#2 below). See evidence here.

Ken Miller is banned from this site for six years.

The image in #1 and #2 is from the Sacred Rain Arrow, a statue outside Tulsa's Gilcrease Museum, but the winning viewpoint is shot obscurely from behind, with a confusing cloud scene above making any clarity impossible from a distance of over two feet. C'mon!

License plates in Oklahoma remain a touchy subject. The state may never live down its seven-year mistake, on two separate plates, which read 'Oklahoma is OK.' Things got worse now.

The Failed Bands of Oklahoma renames itself the Failed Bands Organization for the next two weeks, in protest of continued mistakes made by designers, creative planners and mascot creators in the state.

Oklahoma, wake up!

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Tulsa, OK

FBO: 'More FBO Band Practice Footage'

2009-02-15T11:23:00.001-06:00

FEATURING DEMO RECORDING

This footage of the four-piece band The Failed Bands of Oklahoma was recorded February 7, along with demo sounds from the demo recording of 'Be In a Band.'

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Tulsa, OK

FBO: 'Evidence that Clint Eastwood Has Seen an Oklahoma Map'

2009-02-13T07:20:00.000-06:00

This image (with Eastwood in the foreground to left) was taken from the film Hang 'Em High recently. Along with topographic-challenged scenery of an 'Oklahoma setting' later in the film. Definitely not filmed at the Wichitas.

Yes, it's a slow day here at FBO.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Tulsa, OK

FBO: 'Best Play of All Time'

2009-02-11T12:19:00.001-06:00

aka WHY NEW YORK IS GREAT

New York City is a like a big mean bad boss. He yells at you, he ignores you, he takes your input for granted, he really could care less about you. And your feelings. You can't stand him. But every once in a while, he'll stop, look over, and say seriously, 'good job' and you'll reel in joy for a week.

New York is like this too. The taxes are high, the subways are crappy and prices are rising, the roads are third-world, the Manhattan public libraries are closed on Sundays to save The City money.

Then things like this happen, IRT: A Tragedy in Three Stations as featured recently in a New York Times story. Possibly the best play of all time -- taking place on subway cars and platforms, with a funny moustache. I like the guy in the background, who might be the person quoted in the article, who stepped on a subway just as the door closed and found himself a couple feet from the in-progress play. He told the Times reporter:

“I have to admit, this is pretty good stuff, man.”

I sadly didn't catch it. Check out their website here, which claims that the play 'some of the finest and most available actors of this generation.'

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Solves the US Coin Problem'

2009-02-08T20:23:00.004-06:00

Quick: Name the first American HERO to appear on US currency.

The answer is Abraham J Lincoln. One hundred years ago -- that's 1909, and not farther back -- the 'Lincoln penny' introduced the first person's likeliness on a US coin or note, something that George Washington had decried as dangerously 'monarchichal', per a New York Times story today.

The fate of the historic coin -- which hilariously outraged defeated Confederate veterans at the time; hey, that's the spoils when YOU GET BEAT guys -- is hotly debated. It's frequently noted that the coin worth $0.01 costs $0.014 to produce.

The FBO offers a solution.

Presently the US dollar is broken down into 100 cents. Let's change that so that the dollar is divided into TEN CENTS.

* The penny will be worth one cent.

* The nickel will be worth two cents.

* The quarter will be renamed the 'halfer', and worth five cents.

* The dumb dime and dumb JFK half-dollar will cease to exist.

* The dollar coin, in various forms, will remain worth $1.

A bit on that last point. One of the great things about travel to the United Kingdom is that coins there actually matter. The pound -- the single greatest coin on earth -- weighs in a pocket, though only a bit bigger than a dime. It hangs there like 'I'm a bagel with cream cheese' or 'I'm a pizza slice.' You don't want to lose it.

The US needs bigger stress on its many many many dollar coins. There's the Eisenhower, the Susan B Anthony, the underrated Sacajawea and -- since 2005 -- a steady stream of US president coins (I've only seen the gold Washington and gold James Madison... I cannot wait to see the William Henry Harrison, who died shortly after becoming president after getting sick at his inauguration).

--> Suggestion: Please refrain from using $1 bills for the next four weeks. Only use dollar coins.

We are really happy, though, that the US has about 45 different dollar coins.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'The Biggest Lies of All Time?'

2009-02-06T06:09:00.004-06:00

By the back room, the kids all waited
To meet the man in bright green
Who had dreamed up the dream that they rest their hearts upon
He's the liar who lied in his pop song
And you're lying when you sing along
-- from Okkervil River's 'Pop Lie'

When I saw this photo -- of Okkervil River lead singer Will Sheff in a New York Times review of a hipster Brooklyn concert -- I sat transfixed. In admiration, fascination, embarrasment and rage. I've never seen a photo of a bigger lie in all my life.

Let's try to think of reasons why someone -- particularly with that sort of beard -- could possible justify such an expression:

a) a South Carolina private anguishing over one last charge up the hill at Gettysburg; it's been more than any human can endure (not to mention wearing wool in muggy July temps), and he knows success will not come, yet he stomachs-up in the name of South Carolina Glory

b) he's been hit in the back with a large board

c) he's a muscular dystrophy victim who has just been bitten by a rat or American gopher

d) or...

Well, I can't think of any other possible explanations. Except, said hopefully, sarcasm?

Listening to Okkervil River -- named for a short story by contemporary Russian writer Tatiana Tolstaya -- there are plenty of pokes at subjects of songs, which seem frequently to be the hispter quotient who fills their shows and downloads their albums. The Times compared one song to Dylan's take-no-prisoners swipe 'Positively 4th St' and you get a sense that pretty much everything works off the same. In Blue Tulip, his Gettysburg charge peaks with this line: 'with every single cell of me, I'm going to make you mean the words you sigh; you lie.' Other song titles include 'Pop Lie,' 'Title Track' and 'Singer Songwriter.'

So it's possible the photo is faux earnestness to mock the sweet Brooklyn night?

By the way, the band is pretty good.

Other lies include the back cover of REM's Reckoning where Pete Buck earnestly plays a piano -- an instrument he has no ability to play. We've already discussed how the Bass Player of Coldplay lies too.

A lot is said of Pennsylvania's LIVE lead singer Ed Kowalczyk -- for the unexplainable rat tail he wears, kung-fu stances, or shirtless appearance in early videos -- but a far bigger curiosity of the band is the guitarist Chad Taylor. Watch the video 'I Alone' (below). Try the 0:53, the fake smile at 1:06, the overdone back-up singing from 1:45 to 1:50, then -- this is truly unreal -- watch at 3:10 where he looks to the off-screen monitor to see how his hair looks as he sings along, fully believing in the 'we're Nirvana too' angst of their carefully chosen single.

It's also worth pointing out that the video appears to be one single long shot, with a few isolated shots interjected -- of Chad Taylor alone. Note how the other two members -- the bass player and drummer -- play game to the bad idea, though convey how they'd rather be touring the Hershey chocolate factory.

--> Tip: New non-failed bands, try not to do this.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Responds to O-Park, Kansas, Critic With New FBO Video'

2009-02-03T12:07:00.009-06:00

WE JUST WANT TO THANK YOU, AND TO LEARN
Over the FBO's first three years we've seen -- over and over -- that there is not unanimous support for failed bands, or at least as represented by the FBO. But the attacks took a sharp turn toward a PG-13 rating last week when Tim Eldridge, the self-professed bassist and lyricist of (apparently a failed band) Acid Rage, from Overland Park, KS, peppered our comments forum with four-lettered denouncements. It gets worse on his, possibly, FBO-inspired site KANSAS BANDS OF THE PAST.

First of all, we warn family-oriented viewership from tracking this guy, who appears to be as fond of cursing as combing goatee hairs.

Second, we'd like to thank Tim for offering us insight on WHY Oklahoma failed bands, in particular, had failed.

Up till now, some of us wondered if we had been 'unlucky,' or hadn't struck the magic combination of melodies and chords, or lacked the right management or promoter. Not so, says Tim Eldridge -- who spends much of his new, infrequently updated blog devoted to Kansas City, Missouri topics -- it's because of geography. Kansas Bands of the Past founder argues that Oklahoma bands can't succeed because of their state.

Tim wrote on our Jan 26 post: 'Any good musician from Oklahoma has one thing in common -- THEY LEAVE THE STATE. I played in a metal band for years in Kansas City, and I can tell you one thing -- we can tear any Okie band a new one, any day of the week.'

In honor, we've crafted this video tribute to Tim. If you're out there, Tim, we'll be watching for more insight -- please let us know where we can find video footage or mp3s of Acid Rage too. We couldn't locate anything via the Internet.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

* Lyrics to 'It's Kansas!' (not written on the back of an unpaid bill envelope):
'The bass thumps the quarters, playing off the drummer's snare. Our guitar soloist hits the pedal, while his nostrils flare. We play for the streets, and when we get back there, it's Kansas.'

FBO: 'Bans the American People'

2009-02-02T08:20:00.004-06:00

If you hang on every word of people like Barack Obama, Hilary Clinton, John McCain or 'the greatest political team on television' at CNN, then you're likely to agree with them that ALL of the following -- who live within the USA' 50 states -- are 'Americans.'

a) prairie dogs
b) crickets
c) gophers
d) lady bugs
e) pumas
f) blue jays
g) plankton
h) rattlesnakes
i) marmots

That's right. A gopher living in North Dakota is not just a gopher living in North Dakota, but also an AMERICAN living in North Dakota.

The reason we know this is the redundant use of 'American' to qualify the people who live within the USA's 50 states. 'This is a statement for the American people...' or 'the American people have responded' etc.

That's the same as in football, when time-filling announcers constantly refer to 'they need to work their way down the football field' or 'that was a super football play' or 'he gave him a real football hit there.'

We know it's football. Don't waste our time with the redundancy. And politicians don't need to assume we think they're referring to squirrels or mosquitos if they should ever say 'Americans' only.

Is it just us? It may be so.

A look at the Toronto Star shows only one use of 'Canadian people' as opposed to 'Canadians' that I could find: AND IT WAS A QUOTE BY AL GORE.

Meanwhile, our friends in England follow the redundant example. A recent Guardian article quotes PM Gordon Brown referring to the 'British people,' and there are scores of other examples. It's easy to imagine that politicians want to stay away from the slangy, overly informal 'Brits' for such statements, and because 'the British' isn't a countable noun -- unlike 'Americans,' 'Australians,' or 'Bulgarians' -- you can excuse the lapse.

We could find no examples in Australia's Age of using 'Australian people.'

Use of 'American people' -- when referring to humans who are American -- as anything but 'Americans' is banned.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

--> By the way, since no one else we'll say it, the FBO will. Kurt Warner did not fumble with 0:05 left in Super Bowl 43. He still gripped the ball fully as it went forward. The Cards should have had another shot to heave it 44 yards in the end zone. Everyone loses from seeing a Super Bowl end -- with the NFL's best defense crowding around the best receiver (who is taller) in a corner of the end zone to win it all. That would have been something to see.

FBO: 'Super Bowl Preview'

2009-01-30T07:42:00.003-06:00

CARDINALS VS STEELERS
The more I think of it, the more I'm convinced the Arizona Cardinals have the best helmet in professional football. It's not just the slightly stern cardinal, but the lack of a stripe AND a white helmet.

The 32-team NFL currently only has six white-based helmets: the Cards, the NY Jets (returned from the 'macho' kelly green '80s version), the Titans, the Chargers (back from the horrible '70s/80s blue helmet), the Colts and the Dolphins. A handful of other teams wimped out on white helmets over the years -- the Patriots, the Eagles, the Bucs, the Cowboys, the Rams, the Bills -- all of whom have, at some point, gone tuff with charcoal, testicular gray or Ford Truck blue or Fist-Punch green.

A number of teams lack a stripe front-to-back down the center of the helmet, but only the Cards dare do it on a white helmet.

UNNECESSARY CHANGE, BUT ONE WITH HEROIC RESTRAINT
In 2005, the Cardinals -- after years of slacker play -- caved into the machismo streak that saw the Bucs, Broncos, Pats tough up their uniforms (and win Super Bowls) -- by making their longtime Cardinal logo, a bit less like 'a parakeet' and a bit tougher.

It's unfortunate, but that the change is so subtle -- and that they inexplicably kept the non-macho white helmet -- it's hard to not see the team's restraint as a bit admirable. It's amazing they didn't opt for something like the Ravens helmet -- all black with a very fierce, life-taking bird. I mean, they fooled no one with a change no one noticed but a couple Phoenix sports writers. And it's certainly better than the copycat Louisville Cardinals helmet, which shows the namesake bird... WITH TEETH?

Quick Facts:

In 1969, Super Bowl III -- between the Jets and the Colts -- is the only all-white-helmet matchup, with Joe Namath famously guaranteeing his underdog Jets would win, and pulling it off.

Including the Cards this year, 11 white-helmet teams have made the Super Bowl. So far they have a 5-5 record.

During WWII, the Cardinals and Steelers SHARED a team!

PREDICTION: Cardinals will defeat the Steelers 24-13

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Rules for Falling Down'

2009-01-28T08:01:00.001-06:00

This originally appeared on a Lonely Planet blog whilst crossing Russia by train in 2005. It appears on FBO for the first time, as falling down in general is an under-scrutinized act -- and because FBO #001 member Alan Hiserodt asked for it.

What travel teaches:

Looking out at rainy Vladivostok from a bus between the airport and centre, I saw something that --I must admit -- delighted me: a hair-dyed-rust middle-aged woman and a green trash can falling together on a wet sidewalk. What was priceless about it was her reaction: getting up, first she glared at the trash can lying next to her; then she picked it up in a rush, and hurried away, with loose debris she knocked free blowing in the wind. As the bus moved past her, I searched for her expression... there! Not a hint of pain, just shock and some offense that this little scene had taken place at all.

She fell. She got mad. She tried to rush off before anyone could see. Just what I expected.

It reminded me of another, greater, Russian fall when I was on the other side of Russia, in St Petersburg, on a study-abroad program years ago. On Nevski Prospect on a sunny day, another middle-aged woman fell, this time yelling in pain. I was startled.* She eventually got up (I watched) and walked away apparently unhurt. I remembered this little moment, with secret pleasure, long after. But it took years for me to realize that she had it all figured out in advance. The woman knew exactly how to fall properly.

RULES FOR FALLING DOWN

Those who suffer actual pain from falls are exempt from these rules. Fortunately, only about one in eight falls results in any short- or long-term injury.

1. DON'T LAUGH.

This medieval tactic of distancing yourself from your mishap fools NO ONE. Clumsy teens can be forgiven for good-natured chuckles at a self-fall. Adults cannot. Under no circumstances. You fell, yes. But it's not for you to laugh it. It's not funny TO YOU.

2. DON'T GET MAD.

Some say it's a human reaction (the fallen are victims after all), I say it's a lack of pre-planning. A fall can be inconvenient. You may try to pawn it off on a hamburger someone stupidly left in the street, but it's really your fault for tripping on it. Deal with it. Don't get mad at a sidewalk, a coffee table or a green trash can. They CAN'T HEAR CUSSING.

3. DON'T RUN AWAY.

Don't try to rush off like it didn't happen. It did. And people saw it. People will laugh for a long time to come. They will tell people about it. They will remember it, and refer to it often. Running away only adds to their pleasure, and to your 'wound.'

4. WHEN FALLING, YELL IN SHOCK or SURPRISE or FAUX PAIN.

We all know that a fall is a confrontation. The fallen [ie victim] confronts the pavement, while passerby [ie recipients of unexpected pleasure] confront a comic situation, like seeing a face-slap sketch. The pre-planned and aware faller can equalize the roles by yelling. As soon as an impending fall is realized, yell. Loudly. Wildly. Yell BEFORE you hit the ground. In great disproportionate fear, if possible. Yelling 'shocks' the passerby, causing them to 'fall' too. How can one so startled, or surprised, really savor a public fall, when they too are reacting with their own sudden event (a yell)? Try it out at the mall or tram stop.

Addendum I:

Some have asked me whether or not it is OK to stop yourself from falling once you start. Of course! There is no insult in trying to protect yourself. But by all means try to follow rule number four. If you stop yourself, all the better -- you've yelled, gained some passerby-'fall' points, without losing any yourself.

See, the woman in St Petersburg knew this all along. And I thank her for teaching me. Last week in Magadan, stepping on wet stones across a small stream, I slipped and a foot slipped into the icy water. I yelled immediately. 'Oh!... Oh GOD!' But I saved myself from a full-body splash. Two Mag pals looked back quickly, clearly concerned. 'Are you OK?' I stepped out of the water. 'Yep,' I said quite pleased, 'I'm absolutely great,' water dripping out of my shoe. Two-zip**.

Clearly the woman in Vladivostok has a lot to learn.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

* This is the key part of the anecdote. Please read on to see why.

** See Addendum I if you don't understand why.

FBO: 'Taps Breaks on Battle for Hutchens'

2009-01-26T07:33:00.001-06:00

WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH? RE-ENACTORS OUT OF CONTROL

It pains the FBO to say it, but plans for the re-enactment of the Battle for Hutchens must be put on hold until safety precautions can be met so that no FBO re-enactors catch on fire or are killed by passing by police.

A quick look around in the world of military re-enactments finds way too many injuries. Face burns, twisted ankles, gunshot wounds, jousting deaths for TV shows, exhaustion.

The New York Times recently reported of a Virginian rebel re-enactor at a re-enactment in Pennsylvania who was charged with 'reckless handling of a fireharm,' for unknowingly shooting a 73-year-old New York re-enactor, who was hit in the sholder. It took months for investigators to figure out where the bullet came from, using film footage of the event. The Virginian may pay a fine of up to $2500.

Close call for the New Yorker. Sadly it's only the tip of bloody bandage.

In October 2008 in Geelong, Australia, a pyrotechnician lost three fingers and received severe burns on his face and neck after a military demonstration had ended. He was hit by a wall of flame after trying to throw a 200-litre drum that hadn't exploded onto a fire.

A couple weeks ago, a 22-year-old Washington state WWII re-enactor, who often walked around in German uniforms, was shot and killed by police at 2am in Seattle, after there were complaints of uniformed men shooting rifles in an alley. Apparently 'you there, stop that' or 'put down that thing' no longer is a Seattle police tactic.

In 2007 in Australia, a professional jouster was killed for TV. During the filming of a joust event for an Australian TV program, a lance splinter shot threw his mask eye slit and pierced his eye. He died a week later.

It's not just a recent phenomenon of course. In October 1967, 22 re-enactors were tossed in the air during a blast at a Civil War re-enactment near Nashville. At Gettysburg in late 1980s, a Charlottesville, Virginia, re-enactor was once shot by a re-enactor from France.

Most re-enactments make careful precautions to avoid injury, but it's too frequently not enough.

In 2001, conceptual artist Jeremy Deller organized a recreation of an 1984 English miner's strike (aka the Battle of Orgreave) for a video. The event directors carefully requested participants pull their blows between police and scruffy miners. According to one report, it 'worked so well that on the day, only one self-inflicted injury (a twisted knee) was sustained.'

Similarly there was no absence from injury at the recent re-enactment of the Battle of Bannockburn. According to their website, 'the most serious injury of the weekend came after the second days fighting when someone damaged their ankle on a rabbit hole.'

The FBO is considering a simple 'walk through' of the Battle for Hutchens, with no weapons (real, fake, loaded or unloaded), instead using profanity and sound effects from spinsters representing either side.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Takes a Short Break'

2009-01-22T07:07:00.002-06:00

The FBO needs to take off the next six or seven days to attend to its newest fan: Ruby Nguyen Reid, born January 20 at 9:18am.

By the way, for those who think we have super-human powers, the 'Lost' post was scheduled in advance. Not exactly thinking much about TV programming at the FBO HQ at the moment!

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Note to Lost: Can It'

2009-01-21T09:15:00.001-06:00

WHAT TO DO IN OUR LIFE SPACE?
Imagine Tolstoy's War & Peace, a 1200-or-so page novel, were a four-hour movie. There are very few novels longer than War & Peace, and very few movies that break the three-hour mark. But, as a novel, they say it's the best of all time. Would you watch a new four-hour version?

The FBO has just been reminded that the TV show 'Lost' still exists. The New York Times profiled the Texan/Missouran Gregg Nations (yes, Gregg with three Gs) who is tirelessly responsible for the show's needlessly confusing web of character myths and storylines -- he's the one to keep all the ins and outs of 100 unresolved characters issues straight in for making new plots decisions for still-undetermined future episodes, he tracks it in a well-guarded compilation the 'Lost' producers call the 'bible.'

Here's an idea, Mr Nations: stop it.

'Lost' will find itself a merciful ending at the end of next year's season. It's already given us 84 episodes (which cost $12 million each to create), or approximately a 60-hour movie. And it's not resolved anything, and it's not done yet.

(Can you believe this?)

That's equivalent, using the analogy above, to a 18,000-page novel. For something they're making up as they go. Have you read the greatest novel of all time, at 1200 pages? Would you read anything at 18,000 pages?

The FBO asks you to stop watching the show -- 60 hours and no resolution? c'mon! -- and BE IN A BAND.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Bans 'If You Know What I Mean' from Future Rock Lyrics'

2009-01-19T09:19:00.000-06:00

Listening to the pumping cow bell and throaty vocal of 'Mississippi Queen' -- somehow still a classic-rock radio staple 39 years after its release -- one can be forgiven for imagining it played by a six pack of denim-wearing southern-drawlsters who hail from a place like Black Oak, Arkansas. The truth is the short-lived band is led by a Jewish guy from New York's suburban Long Island, who apparently has a keen interest in maps and topography. He changed his name from Leslie Weinstein to Leslie West, named his band Mountain, and hit it biggest (#4 in Canada) with 'Mississippi Queen.'

All this would escape much FBO notice if not for a single act of tenacity. One that can't be excused.

In the opening, Leslie belts 'Mississippi Queen! If you KNOW what I mean!' Actually, Les, we have no idea. Perhaps your wink-wink seeking for confirmation ('if you know what I mean') refers to an underground drag scene on the Delta's Highway 61 area? Or borrowed royalty traditions from Louisiana's Napoleonic Code? Les, we guess that you had sex with someone in Mississippi. But give us some biscuits before passing the gravy, friend.

--> Thesis: The phrase 'if you know what I mean' is not only a lazy lyrical phrase used over and over in pop/rock songs, but it rarely means what the lyricist think it means. It's insulting to the listener, who may or may not excuse the easy rhyme scheme.

The FBO believes it all started with the Beatles' 1963 single 'I Saw Her Standing There,' when Paul McCartney gives us the best possible version of the expression, when he sings 'Well, she was just 17, and you know what I mean.' No conditional 'if' needed. Paul seems to be saying, yeah, you're intelligent listeners, you know what's meant here. She was 17, not 16, not 18 -- meaning an age where she can go to R films, can't vote, can't sign up in the military, and where statutory rape is an issue for courters. WE GET YOU PAUL.

Similarly Schoolhouse Rock used the phrase correctly, albeit with the conditional 'if,' a decade later with 'A Noun is a Person, Place or Thing' by making sure the young audience got a term referring to old rock songs from way back when: 'I put a dime in the drugstore record machine, oldies goldies started playing if you know what I mean.' Considering this may be the first time their audience hears the term 'oldie goldie' Schoolhouse Rock is being conscientious.

Check the 2:12 mark:

There are, however, far more abuses of the overused phrase.

Coweta, Oklahoma's newest offering to the kid-band scene Crooked X doesn't quite get it right, in their we-travel-around-the-world-with-guitars anthem by singing in a new song 'Rock'n'Roll Dream': 'I am livin’ the life - if you know what I mean, all of us need a rock'n'roll dream!' This fails on many levels. First of all, singer Forrest French (OK, great name) has spelled out exactly what he means by the life, so he doesn't need to check with us if we get it, then tries to be inclusive of us -- watching him, downloading him -- by including him in the 'dream.'

Racoon, a band, says 'if you know what I mean' at least 13 times in their song called, 'If You Know What I Mean.' In not one instance does it mean what they think it means. For example: 'Don’t need no diamond ring, if you know what I mean' -- yes, we know. Everyone does. You're not into marriage. Next!

Edie Brickell, in her immortal 1988 pre-Paul Simon anthem, 'What I Am,' begins, 'I'm not aware of too many things' -- try laying off the Deep Ellum bong, Edie -- 'but I know what I know if you know what I mean.' Not exactly.

On the other hand, when Bon Scott wails in AC/DC's 'TNT' that he's 'out for all that I can get, if you know what I mean,' we really do.

Rock Star Supernova -- already a bad band just by their name -- has a faux T Rex 2006 single called 'Leave the Lights On' -- because it's 'better for the cameras, if you know what I mean.' He's implying, to quote B-Sege, that various 'night moves' are going to be captured on digital video or film. OK.

Neil Diamond did a better job with the phrase in 1976. He ends a 3:40 song of remembrance and nostalgia, with this: 'When we gave it away for the sake of a dream in a penny arcade, if you know what I mean.' He's using an analogy that a person in his past is asked to compared with their real life scenario. Neil, you've done it right.

Then there's Busta Rhymes. In his song with Puff Daddy 'Body Rock,' Rampage breaks in a verse: 'I'm the man with the gangsta lean, what, what, yo, I split your whole spleen if you know what I mean.' I have no idea what he's talking about, and appreciate that Rampage stops to check if we follow. We don't, so realize the conversation wasn't intended for us.

Successful usages of the phrase are rare. And the FBO thinks this phrase has run its course, and bans the use in future rock lyrics for three years. Those who use it are banned from this site for four years. We can do better. Know what I'm saying?

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Discovers/Questions the North Dakota Quarter'

2009-01-16T10:11:00.002-06:00

THERE GOES THE SUN
North Dakota's state quarter came out three years ago. Is it any coincidence that we didn't stumble upon one until early 2009, a few weeks after the FBO's first ever 'North Dakota week'?

Prompted by gut whim, I checked the failed entries for the state quarter and found a curious pattern that NO OTHER STATE had shown: spearing prong-like sun 'rays' that resembles the Japanese Imperial Navy flag during WWII.

The link couldn't be intentional, right? North Dakota isn't tributing the imperial Japanese armed forces, who took millions of lives during WWII?

Shiply speaking, the original USS North Dakota never made it to Japan and stayed way out of harm's way during WWI -- mostly making care-package trips around the Caribbean, then was disassembled before WWII. (A new submarine called the USS North Dakota is currently in construction.) However, the USS South Dakota -- named for the north's mocking rival to the south -- was badly damaged by Japan's Imperial Navy in 1942. That seems bad taste.

Maybe Telephoning Will Help
The Japanese flag -- known as the Rising Sun Flag -- has 16 rays. North Dakota's versions have seven, eight and nine. But a bigger question is whether or not North Dakota's suns depict sunrises or sunsets? The farm shot shows no chimney smoke or stirring creatures to hint at a time, while goose -- it should be noted -- fly at sunrise and sunset. So, no clues. Perhaps the key is the buffalo -- alert, jolly and feasting as the sun dips or rises behind them. Do buffalo wake up at 6am?

So I phoned the Theodore Roosevelt National Park in the southwestern corner of the state, a lovely area with two units of badlands and plenty of wildlife. The operator said 'Mike' would be able to help and transferred me.

I asked Mike if he knew when bison wake up. 'Bison are a daytime animal, unlike deer for example. Most of their activities go on during the day,' he said seriously. 'But that said I'll drive by a group of 200 during the day -- maybe 100 are eating, another 100 laying around, some with eyes shut. They eat and sleep throughout the day.' So they eat dawn to dusk? 'Yup' -- he really said 'yup' -- 'Remember that grass is a low quality food, and they have a big stomach to keep full.'

I mentioned the quarter, and here Mike got particularly interested. 'Let's see, if we had any defining features of the formation behind them, we could figure this out...' He paused. 'We'd probably need to talk with the artist though... Do you know the artist?' I said I didn't. 'You know, if I had to guess -- purely guess -- I'd say it's evening. Very few people out here get up that early.'

If it's good enough for Mike (who was enduring a blizzard at the time), it's good enough for us. The FBO claims that North Dakota's quarter depicts not a 'rising sun' but a falling one, thus isn't tributing the imperial Japanese military. And to be honest, when I visited the Roosevelt Park's North Unit in late spring 2001, the two-lane load reaches it from the east. And that's where most of the bison are. In fact, I had about 60 or 70 immediately surrounding my rental car. An artist heading up there would get the same vantage point of the badlands -- looking west.

-->Perhaps it would have been less confusing if North Dakota went with the Roger Maris quarter, remembering the homerun hero from Fargo.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn

FBO: 'Promotes Waska_the_Rocker to Top Fan (On Two-Week Trial Basis)'

2009-01-13T08:40:00.003-06:00

Waska_the_Rocker -- who has ridden a rocky road in FBO fanship (and membership) over the past three years, being suspended from various FBO events on several occasions -- is taking over the FBO Top Fan status for the next two weeks.

It will be up to fellow FBO fans to observe his conduct and participation until January 27 to determine if he can oust FBO Top Fan Rich Trott from the position long term.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

--> Disclaimer: Waska_the_Rocker did not paint his likeness (as shown above). This painting -- actually a self-portrait by a 15-year-old Russian girl named Yuli -- was photographed in the Regional Museum of Blagoveshchensk, Russia, in June 2008.

FBO: 'FBO Turns Three'

2009-01-11T01:11:00.000-06:00

RESTATEMENT OF FBO OBJECTIVES

It was a simple idea -- admittedly one no one had ever thought of before -- in early 2006, when the Failed Bands of Oklahoma registered for a free spot on Blogspot and starting charting out new territory: respect for failed bands, tips for future failed bands, and efforts to garner press coverage for failed bands.

--> Happy birthday to the FBO!

In three years, the FBO has picked up four members and attracted -- curiously enough -- many critics. One attacked FBO 'Top Fan Rich Trott' -- whose title may be slipping soon -- in early 2008, by suggesting comments made on Mark Knopfler during the FBO's Mark Knopfler Week were out of hand. The critic was right -- clearly -- but the knock on Trott was out of line too, and the FBO responded.

This year the FBO continues its efforts to assemble failed bands at a show in Guymon, Oklahoma -- sadly the FBO postpones the day of May 2008 to September 2008 -- and makes a general call for transparency in the entertainment and creative media: prodding creators to show decisions and reasons behind their artworks.

Also the FBO bans people and institutions that fail to do so, or make aggrevious errors.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Relives Great 90s Miscalculation'

2009-01-09T11:40:00.005-06:00

DRIVIN, THEN CRYIN
One of the more interesting transitions of all time was when Drivin n Cryin -- a punk, then folk, then pop metal band of the late '80s and early '90s (actually still going) made a fluffy-haired metal video about ten minutes before Nirvana released 'Smells Like Teen Spirit.'

The video is an embarrassment now, even if the song doesn't sound as bad as it did for an audience clamoring for something outside the usual MTV rotation. But, with critics in their pocket, Kevin Kinney and company feathered the hair and went for the big hit, just as their gritty indie roots could have landed them more credibility with the charts, bigger labels and new fans. One of the bigger rock mistakes of all time.

I had a chance to talk with Kevin Kinney, the lead singer, about it just as the album Fly Me Courageous was released in 1991. He was a nice, thoughtful guy. Only 22, I snarkily compared it to Dokken -- I apologize, Kevin -- and got the following response to why the band went that way at what turned out to be exactly the wrong moment.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'The Worst of the '90s: Pearl Jam's First Album Cover'

2009-01-06T08:43:00.009-06:00

'Then that Cobain had to come around and ruin it all... the '90s sucked.'
-- Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

Amen, brother. As 2009 is the first year since the '90s to include the digit '9' -- the worst number -- the FBO will be turning back to the '90s throughout the year to explain why it was the worst decade, musically and creatively speaking.

For starters, does anyone think it's about time we got an explanation for Pearl Jam's laughable cover for their debut album 10? The overly earnest raised-hand or arm-in-arm embrace sort of works when you're Vietnam vets singing backups in Billy Joel's live 'Goodnight Saigon' video (which isn't sounding that bad in 2009), but it really has no place on the outset of new era, where alternative bands took over the limelight from the fussed-up bands of the late '80s.

1991 was a hopeful time, but Pearl Jam -- complete with back-up guitarist's Richie Sambora hat in the grainy b/w video of 'Alive' -- assured hard-rock fans that this new 'alternative rock' wouldn't cut back on any Ford Truck bravado. And they ended up prophetic on that.

--> It's tempting to imagine that Pearl Jam don't prefer, artfully speaking, Gutzon Borglum (of Mt Rushmore fame) or Felix DeWeldon (of Iwa Jima Memorial fame) to 'vaguer' works by Rodin or Michelangelo.

The cover of the 11-song 10 (actually named for former OU basketball player Mookie Blaylock's number in the NBA) is a genuine attempt to show 'all for one, one for all' -- something immortally picked up by Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart and Sting with a Three Musketeers film ballad 'All For Love' in 1993.

A few things you can't do:

* Walk around the East Village in 1996 with an Oasis t-shirt.
* Drink Starbucks on stage in 2002 or 2003.
* Cover songs by Oasis.
* Use hats to form an identity unless you're Brian Johnson (of AC/DC) or Jamiroquai.
* Believe that a rock band, locked in unity, can triumph over the odds of homelessness, murder, depression, teen angst.

FBO Questionnaire:
Is there any difference, really, between the sentiments of the following two photographs -- one Rod Stewart, Bryan Adams (and a slightly removed) Sting interlocked in a soaring chorus about three poncey sword fighters, and the other the full image from Pearl Jam's debut photo shoot?

The answer, all for all, should be an emphatic 'no.'

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Suggestions for Tourism Ploys'

2009-01-04T15:03:00.001-06:00

TOURISM PLOY UNCOVERED!
Guandu, China wants to be liked so much that the rarely visited city spent $3 million to rebuild its four main 1000-year-old temples and even, gulp, tore down blocks of ancient homes to build 'antique-looking shops' catered to tourists. Catch is that no one came.

So, per a recent New York Times article, the city government struck a deal with fashionably-hip 'kung fu monks' from 1200 miles away. The monks would manage the temples for 30 years and keep all proceeds from donation boxes and gift shops (presumably in the temples), the city would benefit from increased awareness.

--> One of the monks' first acts: advertising monthly kung fu lessons for $44 (about an average salary for many residents).

The FBO neither applauds nor condemns that acts of the city or monks, but does offer suggestions for other struggling tourist destinations -- tweaks to be made to garner more interest.

BULGARIA. Institute an 'alphabet throwing contest' in Rila. Visitors can create or bring examples of their alphabet (in various forms -- recycled products, wood, tire) and see which flies the farthest -- Bulgaria invented the Cyrillic (Russian) alphabet. Also, start volunteer tourism to help excavate Roman/Thracian sites before grave-robbers get to it. Bulgarian wine is really good, but the nation doesn't promote it well -- foster programs for family-run wineries to open doors to tourism and agro-turismo stays and even work weekends cultivating grapes.

NORTH DAKOTA. Change the name to Real Dakota. Begin a catapult festival between Fargo and Moorhead, Minnesota -- large harmless things are catapulted over the north-flowing Red River. Do not warn Moorhead for the inaugural event. Host a Failed Bands of Oklahoma event in Rugby, the geographical center of North America. Russians charge foreigners inflated rates, sometimes, for hotels and always for museums. North Dakota should institute a two-price system: 'non-Russians' and 'Russians' (200% the ticket). This would generate press and attention. The art-deco Fargo Theater should host vegetable-throwing, profanity-encouraging screenings of the locally maligned film 'Fargo.'

NEW JERSEY. Have every one of the state's 3450 toll checks hand out a 'New Jersey Scenic Drive' map along with a toll receipt -- with 'ten 45 to 60-minute drives just off the interstate.' Actively pursue legislation to restore the State of Liberty and Ellis Islands in New York Harbor back to Jersey's control (both are technically in Jersey's boundaries). The press would be good even if no results. Governor should issue 'apology' for the state's lackluster image, then change the name of the state to Bruce Springsteen or York.

YAKUTSK, RUSSIA. The world's coldest city of over 200,000 -- home to the Yakut people, a city on stilts because of the brutal permafrost below the earth's surface. Make a fake beach -- with gold sand and fake neon trees -- along the not-bad Lena River in town. Ice volleyball contests in March. I got a real-reindeer Christmas ornament there -- with Blitzen fur; Yakutsk could organize a Reindeer-slaughtering Christmas events. Let a few outsiders know about the wonderful June Ysyakh event (with teepees and horse meat). Drop the foreigner pricing scheme.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Video Feed: Tall Tales' First Show in 14 Years'

2009-01-02T10:05:00.002-06:00

Fourteen years. The time it took Axl to foster Chinese Democracy, the time lapsed between livehouse stage performances by FBO #001 Tall Tales.

To celebrate, the FBO's fourth-coming year in existence, here's a recorded video feed of Tall Tales' performance of 'What?' from the Deli in Norman in early November:

It could reasonably be argued that this show -- of a failed band returning to the stage -- was aided by the environment created by the Failed Bands of Oklahoma.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'The Best of FBO 2008'

2008-12-31T21:51:00.004-06:00

It's been a busy 2008 for the Failed Bands of Oklahoma:

--> The FBO noted that Oklahoma designed a really dumb quarter.

--> The National Automobile Museum purposely endorsed some old car race that went out of its way to snub Oklahoma. Hence the FBO asked for an apology and never received one.

--> The FBO recognized the danger of naming the new OKC NBA team, offered pre-emptive suggestions (that ended up better than the final verdict).

--> The FBO -- fed up with critics' negativity -- responded by falling in love:

--> The FBO tried to like REM again, then listened again to Hear-n-Aid's curious 164-second guitar solo.

--> The FBO took issue with Virginia's quarter, which noted the death of Jamestown.

--> The FBO, in Bulgaria, responded to critics at the same hilltop it released FBO news in 2006. Then created a poem -- using a disrespectful act to a pet to work as a proxy rebuttal -- in a Bulgarian rental car for the ongoing criticism FBO receives without warrant.

--> FBO's first member Tall Tales played their first show in 14 years.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Rather Upset with SE Hinton'

2008-12-29T13:19:00.010-06:00

GREAT BOOK, BAD OKLAHOMA

If you've not seen it yet, editors Matt Weiland and Sean Wilsey put together a fine new hardcover book State by State: A Panoramic Portrait of America, with essays by 50 writers of the 50 states. It's fashioned -- with its neat cover and concept -- as a reprisal of the WPA Guides, a Federal Writers' Project during FDR's administration. Some pieces are great -- Dave Eggers' spirited case for why Illinois is the best state (because of skyscrapers, Lincoln, license plates, friendliness) is hilarious, and rather convincing.

Others are awful. Anthony Bourdain reinforces the image of Jersey suburbia -- a slave to New York City -- in his ultra-personal history of New Jersey, and misses an opportunity to talk of its actual rural heart (unseen from the turnpikes). His call, I guess. Meanwhile, Said Sayrafiezadeh from New York's Lower East Side stumbles through the most obvious South Dakota sites, akin to 'City Slickers,' without saying anything meaningful of a state with pink highways or touching on anything beyond the obvious. OK, maybe, in another venue, but unsatisfying for the purposes of this book.

The worst, so far (we're not finished reading), is Oklahoma's chapter, written by Tulsan SE Hinton, who remains Oklahoma's turn-to writer though she's only known for a handful of teen books written three to four decades ago.

In her four-page entry (the briefest in the book), she explains why she still lives in Oklahoma. She quotes Will Rogers a few times, talks about how meteorologists are 'demi gods' there, throws an offhand note that 'no state is prouder of its Native American heritage' (without giving an example). It comes off like back-cover blurbs, designed to sell a guidebook ('Oklahoma has all kinds of terrain...'). That she wrote it (in a day?) while being iced in her Tulsa home during the December 2007 ice storm makes it feel more like a break from her boredom. A crossword puzzle for her to pass the time.

Other writers bother to return to their homes for the story, talk with locals to give life or other perspective.

Suggestions for what SE Hinton could have talked about:

* Oklahoma has the best state shape in the country. And the reason is because Texas wanted slaves. After the Missouri Compromise forbid slavery over the 36-30 parallel, so they just sliced off the top of their panhandle.

* Oklahoma has the best state flag in the country. And the only one devoted to Native American themes.

* Rand McNally once famously forgot to include Oklahoma in a road atlas.

* John Steinbeck immortalized Dust Bowl Okies' move west in The Grapes of Wrath, but didn't bother to check much about the setting. He described a dusty flat plains for the Joads' hometown, but placed it in the hilly, green east of the state.

* Oklahoma is named for the Choctaw word for 'red man,' has more Native Americans than any other state (per capita), is planning a huge Native American museum in downtown OKC, and the state's nickname openly acknowledges law-breakers, the Sooners.

* That Oklahoma, like Kentucky, is a state without a clear region. It's sort of Great Plains (but with a FAR more diverse population than any state north of it), too western to be Midwest ultimately, and not south at all. In the end, Oklahoma is part of what I call the Texas sub-continent, linked to its rival big brother more than any of its other neighbors.

* Oklahoma's 'black towns' like Boley, which hosts a 'black rodeo' annually -- all legacies of towns settled shortly after the Civil War.

* Oklahoma is redder than any state -- election-wise (all counties went McCain in 08) -- yet OKC did the unthinkable by voting in a one-cent sales tax that helped improve itself more than any other American city in the past decade (eg Art Museum downtown, new library, putting water in the river, Bricktown canal, Ford Center, Flaming Lips Alley...)

SE Hinton calls Oklahoma a 'great place for a writer, a free place for a writer.' It's too bad she made her case without leaving her home. A missed opportunity.

--> The FBO encourages all writers interested in writing about Oklahoma or North Dakota to contact the FBO before-hand.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Acknowledges Canadian FBO(BT)'

2008-12-27T11:31:00.004-06:00

A SITE DEVOTED TO LESSER-KNOWN ARTISTS

The Canadian site -- Five Bucks On By-Tor, curiously beginning with 'FBO' initials -- focuses on less-than-heralded non-failed music heroes north of the border. We applaud the focus, even if it snubs failed bands of Canada (a note will be written to them).

--> Finder's acknowledgment to Tom C-- of Wisconsin.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent -- Brooklyn, NY

Postscript: We've sent the following message to FBOBT:

A quick message here from a different 'FBO' -- the Failed Bands of Oklahoma -- which tries to trumpet failed, unheralded bands of all US states, Canadian provinces and other territorial divisions worldwide. The FBO appreciates your efforts here, and you have been acknowledged on our Dec 27 issue.

If you have suggestions for failed Canadian bands -- bands that were never 'signed' to a label, played at least 75% original music, and began at least 10 years ago -- we'd love to hear about them.

FBO Admin

FBO: 'It's a New Christmas Video'

2008-12-25T00:01:00.002-06:00

In celebration of the holiday season, the Failed Bands of Oklahoma releases this packaged video -- culling snippets of worldwide Christmas celebrations -- into a 53-second track 'Christmas is for Christians.'

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Baby Books on Watchlist'

2008-12-24T09:49:00.008-06:00

Christmas comes tomorrow, and with it much talk of one of the most famous babies of all time. The FBO, however, is concerned with a disturbing trend in 'baby books' of dropping any article or modifier for reference to a -- emphasis 'a' -- baby.

Examples include:

* 'caring for baby'
* 'adjusting to life with baby'
* 'dressing up baby'

This is wrong and offensive. And tragically yet more ammunition for the small-scale anti-baby movement out there. What's wrong with saying 'your baby,' 'my baby,' 'our baby,' even 'the baby' on occasion?

Do we ask 'you have sister in Cleveland, don't you?' or 'you have a sister in Cleveland, verdad?'

Why should it be any different for a baby?

In dropping the modifier, such baby books as Humble Bumble's Baby Journal: A Keepsake Journal for Baby's First Three Years are openly mocking foreigners who speak English as a second or third language -- and not used to modifiers as 'the' or 'a.'

Meanwhile, some book titles use a modifier on the covers -- eg The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know about Your Baby from Birth to Age Two -- then sneakily drop the modifier with all references in the text. This is even worse.

The FBO asks these baby-book publishers to apologize and make edits, and reminds us -- everyone --to modify all babies as yours, or theirs etc.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY