FBO: 'Grading the Underachiever Triplets'

AXL, BRIAN & QUENTIN
Guns'n'Roses new album Chinese Democracy came out a few weeks ago, and I was quick to download it. Anyone -- pretty much anyone -- who spends so long (14 years) with so much pomp and self-destruction to make a rock record is, as a rule, interesting, and occasionally pretty good. It's very easy to root against Indianan Axl Rose, but the thing is, the album is fairly remarkable. When do you have a lead single that requires Wikipedia to get all the references (Falung Gong anyone?).

Things are often overblown -- tripled lead vocals, guitar leads peppering any gap, sound bytes in the horrible 'Madagascar' range from Cool Hand Luke to Martin Luther King Jr. But the biggest surprise is that it's actually a real Guns'n'Roses album, a blip back to a different rock'n'roll era, despite the Nine Inch Nails sound effects and electro beats picked up over the 14-year sprawl-in-the-making (not to mention the Terrence Trent D'Arby dreads!?). It's better than the mess of a double album Use Your Illusion (1991).

-->Axl's Underachievement Score: A-. Guns'n'Roses have three studio releases of original material over a 20-year period.

Fourteen years in the making, Chinese Democracy only wins silver in an album's delay. The gold honors go to Brian Wilson/Beach Boys' Smile (2004), which took nearly 30. In 1967, Wilson tried to one-up the Beatles' Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band -- which had tried, and failed, to one-up the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds (aka 'best album of all time,' 1966). The Smile project was flooded with over-thought arrangements and lyrics, which led to Brian's madness (more or less), an eventually scrapped album, then a jarringly barebone follow up Smiley Smile that (other than 'Good Vibrations') barely hinted at what the vision had been. Brian Wilson assembled some studio musicians to 'finish' (re-record) the original Smile in 2004, so unlike Axl's, the finished work wasn't continuously worked on and re-tooled over a long period of time; it was merely scrapped, forgotten, then returned to. Notably, the final version of Smile didn't show any real changes from leaked demos from 1967 -- no funk guitars, wah wah pedals, rap breaks, slap bass or four-on-the-floor disco beats had been picked up along the way. It's interesting, but there may be a reason Brian got frustrated (and crazy) in 1967 -- he was reaching too far.

--> Brian's Underachievement Score: D-. Brian needed 27 years for Smile, but no apology needed for churning out breathtaking song after breathtaking song through most of the '60s. He also re-emerged from the Smile disaster to make a few worthy songs here an there, particularly on 'Honkin' Down the Highway' in 1978. Plus he can use illness as an excuse.

Brian and Axl's other separated triplet of underachievement is Tennesseean Quentin Tarantino, who burst with promise with a two-fer of 'isn't violence funny?' movies: Reservoir Dogs (1992), Pulp Fiction (1994). Then he ran out of ideas. Three years later, he did a version of an Elmore Leonard novel with the so-so Jackie Brown (1997), then waited six more years before bringing out an original story again with Kill Bill Vol I & II (2003 & 2004), which seemed to stem from a Pulp Fiction joke about a TV pilot of the 'Fox Force Five.' He's talking of adding Vol III & Vol IV in another ten years.

-->Quentin's Underachievement Score: B-. If not for Kill Bill, Quentin would lead Axl.

Failed Bands of Oklahoma sympathize with the creative trappings of these nonfailed artists, but do ask for an apology from each.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Necticut = Stitution'

IS IT MUFFINS FOR ALL OR NO ONE?
This week the FBO will enact an order regarding its relationship with Connecticut: either adopting the state or banning it for the life of the FBO. It needs your help to know which is the proper course of action.

In the extended PRESIDENT'S DAY WEEKEND, a curious holiday devoted to a single president (but never explained which), FBO Admin celebrated by a visit to 'upstate New York' and made a short, unexpected sojourn across Connecticut state lines. FBO Admin, a novice at Connecticut tourism, asked a few locals about its nickname and had a coffee at an original Connecticut Muffin, a bizarre chain with many New York City locations. No one knew why Connecticut was called the 'Constitution State' -- one suggested turbidly 'because of the founding fathers.'

Delaware was the first state to ratify the US Constitution (meaning, if you think of it, the country was initially 'the United State of America'). The USA's fifth state, Connecticut, did not author the constitution, nor did a Connecticut politician 'chip in.'

Based on selfless research at FBO HQ, it's been determined that Connecticut's nickname actually refers to a 1638 constitution -- more accurately, the 'Fundamental Orders of Connecticut' -- which has been replaced several times. Some claim it to be the 'first constitution' in North America, yet the original Orders (see link) never mention the word 'constitution.' Nevertheless, in 1959, when Connecticut -- the country's richest state -- found itself without a suitable nickname (an alternate remains 'nutmeg state'), they desperately grabbed at a FAILED DOCUMENT that pre-dated its history as a state by 140 years and named it for a word that it did NOT itself claim to be: a constitution.

--> Similar reasoning suggests that Italy is the 'birthplace of aviation,' as Leonardo de Vinci's failed attempts at flight in the 16th century (winged ornithopters) were later validated by successful flights by the likes of the Ohioan Wright Brothers in 1903...

The tenacity of Connecticut's move, however, is to be admired. And its nod to a noble failure is another thing we at the FBO hold dear. Still there are aspects -- a lack of any creativity, or insight, for example -- that makes us as FBO HQ pause.

To solve the problem, the FBO asks you to decide. A vote through this week is being held for failed-bands' fans to determine. Please vote for one of the following:

a) Connecticut should be banned from FBO events, and sent an explanatory note
b) Connecticut should be adopted by the FBO, and sent a note of congratulations

The option of no action is not in question. A note of some sort will be sent to Connecticut from the Failed Bands of Oklahoma.


Thank you,

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

PS -- FBO fan Thomas Caw of West Hartford will be exempt from any negative repercussions of the vote, and possibliy benefit from positive ones.

FBO: 'TV Shows Put on Watch List'

THE FBO IS FURIOUS!

The main reason why TV shows ultimately fail is the drive for viewer-manipulation and ad dollars. Story lines are stretched out to justify extra seasons; characters switch personalities to allow new rubs and conflicts. There's no integrity left to 'the story'. Only ways to keep the show rolling. Often writers of hits are culled to other, higher-paying gigs and work suffers.

Consider movies. Many people rank Francis Ford Coppola's three-hour The Godfather and three-hour The Godfather II as their favorites -- certainly Al Pacino gives an all-too-rare understated (not yelling all the time) performance. But even this two-fer classic couldn't sustain a third. Coppola's three-hour The Godfather III may be the worst sequel in history -- like a videotape of a let's-be-nice reunion where nothing really happens other than someone gets shot on the steps. If The Godfather can't stretch a story -- remember, that's why we're here, for a story -- to nine hours, why could something like supposedly 'deeper' and more 'thought-provoking' TV shows like Lost, Alias, 24 Hours or now-declining Battlestar Galactica?

--> Lost has run 43 HOURS OF SHOWS and still not given any glimpse -- I hear -- of where it's going, an explanation to the mystery of the island. Have you ever watched a 43-hour movie, or read a 26,000-page book, that has taken longer to get around to The Point?

Other than sit-coms or the tiresome trend of medical and police shows (how about a dentist show for a change?), TV shows should be limited to one or (max) two seasons, as often happens with the BBC. This is an acceptable (albeit excessive: about 18 hours per a season of 'hour-long' shows!) time frame to play out a story. Shows that go beyond that should refund viewers some of the advertising dollars. The FBO also asks for a public apology.

Seeking entertainment integrity for failed-bands and failed-bands' fans,


FBO Admin,
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

PS - Valentine's Day is for wussies.

FBO: 'Tourism Comes to Oklahoma'

ARE YOU READY?
It is not escaped the FBO's attention that 2007 is a special year for Oklahoma. On November 16, Oklahoma -- the best shaped state in these United States -- turns 100. It's expected the panhandle state, so nicknamed for the FBO-adopted panhandle, will see a 'bump up' in tourism. Something that all Oklahomans need to brace for.

Meanwhile, the Failed Bands of Oklahoma would like to welcome visitors from other states, provinces and countries -- and particularly hopes that participants and fans of failed bands will take the time to visit Oklahoma's attractions. Three of our favorite attractions/events for this year include: Boley Rodeo, an African-American rodeo southwest of Tulsa (May 26-27); the Oklahoma Centennial Gala/Spectacular (Nov 22, Oklahoma City), which we feel FBO should have an inclusion; and the Price Tower (www.pricetower.org), a Frank Lloyd Wright 'skyscraper' in Bartlesville that's now a hotel.

The FBO will be soon contacting The Oklahoma Centennial Gala/Spectacular to seek an invitation for FBO members at the statehood gala. More to come...

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY


PS -- Photos of tourism are from Tulum, Mexico; a Vladivostok, Russia, ferry dock; and Cu Chi Tunnels, Vietnam.

FBO: ´Football Banner Flies O'er Mexico'

A day ago FBO Admin squeezed into the back of a combi van that passed signs signaling Zapatista-run territories on the way to visit Tonina Mayan ruins. At least a couple of the co-horts in the back spoke Spanish poorly if at all -- Tzotzil was more their thing. Today, in touristy Playa del Carmen, FBO Admin found himself during the fourth quarter of the Colts-Patriots AFC championship game, sitting next to a man in a Chicago Bears cap, hoarse cackle from a life of smoking. 'I am Captain Ron. I own this place. Born and raised in Chicago', motions to cap, 'Been here for 10 years. Bought this for $30,000, now it's worth $400,000.' Hanging out were an assorted of 50-something Americans, here to forget about work for a few days, and to lather in the Jimmy Buffet world that Captain Ron lays out for them. 'See? I knew the Colts would win,' he said jabbing fun at a Patriot Buffet fan. 'Been good watching with you,' he said shaking my hand as I left. 'I am Captain Ron.'

Football is everywhere here, it seems. American football. As shown with one of the greatest photographs taken in the 21st century, procured exlusively for FBO by FBO Admin. Taken on the night of the BCS National Championship, betwixt Florida and Ohio State over a week ago, two moustached men, BOTH named Pepe, gave their stoic pre-game analysis of a college game that few locals would know anything about. It was broadcast on the Mexican Fox Sports to the entire nation of 108 million.

Spreading knowledge and promoting the failed,

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Palenque, Mexico

FBO: "How to Count Vomits"

While on a promotional trip for the Failed Bands of Oklahoma in Chiapas, Mexico, FBO Admin fell victim to food poisoning and was left pondering how to count vomits in between trips to the (thankfully) private bathroom four feet away. Each "episode" comes with at least four expulsions. Does each expulsion count as a vomit? Do you get to say, whilst showing off in the hostel common space a day or two later, "Man, I threw up 16 times"?

Web search yields little satisfactory result. According to one playful FAQ on vomiting, when one gets sick -- almost always preceded by nausea -- a "wave" of vomit follows, and in the case of food poisoning, one requires three or four "waves" to rid your stomach of the culpritory food or drink. Each "wave" may require six to ten expulsions.

This does not answer the question.

A food-poisoning sickness, or a stomach flu of other sorts, can be counted by the "trips to the bathroom," or a "wave." But is each time your brain signals your stomach, and possibly small intestine, that the latest take is a "no go" -- each time a mad outpouring of stomach content -- is that a vomit?

Sadly the FBO believes that, until other proof comes, that a "wave" constitutes a vomit. And not each expulsion that constitutes each "wave." I explused maybe 18 times over four waves yesterday, but that only counts as four vomits. So: "Dude, I puked four times from those bad tacos." (It was more likely the salsa left out at room temperature for extended amounts of time that gets the blame.)

By the way, vomit tastes bad NOT from stomach acid by from butyl acid from the small instestine, and also the lack of sweeteners, as they are very quickly digested -- and out of reach from the vomitory episode. Also, though we rarely do so, it is best to vomit with your head LOWER than your hips, to ensure no vomit gets into your lungs.

Also, rats cannot vomit.


FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- San Cristobal de Las Casas, Mexico