Thursday, November 30, 2006

FBO: 'Calling All Failed Bands'


After Kansan failed bands' guerilla attacks to undermine this site -- evident in the Rolling Stone magazine cut-and-paste jobs following the justified Byrds post (see below) -- it's time for a about-face, self-survey of FBO. And it's clear: we are not doing enough. This gut-check prompts the FBO to call out for all failed bands -- with the exception of Kansan failed bands -- to come together on Boxing Day to record a song 'We're the Failed Bands of Oklahoma' in Oklahoma, which will be mixed, made into a video and sent to Kansas as a challenge.

--> Please post here if there is a day just before or after Christmas -- roughly between December 23 and December 27 -- that you could spend an evening with pizza to lend your bass, vocal or drum stick to the first collective FBO anthem.

Note the Stupid Shape:

Note the Shape of Excellence:

By the way the BEST SONG OF THE WEEK goes to the re-release of the opening track of Pearls Before Swine's hilarious Balaklava, a lightly psychedelic, anti-Vietnam War album from 1969 with heavily reverbed, brittle melodies and creepy whispered messages ('all is silent,' 'waiting,' 'Jeezuzz'). The opening song, 'Trumpeter Landfrey,' is an actual recording from the 1880s of a survivor of the 'charge of the light brigade' from the 1854 Crimean War. Trumpeter Landfrey says:

'I am Trumpeter Landfrey, one of the surviving trumpeters from the charge of the light brigade in Balaklava. I'm now going to sound the bugle...'

Shaken and stirred,

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

Saturday, November 25, 2006

FBO: 'Furious with Byrds'

The worst band in the history of rock music is the Byrds. Making a career out of covering other people's songs with flat harmonies and 12-string guitars, the Byrds never really had a moment until they gave up the reigns of their band -- in a career crisis moment after psychedlic's fire simmered out -- and let Graham Parsons sing lead, direct the songs and make their best album 'Sweetheart of the Rodeo' in 1968.

With David Crosby (of lame CSN&Y fame) and Parsons gone, the smug Roger 'I have a 12-string! I have a 12-string!' McGuinn -- never much of a force in the band -- took over, finding new Dylan songs to cover. (They re-did Dylan's biggest song 'Lay Lady Lay' the same year Dylan released it, for example.)

Eventually we -- the children of the '80s -- believed what we were told: the Byrds were an important 1960s band and the uncharismatic, poor singer McGuinn was its pioneer. We clapped politely as they were awarded status to the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame in 1991. And we nodded our heads in time to the 10-second soundbyte of 'Turn Turn Turn' as it accompanied a Time-Life Book commercial in 1989. None of us have ever listened to any of their non-Parsons albums, nor should.

Take a look at this:

* first 'hit' was 'Mr Tambourine Man' (written by Dylan)
* follow-up single 'All I Really Want to Do' (written by Dylan)
* follow-up single 'Turn Turn Turn' (traditional folk song by Pete Seeger)
* two years later they actually wrote a song ('So You Wanna Be a Rock'n'Roll Star') to make a dig at the manufactured Monkees' overnight success, forgetting they had formed in a similar fashion a few years earlier
* fired (admittedly overrated) David Crosby who had been principal songwriter in psychedlic era
* in 1972, following success of rival Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Byrds released 'Byrds' album under name 'Gene Clark, Chris Hillman, David Crosby, Roger McGuinn & Michael Clarke)

The FBO calls for Roger McGuinn, as the official Byrds spokesperson:

--> to apologize
--> to post all material free online (none of their music should make money from this point on)
--> return the 'Hall of Fame' inductee ribbon
--> stop talking about the Byrds on nostalgic radio/TV shows

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

Monday, November 20, 2006

FBO: 'Considers Google Ban'

Google is trying to punish the Failed Bands of Oklahoma. Previously a search of 'Failed Bands of Oklahoma' linked directly to this site. Now the FBO official site doesn't make it in the first 20 pages of Google links. What went wrong?

The FBO's recent challenge for failed bands of Iowa and North Dakota struck a chord with Google, as did the now-suspended ban against New Jersey.

While sorrowful that the Internet search engine is upset with the FBO, the FBO cannot retract its missives and dicta. That Google is so unnerved by FBO's actions suggests that collectives of the failed are causing alarm in the ranks of the successful.

The FBO is considering a full ban on Google.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

Monday, November 13, 2006

FBO: 'Tips for New Bands'

Surprisingly, bands have yet to seize a few ideas waiting for glory:

ALT-ROCK BOY BAND Somewhere in the warehouse rehearsal spaces of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, there must be some scruffly-haired 25-year-olds practicing dance moves and putting payments down on cordless head mics. Alt-rock needs a 'boy band' -- with dance routines and line-up of five with varying personalities.

CO-OPT SOME JOEL Yes, the US Office TV show finally made a crack at 'William Joel,' but so far no one has yet to realize the misplaced snarl and tuff guy of the Bronx's least intimidating homie of all time, Billy Joel, could easily translate into some fine cover material: it's catchy, it's funny, it's misguided and it has a message.

HOCKEY PLAYERS A good name for a band.

BAND ATTACKED BY GOPHERS With ample fake blood and fake amputated limbs on-hand, rent gophers for a show and set-up a band-under-attack in the last song.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

Thursday, November 09, 2006

FBO: 'Defining Stacy'

Surely less than 1% of the earth's inhabitants are named 'Stacy,' but the FBO subscribes to the belief that -- regardless of their chosen or adopted names -- the nearly one in 10 people, regardless of sex, is a 'Stacy.' Loosely 'Stacy' is a name for someone with a slight stammer or deformity, an uneccessary cheery disposition, or a significant under- or over-bite.

Stay tuned for more on the definition of a Stacy.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Singapore Airport