FBO: "Oklahoma on LP.com? Sacre Bleu!"

This happened:

Lonely Planet, who publishes guidebooks to more destinations than any other publisher, is leading the week... with Oklahoma.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Queens, NY

FBO: "Maiden on Fox"

This happened:

FBO: Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson

FBO's Robert Reid recently met up with Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden, and talked travel & rock life. Music: courtesy of Tulsa's Bozack, featuring FBO member Terry Waska.

FBO Admin
Semi-Permanent HQ -- Queens, NY

FBO: "What Happened to All the Rage in Dallas?"

Fisherman's Wharf in Victoria, British Columbia, at 8:30am is a little quiet. On a day with a bike in the 'most English town in Canada' recently, I pedalled there. Walked about the boxy floating homes. Saw a dog. Flower pots. Some Canadian flags. A few folks waiting to head out on a whale trip. And a box of free CDs with a hand-drawn sign: 'free CDs.'

I immediately picked up one: the self-titled 1998 release of Edmonton's All the Rage in Dallas.

Finally listening weeks later, I get the feeling ATRID really didn't agree on what they wanted. Thirteen years on, only the 'heavy metal looking guy' (and his haircut) survives -- Don Heberling, who is the 'band leader' per the website. Notably, the more country-leaning, flat-toned moustached singer Ralph Kendrick (no, not this Ralph Kendrick) is long gone.

Their website sadly notes their 1998 CD 'enjoyed some airplay,' and offers a few mp3s of more recent songs.

Victoria. ATRID. The FBO just wants to thank you.

FBO Admin
Semi-permanent HQ -- Queens, NY

Eight Songs You Shouldn't Like (But You Do)

Some songs are better than others, and some are just off. But specks of golden nugget shine from these piles too. To find what I mean, throw out the music with any ironic or pure nostalgic appeal -- Poison, Britney Spears, "Material Girl," "We are the World," Cyndi Lauper -- and sift through those musicians that tend to take themselves a bit to seriously, put a little too much spice in their mustard. They aim for Dylan, but end up a bit south of Joel. And I love them for it.

If you read this list, and say, 'hey that's actually really good.' Well, yeah, you're right. But know that you/we are are bonehead wrong too. Because we shouldn't like them.


Don Henley, "The Heart of the Matter."
There is no songwriter in the history of music that is harder to blare on your car speakers at intersections than Donald Henley. Look, he's good (and don't pretend you don't like "Desperado," plus his worst is much better than that Eagle dufus Glen Frey), but he's too uppity and chumpity to take too seriously. Plus he drums. This song -- from "End of the Innocence," an album where he actually stooped to collaborate with Bruce Hornsby -- is deceptively good, with a tolerable bridge (the '80s were hell on bridges). And I like how you never know who cheated on who, and how he says "I think it's about forgiveness," but not sure.


Oasis, anything Oasis.
I once dared a friend to walk down St Marks Place in the East Village with an Oasis shirt on. He didn't do it. And I don't blame him. Oasis are kings of songs you shouldn't like, but you do -- and yes, you do like them. The reason? Because Oasis are very very good. And the more they try to be serious, the more delirious the guilt is. Plus their haircuts are cute.


David Gray, "The Other Side."
David really really wants to be taken seriously; he has that little head bob when emotion gets the better of him, as his fingertips pepper the piano keys in his aim to heart-break a sad-eyed lass of the Midlands. But that head-bob, seriously, I have to look the other way every time he does it. But dammit, the guy's good. This song is as embarrassing as any song I've heard over 10 times, willingly. And I'm charmed by the tenacity (couldn't quite say "specious") of the line "love is a raven when it flies." Um, no David, it's not.


Jefferson Starship, "Find Your Way Back."
The Bay Area is a hotbed of musical mediocrity. I don't care about Metallica and CCR -- or rather not enough to change my mind -- but it cannot make up for a city built on rock'n'roll, Huey Lewis' sax solos, the kneel-down cries of "you're motoring!" at the end of "Sister Christian" or anything Steve Miller. But this -- sung with a dandy of a moustached singer -- is just good. The 12-string acoustics, the Ramones-like chorus progression freckled with unnecessary organ. Listen in during the second verse for that tacked-on, scaled-down segway ("you got no place to be/still you wonder where you're going") with all sorts of bearded NoCal bandmates chipping in on the vocals. Well done Jeff Star.


Stevie Nicks & Don Henley, "Leather & Lace."
Henley, I'm telling you -- he just crumples all he touches. This little tender one from 1981 doesn't seem to get the airplay it once did. Expect a revival soon. But you shouldn't like it for a very clear reason: the image of Stevie letting her lace down, with Don -- bearded, hairy Texan Don -- leaning in towards her, covered in LEATHER (!?), then giving that long, meaningful pause in his second verse after he sings "and sometimes I cry..." He lets that hang for a while. Giving you the chance to just imagine him -- a serious Texan -- putting his hand down on his leather chaps and looking up to reflect, with mirrored tearways equally running across both of his bearded cheeks. Don, and I mean this, thank you.

Collective Soul, "December."
Oh, this one hurts. There has never been a bigger group of posers than Stockbridge, Georgia's C-Soul. For proof, just listen to their first big song "Shine," and how Ed Roland -- apparently in all seriousness -- pops in that affected "yeah" at each pause of the inevitable testicular riff (children, don't do what I've done). But "December." Despite the break into occasional palm-to-forehead-slapping Eddie Vedderish growls, easier-going "December" bubbles with violins, Byrds-y guitars with nice guitar crescendos and air-conditioned backing vocals layered on top of the building outro. OK Roland, you win.


Elton John, "I Guess That's Why They Call it the Blues."
Elton, you had me as soon as you had that overly earnest, possibly English-as-a-second-language backing chorus echoing you at the end with overly enunciated lines "laugh-ing like chil-dren, livv-ing like luvv-errrs." Not to mention that fake Stevie Wonder harmonica solo. Rule: Never do that. But Elton did, and in the end some songs are better without rules.

Ringo Starr & the All-Star Band, "Love Me Do."
This is very simply the best song of all time -- and I sort of mean it. Adding an extra minute to a song he never sang for a 1998 VH1 special, Ringo and his cast of almost-huge bandmates (including Jack Blades of Night Ranger) try to fill every possible gap, with oversung vocals, 'oh yeahs,' and guitar trills that had no part, with reason, in the original. It's overstuffed with effort, and love, and for some reason it absolutely works. Perhaps just because Ringo makes everything happy. Actually I DO play this loud at intersections.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permenent HQ -- Queens, NY

FBO: "Oklahomans Group to Portray 12-Second Reenactment of the Shooting of James A. Garfield"

In the recent 22nd episode of SSSTS (76-Second Travel Show), a group of Oklahomans (three, 'Garfield's admirer' is an out-of-state) recreated a moment in history.

Here is the cast:

ERIC DAVISON

as 'The Ohioan President' (James A Garfield)

JOHN WHITAKER

as Charles Guiteau

DAMON COOK
as Garfield's friend

EHREN GRESEHOVER
as Garfield's admirer

FBO: 'Song for Manhattan Bridge'

Oklahoman Beau Jennings was asked to write a song for the Manhattan Bridge, which turned 100 last week. The party held for it drew about 11. Streams of pedestrians, even on a snowy morning, crossed Brooklyn Bridge just south. Here's the video with the non-failed song:

FBO: "Most Enigmatic Drum Solo of All Time"

Please see the 1:10 mark of from this Hungarian new wave band TRABANT's version of "Eskimo Women Feel Cold." You won't regret the time spent:



FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Failed Photographer at Vikings Game (Likely Fired)'

Everyone's talking about Brett Favre's winning TD pass (and Greg Lewis' winning catch) that felled the San Francisco '49ers with 0:02 remaining. What has only caught the FBO's eyes is the underachiever sports photographer, standing two feet from the amazing catch, who didn't think to raise his camera as a potentially game-winning lob was made to his doorsteps with a couple clicks to go. 'Probably will be incomplete,' he probably thought.

NOTE the following. The photographer, in a snappy red vest, is to the right of 'TD' graphic on screen. He's slightly hunched, holding his $5,300 camera at belt level:


Greg Lewis falls at his feet. He looks placidly, without emotion or camera in shooting position. Even the fan above has a finger of disbelief already pointed at Lewis. Meanwhile, note the short-haired guy to the right, also caught out of position:

An audience member has time to lean over the stands, Greg Lewis to catch and now raise the ball, a ref signalling TD, but our paid photographer looks on.


'Hold a tic. I better get this one,' he thinks. What's more bizarre, his short-haired counterpart starts taking the photographer's photo!

Our failed hero finally gets a shot of the back of Lewis already back in the endzone. The counterpart -- probably his supervisor -- gets documentary evidence of underachievement.


Someone make a t-shirt out of this:

FBO: 'Bans Scarborough Fair'

Woodstock turned 40 recently, and a British group is trying to ban remembrances of it, called Traditionalist Brits Against Woodstock.

It's worth reminding everyone that England's Scarborough Fair was originally a mall, and regardless what you think of CSNY's awful song 'Woodstock,' produced one of the most self-indulgent, inconsiderate songs of all time: 'Scarborough Fair.' (See its offensive lyrics here.)



FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Oklahoma Gazette Endorses Failure, Tall Tales'

Tall Tales is set to play its second show in 15 years tomorrow night at Norman's Deli, and Rob Collins of the Oklahoma Gazette has taken note in this profile of all things past, and all things planned.

The article also celebrates, tributes and endorses -- by mention -- the Failed Bands of Oklahoma's planned show in Guymon: The FBO Night in the Panhandle.

This show -- which has an open invite to all failed bands (never signed), with at least 65% original songs, and at least 10 years ago -- simply must happen. It is not necessary to be from Oklahoma to be included in the Failed Bands of Oklahoma. And the show will also include failed magicians.

If you qualify, let us know.

Meanwhile, if you've ever wondered how they decide who dies first in Civil War re-enactments, here's your answer, of sorts:

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Best Sax Player of All Time'

Those of you paying attention to MTV in the early '90s remember this guy. Well. Pink Floyd was back together, again without Roger Waters who essentially wrote all their music, and hired Scott Page to play sax.

Has there ever been anyone with a more immortal mullet than this? Ever?

FBO Admin Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'FBO Nearly on CNN'

Recently FBO member tried to talk about Failed Bands of Oklahoma on CNN International, but unfortunately the interview was cut off just before the subject of 'unusual travel' reached Guymon, Oklahoma.



Tall Tales will pick up the battle axe for failed-band awareness on August 14. There have been some TT interviews with the Oklahoma Gazette, so hopefully that'll appear soon.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Be In a Band'

The FBO Band is on a summer hiatus -- 98 degrees and no AC is never good for inspired rock -- but a couple members WILL be seeing Steely Dan playing Aja in its entirety at New York's Beacon Theater tonight. The last time I was there was February 1993. I moved from Oklahoma with a Keith Richards ticket for the Beacon and it's ended up being Keith's last-ever solo concert. For now anyway.

To pacify eager listeners, here's a demo version of a 'Be In a Band' to listen to. Feel free to vote on whether it should be scrapped, extended, or ended with a long guitar solo.



FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'This Happened'

FBO Member Robert Reid has been very busy lately, but managed an article in the New York Times today. It's on a bizarre, fun neighborhood in Bogota, Colombia, that had crackhouses as recently as five years ago -- now a couple dozen-plus restaurants and a very welcoming crew of locals and expats.

Meanwhile, Tall Tales plans to preview one song from their 2009 LP, tentatively titled 'By Mitch's Candles/Day Ranger,' at the August 14 show at the Deli in Norman.

Oh, did anyone know that the US had a Board on Geographic Names? Looking forward to more study on this, and why there are only five places in the country with apostrophes.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'When Is This Right?'

This image -- of a Belgian -- shows the mortal blow of a unicorn. It's from a 15th-century wall tapestry hanging at New York's fascinating Cloisters museum, part of the Met. It's sit on a hilltop at the very north of Manhattan, and missed by most visitors. The building itself is made from dissassembled/reassembled monasteries of Spain and France.

Medieval times!

Doesn't answer why you see a unicorn, and go kill it.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'When Monuments Tweet'

Stolen from Reidontravel.com:

This week the Statue of Liberty joined Twitter (@StatueLibrtyNP), peppering its 92 and increasing number of followers with slightly-less-than-fun facts about its crown, history and sold-out tours. (I go in early August – managing to get what I couldn’t for the recent Leonard Cohen concert in NYC: a ticket.)

When I heard about her joining, I did what we all did – immediately reached out to other monuments (the St Louis Arch, the Liberty Bell, the Taj Mahal) to see if they have accounts and I stumbled into a HIGHLY SECRETIVE Twitter mini-group of monuments and spied on the following conversation between some of the world’s great monuments.

Here's a portion of what was said:

@StatueLibrtyNP Hey, tours of my crown start this week – first time since NineLev.
@GoldenGateBr Sounds cool
@LibertyBell Awesome : )
@TulsaGoldnDrillr Not to echo the Bell but awesome
@StLouisArch Big deal. You have to climb stairs don’t you?
@StatueLibrtyNP That’s right.
@StLouisArch Get back to us when you don’t have to walk up.
@SearsTower What, you mean have something like your old cranky ‘2001’-type elevator thing? No thanks.
@StLouisArch Beg your pardon, it’s a TRAM. And it goes 4mph.
@TulsaGoldnDrillr Gee, I just lean on a derrick.
@LibertyBell Hey Sears, you have that glass floor thing now???
@SearsTower Yep, visitors get to stare down 103 floors below their feet. Can’t do that at KL’s Petronas.
@LibertyBell Hope it doesn’t crack. ; )
@StLouisArch Enough of that dumb crack. We need to start a new group for monuments that aren’t defective.
[enter @ArchesNP]
@ArchesNP Hey guys, what’s happening?
@StLouisArch Out!
@GoldenGateBr Yeah sorry ANP, but this group isn’t for natural monuments. @BigBend makes that mistake all the time.
@ArchesNP My bad.
[@ArchesNP exits]
[enter @EmpireStBldg]
@EmpireStBldg What’s up mofos?
@SearsTower Hey shortie.
@StLouisArch Emp, don't you think mofus is more accurate?
@EmpireStBldg Whatev. I see you haven't changed Archy.
[@StatueLibrtyNP exits]
@StLouisArch What lights are you today, Mr Project Runway?
@EmpireStBldg July 4th is tomorrow. Take a wild guess.
@SearsTower Green?
@EmpireStBldg I wish.
@GoldenGateBr Empire, what do you think about the Statue reopening?
[@TulsaGoldnDrillr exits]
@EmpireStBldg All for it. Anything to distract from that underachiever obs deck at @RockefellerCentr.
[@TourEiffel enters]
@TourEiffel Bonjour, j'ai besoin d'un conseil!
[@StLouisArch, @SearsTower @EmpireStBldg, @GoldenGateBr exits]
@LibertyBell Come again???!?

FBO: 'FB is not for FaceBook'

Facebook hates the Failed Bands of Oklahoma, as it proved a few days ago by trashing FBO Member #001's account without warning. 'Tall Tales' had a FB account there, where photos and videos and tidbits were shared with a number of followers. Then access was denied, and an email explained, that it was cancelled because 'Tall Tales' isn't a person.

The Gin Blossoms, a non-failed band, still have an active account with Facebook.

Tall Tales will try to start over the process with a new account as a 'band' -- apparently a loophole easily missed during sign up. But Facebook is not allowed to use the Failed Bands of Oklahoma site for two years.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

FBO: 'Lamenting Mortality of Post Cards'

Email. Twitter. Facebook. FAXES! Text messages. Skype calls.

All is fine and good. But it spells the death of the post card.

Not long ago, travel was about postcards. Shopping for bad ones shot by photographers in the '70s and repackaged in print throughout the '80s and Gin Blossoms-era '90s. We'd sit around on trains, in parks, on beaches, at hotel breakfast buffets WRITING, physically writing, post cards to let people know you are there, and they are not.

That's done.

At least we have the free Braum's e-card.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'In Melbourne'

The Failed Bands of Oklahoma are in Melbourne, Australia, to gauge prospects of a performance in Victoria. Melbourne is an interesting city. Taxi drivers have no idea where they're going, for one thing. Today a cab went the opposite direction of my destination -- refusing to use the GPS system to find a location he clearly had no idea where it was; 'it's my second day,' he explained. Finally had to exit, flag down another taxi, get his map and direct him -- practically block by block -- to reach a fairly well known neighborhood.

Last time here, I saw a dead kangaroo on the road to the airport.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Melbourne, Australia