FBO: 'Celebrates State-to-State Tension'

DETEST THY NEIGHBOR
FBO's yet-to-be-publicized pet project of late is a mass campaign to expand the state of Delaware to include presently Maryland's Eastern Shore, which -- by all accounts, looking at a map or talking with a handful of Delawareans -- is 'Rightful Delaware.' Delaware actually was once part of Pennsylvania, and seceded while Lord Baltimore and Mr Penn bickered about where the state line between the two states were. Eventually, a couple British blokes -- a Mason and a Dixon -- were employed to draw the line (aka the Mason-Dixon line), which cut directly south along Delaware's western border, making our nation's first state Delaware the only one to reside EAST of the Mason-Dixon line.

--> What's to be noted here is that two states' tensions and sour relationships, in a way, led to a state in itself. The FBO sees such tension as analogous to failed bands' ongoing plights amidst the predictable derision, sarcasm and negativity from sideline watchers or non-failed bands.

While FBO Admin continues to work on the ploy for 'Rightful Delaware,' it's worth nothing the FIVE MOST INTRIGUING STATE/STATE RELATIONSHIPS:

North Dakota & South Dakota We love this one. Republican party in 1889 sliced this territory into north and south halves to gain extra representation in congress. Over the years, however, rivalry and distrust developed. Roads usually linked the states east and west, not toward each other. North Dakota feels more tied with Minnesota, South Dakota with Iowa. Occasionally North Dakota floats the idea of changing its name to just 'Dakota' -- 'for fun' one governor said -- outraging South Dakota with the tenacity. FBO formerly applauds the state of North Dakota and sides with North Dakota's punkish attitude towards its southerly neighbor, something Oklahoma knows something about.

Maryland & West Virgina, Maryland & Delaware, Maryland & Pennsylvania
Maryland gets the FBO award for craftiest-devil state. Take a look at it, and note how its western extremities nearly end around the Cumberland Gap, then re-emerge to steal some of former Virginia, and now West Virginia. Meanwhile, there's the aforementioned Mason-Dixon tensions with Pennsylania, and the absolute robbery of Rightful Delaware. The FBO puts Maryland on a 'watchlist' with potentional banning being considered.

Vermont & New Hampshire Like stalagmites and stalactites, no one remembers which one of these small, pointy states in New England is which (Vermont is to the left, in more ways than one). One votes Republican, the other is a BYOB (bring your own bong) bastion of liberal America.

Michigan & Wisconsin No! We are not amused by Michigan's violation -- that severed, irrational 'UP' upper peninsula thing. It's clearly Wisconsin and the FBO wants you to give it back.

Oklahoma & Texas Oklahoma's panhandle exists because Texas wanted slaves. Following the Compromise of 1850 (which prohibited slavery north of the panhandle's present southern border), Texas just sliced the liberated patch of land, which eventually became the least-heralded part of Oklahoma.

The FBO welcomes your votes for most intriguing state-to-state relationships.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Postpones Panhandle Concert'

CONCERT POSTPONED
Despite fevered anxiety on part of FBO's members and FBO's fans, the first-ever Failed Bands of Oklahoma 'Tribute to Failure' concert/event, scheduled for next month in the Oklahoma Panhandle, is -- with reluctance -- being postponed to May 2007. 'Willingness is not a problem,' explains FBO 001's Robert Reid. 'We just need a little more time to get everything in place...'

Listen to the official announcement:

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Adopts the Fleshtones'

Most bands can easily highlight a few events -- a CD, a show, an on-stage vomitting -- as the stand-out highlights of a band's life past or in progress. For FBO #001 Tall Tales, usual candidates include an unlikely road trip to play two remarkable shows in Greencastle, Indiana; and opening for the Fleshtones on March 21, 1989 at Oklahoma City's Blue Note.

Last Sunday in Brooklyn was the 'Atlantic Antic,' New York's best of an endless list of street festivals, when a mile of the big boulevard gets filled with food stands, stages, stands promoting politics or selling ironic t-shirts. Last weekend is typical. At one area the Museum of Transit set out a dozen old buses -- some 80 years old -- for people to walk through; nearby a Brazilian drum group played. Up the street was a belly dancer playing to old guys playing Middle Eastern music, a John Lennon-lookalike fronted a loud garage band, with two go-go dancers standing on speakers, a zany marching band played an Eastern European-styled song with much stop and shouting, and Tall Tales' old boss, the Fleshtones, blared through a 50-minute set next to a Spanish food stand.

The Fleshtones, in their 50s, are playing better, more inspired, more fun that practically any one, certainly classic bands like the Rolling Stones (whom the FBO have asked for an apology). Throughout, FT singer Peter Zaremba -- still with a flop cut and a goofy grin as if he's getting away with something -- spun around between phrasings, while the bass and guitar players did kicks in the air. During the last song, 'Push Up Man' (from their 2005 record Beachhead) those three jumped off stage onto the street, handing out the bass and guitar to whomever would take them.

As the drum beat continued, the three Tones cleared a pit and picked people to do push-ups. At one point, they locked with five fans in a wall and 'pushed' their way through the crowd. Then jumped back on stage to finish the furious stream of joy.

--> The FBO officially adopts the Fleshtones.



FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Adopts Temporary Mascot: Injured Squirrels'

The FBO is not shy to adopt places temporary headquarters (eg Istanbul, Los Angeles, Székelyudvarhely) or regions as pet venues (Oklahoma panhandle), but now -- following a poorly argued response from FBO's top fan Rich Trott to a recent post that put him in the FBO penalty box for the second time -- the FBO has found a temporary mascot: the injured squirrel.

Find out more about injured squirrels here.

-->The FBO accepts suggested names for its injured squirrel mascot.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Terry Waska Gets One Get-Out-Of-Penalty-Box Card'

The FBO's ongoing efforts to recruit new failed bands to add to its steady membership of four recently got a boost, with thought-out, time-consuming research -- MySpace links of a few failed bands from Oklahoma -- from Terry Waska, member of FBO's Asylum. For his efforts Terry receives on free 'Get-Out-Of-Penalty-Box' card to be used at a future mishap of his choosing.

Thanks Terry.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Ban Against North Carolina'

FBO Admin recently purchased a small cup of Starbucks coffee from the first Starbucks ever, in Pike Place Market in Seattle, WA. Outside, three haggardly guys with Neil Young 1971 hairstyles played Neil's 'Heartless' -- the spoon player throwing down his spoons in faux angst at the end of the unexplosive tune. Inside teams of tourists eyed Starbucks merchandise. Receiving coin change from the overly friendly cash attendant, FBO Admin noticed a 'North Carolina quarter' -- branded 'FIRST IN FLIGHT' and showing bald Ohioan Wilbur Wright (shown below) watching his Ohioan brother fly the Ohio-made aircraft on December 17, 1903.

Enough already, Carolina! One wonders, who exactly is 'first in flight' here? An Ohioan made and flew an Ohio-material aircraft. Either way, for North Carolina to emblazen their one-shot at coin immortality with Ohioans is a missed opportunity. It's like having the Rolling Stones putting George Harrison's 'Bangladish concert' set on the cover of their '40 Licks' greatest-hits package, and a photo of a bong Steve Stevens, of Billy Idol's band, made in 'shop' in 12th grade. C'mon!

FBO, thus, recommends, banning travel or commercial trade with North Carolina until they come up with a more creative and apt slogan for their beautiful state. To distance itself from its northerly cousin (who tries to lump the states together with the poorly uniformed 'Carolina' Panthers, based in Charlotte, NC), the FBO recommends that South Carolina change its name.

--> Please give us your suggestions for South Carolina's new name, which will be forwarded to South Carolinian authorities.

It is worth pointing out that Mack Brown, coach of the Texas Longhorns, once coached at North Carolina. His #2 team hosts #1 Ohio State this Saturday. You can be sure Wright descendants and Kitty Hawk's chamber of commerce will be watching this game CLOSELY.

Prediction: Texas 27, tOSU 20. There is no justice on the gridiron pitch.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Did Lou Reed Punch a Squirrel?'

The best lyrics are lyrics that mystify. In Lou Reed's immortal, and unknown, 'Bottoming Out' from his Legendary Hearts album from 1983, the singing character has problems. Rather than beating up a significant other, he takes off to punish the asphalt with his motorcycle tread. At one curve, drunk, disaster strikes.

Lou sings:

'I'm cruising fast on a motorcycle down this winding country road... And I pass the gravel on the foot of the hill where last week I fell off... There's still some oil by the old elm tree, and a dead squirrel that I hit... But if I hadn't left, I would've struck you dead, so I took a ride instead'


Lou/character confides that he hit 'a dead squirrel,' which prompts questioning and reflection by careful listeners. The lyrics suggest that Lou/character hit an already dead squirrel with his motorcycle, not an alive one. He may have 'hit' it with his tires, or -- more likely -- he wrecked (thus the 'oil by the old elm tree') THEN noticed a dead squirrel which he, in a state of angst, punched with his fist.

Bob Dylan's album, just out, contains another great morsel of confusion. The lead-off 'Thunder on the Mountain' features the following in its second verse:

'I was thinkin' 'bout Alicia Keys, couldn't keep from crying... When she was born in Hell's Kitchen, I was living down the line.
I'm wondering where in the world Alicia Keys could be... I been looking for her even clear through Tennessee'

It's humorous, inventive and misguided. Ms Keys actually was born in Harlem, but raised in Hell's Kitchen. She's never lived in Tennessee. Bob did the math and noted he was living downtown when Ms Keys was born way uptown. But why bring it up in the second stanza of your first studio album since 9/11? The inclusion of Ms Keys, paired with Tennessee, in lyric deserves something. So the FBO awards Bob Dylan a 'Ribbon for Confusion Lyrical Merit'.

POLL QUESTION: Do you think Lou Reed punched a dead squirrel, ran over a dead squirrel or ran over a live squirrel that died shortly thereafter?


FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Seattle, WA