FBO: 'Hepburn, Family Banned.. Until Apology Made to State of Oklahoma'

"I think most of the people involved in any art always secretly wonder whether they are really there because they're good -- or because they're lucky."
-- Katharine Hepburn

--> Tssk! --> Hypocrisy!! -->Bullcrap!!!

THROW OUT your DVD copy of The Philadelphia Story, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? and On Golden Pond. Do it now.

Actress Katharine Hepburn (who died in 2003 at 96) hated Oklahoma and Oklahoma failed bands with a schoolgirls' foot-stomping passion, as testified in The New York Times today. A story on notes from her largely failed career in theater included this chestnut:

"If I ever found an Oklahoma car in Connecticut, I would flatten all the tires."

Why? Because driving from Tulsa to Wichita she was pulled over for speeding (which is against the law). A celebrity all her life -- and rich before that -- Hepburn apparently believes she has different rules than anyone else. The police officer involved was called a "moron" to a judge in Blackwell, Oklahoma.

I've been pulled over a few times in Oklahoma. Once was on a drive through the panhandle to New Mexico. I was driving maybe 70 in a 55. The officer was looking at my driver's license when his walkie talkie belted out 'there's a hound lose near the Wilson's.' He politely excused himself, asked me to slow down and let me go.

Kath was fine to protest her ticket (and arrest) if she felt she was justified. But to lash out at Oklahomans -- say a Dust Bowl emigre searching for work -- for her indiscretion is like the FBO BANNING ALL KATHARINE HEPBURN FAMILY MEMBERS FROM USING THIS SITE.

And, in the spirit of the day, the FBO BANS ALL KATHARINE KEPBURN FAMILY MEMBERS FROM USING THIS SITE.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'What Becomes England the Most?'

The NFL staged the first-ever regular season game out of these continental United States yesterday. The 0-8 Miami Dolphins 'hosted' the New York Giants in a sludgy game where players slipped on the muddy Wembley Stadium pitch as if it were covered in ice. The Giants won 13-10 in an unthrilling game for fans in assorted football jerseys. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said the game could have 'sold out nine times over,' based on demand. Perhaps the 26-foot Jason Taylor robot in Trafalgar Square helped.

What disturbed the Failed Bands of Oklahoma is how little the NFL let the game be a 'two-way': the UK getting to watch a NFL game first hand, and NFL viewers seeing more about their friends across the Atlantic. So little of the game was devoted to London -- live shots of a Tube sign, the Parliament building, the Eye (ferris wheel) on the Thames. There were no in-game interviews with accented NFL fans, or clueless locals outside making comical questions about football. Missed opportunity.

Also, Fox, who broadcast the game, accented some of the commercial breaks with 'local flavor,' some songs by English performers. Their soundtrack of choice is generally questionable:

1. Wang Chung, 'Dance Hall Days' * What?
2. Rod Stewart, 'Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?' ** Scot born footballer recorded this in LA.
3. The Jam, 'Start!' ***** shocking choice, very British
4. Madness, 'One Step Beyond' *** The video was so English, but a bit obvious.
5. Warren Zevon, 'Werewolves in London' * Chicagoan, but hey he says London in it
6. Pretenders, 'Middle of the Road' * C Hynde got the band together with Londonies, but she's Ohio all the way.
7. Police, 'Every Little Thing She Does is Magic' ** Remember the video shot in the Caribbean?
8. The Jam, 'Town Called Malice' *****

Huge oversights by the Fox pundits:

1. The Clash, 'London Calling' - It's obvious and very London.
2. The Kinks -- anything.
3. Oasis, 'Wonderwall' -- yes they get mocked, but the Brit attitude and accent is all over it.
4. Sex Pistols, 'God Save the Queen'
5. Paul McCartney 'Mull of Kintyre' or get a deal with him for payola to play new single
6. The Who, 'Substitute'
7. Rolling Stones, 'Under My Thumb' or 'She's Like a Rainbow'

The FBO invites your suggestions for overlooked English/British bands/performers that Fox SHOULD HAVE USED for their game broadcast. The submission will be sent -- with an angry tone -- to Fox in a few days.


FBO-INSPIRED TWO-POINT CONVERSION GUIDEBOOK
In other football-related news, the FBO-inspired blog Loser of the Week at BleacherBloggers.com released a 'guidebook' to determining when to make two-point conversion attempts. See it here.


Failed Bands of Oklahoma
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Friday's Thought on Failure'

FBO TRIBUTES FAILURE, DEEPAK SEETHI

AT&T's Deepak Seethi believes failure predicates succeess. He says, "If you give people freedom to innovate, the freedom to experiment, the freedom to succeed, then you must also give them the freedom to fail. The organization of tomorrow will demand mistakes and failures. It is only by trying lots of initiatives that we can improve our chances that one of them will be a star."

THE FBO AWARDS DEEPAK SEETHI THE 'FBO VISIONARY RIBBON'

Read full article here.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Sax Project with The Who'

THE FAILED BANDS OF OKLAHOMA & THE WHO RELEASE SONG

Following the massive outpouring of interest of the FBO's launch of 'Sax Solo of the Week,' FBO HQ received a call from Kenney Jessejames Jones, ex-drummer of the Who, to collaborate on a single with the Who -- a version of the 1980 classic 'You Better You Bet' with saxophones.

The Failed Bands of Oklahoma triumph such collaborations -- between the highly successful and the unsuccessful. Though the FBO would prefer creating new songs -- as opposed to rehashing the familiar (as with movie sequels, bio-pics and remakes -- all of which are banned by the FBO), but will grant the public a few songs as a 'transition' towards successful/failed collaborations of new, original projects in coming months.


Click below to listen to The Failed Bands of Oklahoma (Featuring the Who)'s version of 'You Better You Bet.'

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Sax Solo of the Week: True'

JUST WAIT UNTIL THE SAX COMES IN...
Some songs only earn their 99-cent worthiness for the sax solo. The Failed Bands of Oklahoma tribute the best.


New Romantics with aggressively side-parted haircuts, fringed flannel shirts or pastel suits, England's Spandau Ballet were named for Nazi war criminals' jerking bodies after being hanged in Spandau, a Berlin borough. The opening 'uhh huh huh uhh' back-ups of their biggest hit 'True' may very well be the sissiest moment of any of the 'English wimp bands' of the early MTV generation, as Ted Nugent called them.

The protagonist of the song -- which was written by the band's guitarist -- finds it hard to 'write the next line.' And, like Meatloaf's 'I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That'), what exactly IS 'true' is never really said. Most curiously, the singer is 'listening to Marvin (all night long)' and likens the Motown king (Marvin Gaye) to the 'sound of my soul.' That takes guts for a couple stiff musicians with money from England.

Actually there's little soul in a song like this. With overly careful guitar flicks striping the beats like wafts of air-conditioning over the already chilled. The song, however, does make a step forward as the sax comes in, peppering the beat with a patient, faintly Stonesy grace, backed with more unconvincing lite funk guitars and fake orchestration that may have had Lou Reed's 'Walk on the Wild Side' in mind.

The sax solo comes in at the three-minute mark.

Have a listen to FBO's Sax Solo of the Week: Spandau Ballet's award-winning 'True'

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Free USA Today mp3 Download of the Week'

UNMANNED AIRCRAFT SLAMS INTO HILL NEAR HOMES



FBO fans near Nogales already know the story, but the rest can click the following link to hear the FBO's 76-second USA Today mp3: NTSB Finds Operator Errors in Drone Crash.


Or read the article.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'The City that Hates You (Part One); aka Stern Warning to New York City's Airports for Self-Absorbed Ground Transport Fares'

Seeking out cultural diversions, and trying to garner press coverage for failed bands, has led the Failed Bands of Oklahoma semi-permanent headquarters to be moved to the middle of the media-world: New York City. But press trips, on behalf of failed bands, is starting to add up. And the FBO has sighted the problem: extortionate and unfair ground transport fares to reach NYC's three airports -- JFK and La Guardia in Queens, and particularly in Newark in New Jersey.

No major city on earth charges worse fares to reach their airports than Newark charges New Yorkers to reach its airport.

A dozen miles west of Midtown, the AirTrain link charges $15 per person for the 20-minute trip. It's priced to punish airport goers. If you get off at the station before the airport, it's only $4 one way; if you exit one station after the airport it's $5.50. Clearly the pricing punishes Manhattanites wanting to give a little tax money to their neighbor New Jersey by flying out of Newark.

THE FBO BANS THE NEWARK AIRPORT

JFK, the international airport in Jamaica, Queens, is not much better. Until a highly costly 'improvemnent,' of adding an AirTransit train between the airport's eight terminals, it was possible to subway from Manhattan to the airport for $2. Now subway riders -- taking the heart-breaking 75-minute ride to the airport parking lot, must shell out another $5 to transfer to the free airport transport to reach their gate.

Like Moscow, La Guardia -- also in Queens -- has no direct rail/subway link with the airport, despite being closer to Manhattan than any airport!

THE FBO PUTS QUEENS AIRPORTS ON A MONITORED WATCH LIST

How does this compare with world airports? Not well. In Tokyo, passengers can make the 40-mile trip to Narita on a Keikyu train for $4. In London, just how on the tube for the 15-mile trip to Heathrow ($8 one way). Paris' commuter train -- the RER -- charges $11.50 for the trip. Moscow's airport is severed from Red Square by any rail/subway links, but you can bus to the nearby subway then subway in for about $5. San Francisco's airport is reached directly by its BART commuter train -- about $5.

Unless New York City revisits this problem, the FBO will consider relocating its semi-permanent headquarters.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ

FBO: 'FBO-inspired Blog Takes on Dickens'

THIS WEEK'S WEEKLY LOSER OF THE WEEK

Why long-haired men with ponytails tend to win the game, and ones without tend to get decapitated.





FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Offers New Service: USA Today MP3 Downloads'

WHO HAS TIME TO READ THE PAPER?

This week the Failed Bands of Oklahoma (FBO) have launched a new free service for its website: free mp3 downloads of selected USA Today articles to hear on iPods or on car stereos.

The first 'trial' offer is Boeing Delays Delivery of 787, by staff writer Marilyn Adams.

Download the USA Today MP3.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Working for the Sushi Line'

"Everyone's hoping it'll all work out
Everyone's waiting, they're holding out
---Mike Reno, Loverboy (1980)

FBO member Robert Reid's following theory has been quoted on the blog Killing Batteries:

“I have a theory that all humans are born with the right to live at or above ‘the sushi line,’ meaning you have the means to go and get sushi whenever the desire arises. Not every day. But when the occasion comes up, you don’t have to count pennies. Just go, eat, enjoy, get the green-tea ice cream. Write a poem, relax. Next day ramen will be fine.” --R Reid

To quote Pete Townshend, this is true. Speaking in terms of the USA, but eyeing all nations, no human willing to work 40 hours a week should live under this. Meaning, no human should walk past a sushi place, wide-eyed and full of envy, but not consider going in.

A good sushi meal costs about $50 to $80 per person.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Two Heats Beat as One, and Other U2 Songs for the Bolivian Political Heart'

Lost in the news the past few weeks is that thousands of Bolivians are engaged in a tense fight over what city in their country is capital. Currently split, on paper, between La Paz (the world's highest capital; a city of a million in the mountains) and Sucre (the traditional capital, which lost the executive and legislative duties following a civil war in 1899) in the central plains.

Bolivia, one of two South American land-locked countries, also has a navy.

As tempting as it is to laugh at Bolivia's current woes, the situation is potentially serious. According to The New York Times, a million have protested vehemently in La Paz against Sucre's cause to shift everything gradually back from La Paz. And tens of thousands of protestors marched into Sucre, where thousands more engaged in hunger strikes to get the courts (still located in Sucre) to hear their plea. Embedded in the tension is race -- the newby Bolivian president is, famously, an Indian llama herder, and Sucre's mayor depicts him outside his office as a Nazi officer.

The FBO has an idea: follow the Netherlands.

While the Hague is home to the Dutch government, the nation refers to Amsterdam as its capital. It's confusing a bit, but so is Bolivia. Why not allow La Paz to keep the bulk of the government and president and embassies, but uniformly call Sucre the 'capital' (as a sign already reads in its airport 'Welcome to the Capital of Bolivia')? And who says capital = government anyway?

Sucre gets the lone star on the map, La Paz keeps the government function in a cash-poor nation without the means to move suit-and-ties half way across the plains anyway. No one gets hurt, and La Paz can soften the sting by knowing that Sucre will look a bit babyish to many outsiders.

Until the situation simmers down, the FBO cannot consider adopting Sucre, but privately very much wants to.

--> Meanwhile, go HERE to see the FBO-inspired column 'Loser of the Week.'


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY (the capital of New York City)

FBO: 'Rock Hall of Fame -- Not Getting It'

THE HALL IS BANNED FOR FBO MEMBERS & FANS
Following the FBO's call for certain bands to be included in Cleveland's Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame 2008 list, which farms off induction ceremonies to New York. The list includes Madonna, the Beastie Boys and FBO-endorsed John Mellencamp (thanks for listening to the FBO), as well as Leonard Cohen, Chic (who had about four songs), Afrika Bambaataa, the Ventures (who had about three songs), Donna Summer (who's homophobic and had four songs) and Dave Clark (who had two songs, neither good).

Previously the FBO didn't criticize the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame for missing the most glaring omission of this band, as this year is the first they were elgible to join: SONIC YOUTH, whose first full-length record came out 25 years ago next year.

The 'Sonic Youth sound' -- a mix of dissonant tunings and feedback -- is instantly recognized and has never dated, unlike REM, Madonna or 'Harlem Shuffle.' Of all the bands above, only Madonna or the Boys could be potentially more influential. And none as creative or consistent. No 'alt rock' band worth any merit can't put at least a pie-slice chunk of their due to SY albums like Daydream Nation.

The Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame is banned for the next six months.

They will be contacted.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Caveman Is/Isn't Funny'

With more sequels coming to movie theaters near you, the FBO HQ was intrigued with the Geico 'Caveman' commercial moved over to an ABC series. That it is rambling at 3mph out of the gate -- and will surely see its expiry date come by week three at the latest -- doesn't take away from the intriguing commercial.

THE COMMERCIAL WAS FUNNY

The commercial is brilliant because of the portrayal of the principal ever-miffed caveman by Kansan John Lehr (pictured), AND because of the proxy racism/bigotry/homophobia he endures from self-righteous 'sapes' (homo sapiens) at therapy sessions, apology luncheons or TV forums. Despite his neanderthal make-up, Lehr plays it straight, with world-weary, jaded exasperation. Something missed, it seems, on the ABC series, which debuted an hour ago.

On the show, Lehr is relegated to a cameo role, as squash-player Maurice. Instead the show follows three roommate cavemen who live metrosexual, yuppie lives. One uses Wikipedia to research a dissertation and mocks a cafe for all the 'pretensious losers' there, another buys a Wii to get over a failed relationship and is prone to self-pitying soundtrack of James Blunt. We are invited to laugh at the irony of neanderthals living the hum-drum urban hipster-with-trust-fund life. So far it's not funny. Something is missing.

The ad was funny because it played so well against the political correctness. Similarly, in the beef-jerky Sasquatch commercials running now, 30-year-old friends-since-childhood re-stage practical jokes on the mythical Bigfoot. That they get their come-uppance with slapped fish on the face or a forest-toss is mildly humorous. More so is their initial reaction to finding something different, new, unique, historic -- they mock it. It's immediately fodder for high-fives and pranks.

Though the FBO emphasize with the mocked and overlooked, it cannot endorse the show. Feel free to watch -- it is not banned, but it not adopted either.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Loser of the Week'

Something that can be read is here.