FBO: 'Bishop Allen Calls Oklahoma Unwanted Yet Inspiring'

Bishop Allen is sort of a non-failed Oklahoma band, one that's based in Brooklyn anyway. They have cute songs, quite precious enough to get them a cameo in last year's film Nick & Nora's Playlist. On their new album Grrr..., the lyrics of one song 'Oklahoma' compare the panhandle state to some girl's eyes.

Why?

Justin Rice (not pictured) told You Ain't No Picasso in a little interview that Oklahoma is a 'big, flat scrubby unwanted place. But the sky is tremendous and there's something about it that feels kind of raw and inspiring in a way; but also overlooked.'

That seems fair enough.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Trying to Like REM Again: A Tri-Week Journey (Part 2)'

Examples of Pete Buck's guitar styles:
* (J) "Sitting Still," "Driver 8," "Fall on Me," "Shiny Happy People"
* (OSL) "These Days," "Pretty Persuasion" (plus a bit of J)
* (FSN) all those dissonant outros live, debatably stuff like "Feeling Gravity's Pull" or "Finest Worksong"
* (FAERO) the terrible "Monster album"

Examples of Michael Stipe's lyric themes:
* (C&K) Pretty much everything that's hard to understand
* (G&K) The wink-wink lyrics that you're not supposed to say if you're artful, but are artful because Stipe sings them: "Stand," "Shiny Happy People," "Man on the Moon" ("goofing on Elvis"), "Pop Song 89" (hi, hi, hi), debatably the pre-Joel "It's the End of the World"
* (L&NK) You know, when he seems to mean it too much or the soarers, eg the most-mocked song of all time "Everybody Hurts," "The One I Love"

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Trying to Like REM Again: A Tri-Week Journey (Part 1)'

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Hepburn, Family Banned.. Until Apology Made to State of Oklahoma'

"I think most of the people involved in any art always secretly wonder whether they are really there because they're good -- or because they're lucky."
-- Katharine Hepburn

--> Tssk! --> Hypocrisy!! -->Bullcrap!!!

THROW OUT your DVD copy of The Philadelphia Story, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? and On Golden Pond. Do it now.

Actress Katharine Hepburn (who died in 2003 at 96) hated Oklahoma and Oklahoma failed bands with a schoolgirls' foot-stomping passion, as testified in The New York Times today. A story on notes from her largely failed career in theater included this chestnut:

"If I ever found an Oklahoma car in Connecticut, I would flatten all the tires."

Why? Because driving from Tulsa to Wichita she was pulled over for speeding (which is against the law). A celebrity all her life -- and rich before that -- Hepburn apparently believes she has different rules than anyone else. The police officer involved was called a "moron" to a judge in Blackwell, Oklahoma.

I've been pulled over a few times in Oklahoma. Once was on a drive through the panhandle to New Mexico. I was driving maybe 70 in a 55. The officer was looking at my driver's license when his walkie talkie belted out 'there's a hound lose near the Wilson's.' He politely excused himself, asked me to slow down and let me go.

Kath was fine to protest her ticket (and arrest) if she felt she was justified. But to lash out at Oklahomans -- say a Dust Bowl emigre searching for work -- for her indiscretion is like the FBO BANNING ALL KATHARINE HEPBURN FAMILY MEMBERS FROM USING THIS SITE.

And, in the spirit of the day, the FBO BANS ALL KATHARINE KEPBURN FAMILY MEMBERS FROM USING THIS SITE.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Tourism Comes to Oklahoma'

ARE YOU READY?
It is not escaped the FBO's attention that 2007 is a special year for Oklahoma. On November 16, Oklahoma -- the best shaped state in these United States -- turns 100. It's expected the panhandle state, so nicknamed for the FBO-adopted panhandle, will see a 'bump up' in tourism. Something that all Oklahomans need to brace for.

Meanwhile, the Failed Bands of Oklahoma would like to welcome visitors from other states, provinces and countries -- and particularly hopes that participants and fans of failed bands will take the time to visit Oklahoma's attractions. Three of our favorite attractions/events for this year include: Boley Rodeo, an African-American rodeo southwest of Tulsa (May 26-27); the Oklahoma Centennial Gala/Spectacular (Nov 22, Oklahoma City), which we feel FBO should have an inclusion; and the Price Tower (www.pricetower.org), a Frank Lloyd Wright 'skyscraper' in Bartlesville that's now a hotel.

The FBO will be soon contacting The Oklahoma Centennial Gala/Spectacular to seek an invitation for FBO members at the statehood gala. More to come...

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY


PS -- Photos of tourism are from Tulum, Mexico; a Vladivostok, Russia, ferry dock; and Cu Chi Tunnels, Vietnam.

FBO: ´Football Banner Flies O'er Mexico'

A day ago FBO Admin squeezed into the back of a combi van that passed signs signaling Zapatista-run territories on the way to visit Tonina Mayan ruins. At least a couple of the co-horts in the back spoke Spanish poorly if at all -- Tzotzil was more their thing. Today, in touristy Playa del Carmen, FBO Admin found himself during the fourth quarter of the Colts-Patriots AFC championship game, sitting next to a man in a Chicago Bears cap, hoarse cackle from a life of smoking. 'I am Captain Ron. I own this place. Born and raised in Chicago', motions to cap, 'Been here for 10 years. Bought this for $30,000, now it's worth $400,000.' Hanging out were an assorted of 50-something Americans, here to forget about work for a few days, and to lather in the Jimmy Buffet world that Captain Ron lays out for them. 'See? I knew the Colts would win,' he said jabbing fun at a Patriot Buffet fan. 'Been good watching with you,' he said shaking my hand as I left. 'I am Captain Ron.'

Football is everywhere here, it seems. American football. As shown with one of the greatest photographs taken in the 21st century, procured exlusively for FBO by FBO Admin. Taken on the night of the BCS National Championship, betwixt Florida and Ohio State over a week ago, two moustached men, BOTH named Pepe, gave their stoic pre-game analysis of a college game that few locals would know anything about. It was broadcast on the Mexican Fox Sports to the entire nation of 108 million.

Spreading knowledge and promoting the failed,

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Palenque, Mexico

FBO: 'Is it OK to Watch Apocalypto?'

Mel Gibson may be a anti-Semitic, drunken loon, but it's hard to overlook the merit of his latest film epic, complete with torture and decapitations and face-eating jaguars: "Apocalypto." Consider this: here in the mobile HQ of Merida, the central plaza is lined with 16th-century buildings made from conquistador-wreckage of five Mayan pyramids -- the Spanish city itself is all older than New York City, yet only a mere newcomer to the city that once rested here from 600AD. Mayan civilization -- with cities of tens of thousands, bigger than Paris or London of its time -- is one of the Americas' finest cultural achievements. And until Mel Gibson got around to it, no one in Hollywood had bothered to touch on it before.

While some of the pre-release banter in the press has claimed some Mayanists are upset with the film -- 'too violent,' 'sacrifices are an exaggeration.' This is mere backlash to Mel the person, not the film. One quote was from someone who had only seen the trailer. Here in Merida, the film is still not released, and I'd love to sit in it with a Mexican audience. Mel being Mel, it's filmed in Yucatec language -- language, not a dialect as some articles claim -- and used no known actors. It's a story of a pre-European American civilization -- the Spanish, with a glaring priest glaring at pagans from a boat -- only appear in the final scene. This from Hollywood, which unravels yet another Rocky film -- what's next Three's Company with Steve Carrell? (Not a bad idea actually.)

Here in Mexico you see Maya cities everywhere -- Chichen Itza near Cancun, Uxmal outside Merida, or Palenque deeper in the jungle. You can wander past some overly renovated sites, even climb a few. Mel's film shows a representation of what it MIGHT have looked like. Slaves sold, slaves coaked in lime powder to build the stones for the pyramids, priests in ornate garb, everyone with multiple piercings, turquoise tattoos. Decapitated heads rolling down the steps of pyramids painted red.

This is Hollywood? Count the FBO in. The FBO is not a fan of Mel Gibson the man, but applauds the film.

In other news, the FBO is surveying potential failed bands of Mexico's Yucatan and Chiapas. So far, it's a no go.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Merida, Mexico

* All photographs taken today at Labna, Kabah and Uxmal sites. The red hand print is supposedly from a Mayan worker at least half a millenium ago.

FBO: 'Best Songs of 2006'

Bob Dylan 'Nettie Moore' Dylan's new Modern Times went #1 and, in this dollar-downloads world, it's hard to pick any song over the other, but the seven-minute 'Nettie' sums up the album's gist -- 'I'm beginning to believe what the scriptures tell' -- and for basing the barebone verse on a unique take of 'four on the floor.' Lots of air and silence around the gruff voice. People forget how much Bob is doing to replay old blues in newly pertinent ways these recent years. And from a white guy without a goatee!

Deerhoof '81+' Perhaps it's a nod to the Rolling Stones' last great year -- or the life following MTV's inauguration -- but Deerhoof's little EP opener, out just a few days before Christmas, gets the now three-piece of spastic start-and-stop rock, with hilariously trumpets peppering various points and child-like vocals (sample lyrics: 'shopping shoppers,' 'joo joo joo joo, beep beep'), a slot in the best of '06.

Califone 'A Chinese Actor' If Today's Huck Finn made a Wilco tribute band, Califone might be what it'd sound like. Dreamy but crusted, Califone's little folk songs are made by guys a heck of a lot nicer and less self-absorbed than a certain Wilco member, guitars get fuzzy and lots of sounds fill the big space they allow each.

Cat Power 'Willie' Cat used to drink a lot, and the effects of last year's breakdown are still evident from unpredictable shows -- a few months ago I saw her sing 'I'm crazy, I'm crazy' a-cappella as the curtain closed on her at a NYC show -- but 'The Greatest' is her best album. Backed by Al Green's former band, it's less indie rock and more VH-1. A highlight amongst several is 'Willie.'

Yeah Yeah Yeahs 'Cheated Hearts' If Joey Ramone and Chrissie Hynde had a kid it'd be Karen O, lead singer and lead fashion-head of the tri-Ys. Somehow their guitar and drum sounds fuller than the White Stripes (overdubs help), and Karen's sense of Pretty Pinky 80s melodies, like this one, ensures unbashful swaying and head-bops at indie-rock concerts for years to come.

I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness 'When You Go Out' Sure the FBO can be hip. The disco beat of ILBICD is forgiveable for the Edge/Robert Smith/Ultravox guitar parlay of this bouncy three-minute single. It'll be forgotten by late 2007, but -- hey -- 2006 was only yesterday.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Listening to James Brown'

We so often forget to tribute the greats until they die. James Brown's catalog of music is likely going to see a bump in sales following his Christmas Day death at 73, but probably for the wrong songs. James, these days, seems best known for his early 1960s haircut and songs like 'I Got You (I Feel Good)' and his landmark live album Live at the Apollo recorded in 1962. But he got more interesting as the '70s began, with Bootsy Collins on bass and deep-voiced back-up vocalist Bobby Byrd to echo his points ('that's right', 'yeah!,' 'keep on singing') in songs that regularly passed the eight-minute mark. The key was horn-accented, bass-driven grooves that had no particular parts -- songs could as easily end three minutes as 10 minutes.

If you're looking for some dollar JB downloads to tribute the 'godfather of soul' check out these, only one of which makes his 20 All-Time Greatest Hits CD:

Get Up, Get Into It & Get Involved Best call-and-response and guitar/horn interplay of all time. All seven minutes... gold.
Talkin' Loud & Sayin' Nothing Listen for his response when the band follows his instruction: 'Stop! ...that was good!'
Soul Power Everyone is doing their own thing and it works.
The Payback Enter the wah wah.

And if you don't have it, you must have this hit:

Get Up (I Feel Like Being a) Sex Machine

I never saw James Brown live, but visiting Trump Hotel near Central Park last year, a sudden stir came across the gaudy all-gold lobby, and in came The Man. There was no mistaking him. In a full red suit, hair primped into its famous wave, sun glasses on, and quick boot-heel clicks on the marble floor. The entourage stuffed into a gold elevator and up to a gold suite. Today James Brown's body was on view, in a golden casket, in the Apollo Theater in Harlem. He arrived in a horse-driven wagon along 125th St, where thousands of fans came to pay their respects. One last grand entourage. I really should have gone to see it.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Tributes the Perpendicular Rocker'

LET'S START ROCKING IN AMERICA.. CORRECTLY

The FBO are exhausted at the lack of inventiveness it's seeing on rock stages of the non-failed and failed rock world. Rolling into Stillwater, for example, a band unloads equipment, and then -- without thought -- set up drums center stage, toward back.

In a word: no.

Night Ranger's exceptionably talented Kelly Keagy receives a retroactive FBO Ribbon of Choreographical Merit for setting up his drums differently. Whether backing Jack Blades on 'Don't Tell Me You Love Me' or pouring a bit too much emotion on the never-caught-on catch phrase of 'you're motoring, mo-to-ring' with fist pumps at the end of the bombastic 'Sister Christian,' Kelly does it like you want him to: PERPENDICULARLY, at the SIDE OF THE STAGE, drum set pointed inward toward the chest-bearing rhythm-guitar prowess of Jeff Watson, allowing the crowd full site of his skin-pounding chops and forehead-perspiration below a tuffle of frizzy hair:



Kelly also deserves special praise for his daringness in concert attire, as the following photo (taken in St Louis in 2000) attests:



Night Ranger deserves praise for meaning what they do -- no matter how misguided -- and for creative stage design. I saw them -- with Ratt opening -- in 1985 and was so impressed that I bought a white muscle t-shirt with the 'Midnight Madness' cover on it. Time passes though and Night Ranger, these days, add considerable strength to the age-old argument that San Francisco may be rock'n'roll's worst rock'n'roll city (Starship, Santana, Huey, G-Dead, Steve Miller, Night Ranger are among the 'highlights').

Night Ranger, Kelly... we just want to thank you.

Props also to photography by Ellen Kozisek (www.geocities.com/rainbow2/NR).

Let's all make 2007 a PERPENDICULAR YEAR!

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Contemplates NFL Helmets'

WHAT PRICE WOULD YOU BESEAK FAILURE?
In the last 15 years we've seen a few things where unforgiveable acts have led to success from previously failed franchises of the National Football League. Consider this:

* Denver Broncos changed from mostly orange uniforms to 'more macho' navy blue with Nike stripe swoops on pants (won Super Bowl twice)
* Baltimore Ravens sold out historic Cleveland Browns and swapped orange helmet for 'macho' black raven helmet (won Super Bowl)
* Atlanta Falcons sold out franchise-long red helmet for 'macho' black helmet (appeared in first Super Bowl)
* Tennessee Titans sold out Houston Oillers, macho-ed up uniform (appeared in first Super Bowl)
* New England Patriots took off ball-snapping patriot from helmet for USFL slick helmet (won three Super Bowls)
* Tampa Bay cut the sissy peach uniform pattern for the most aggressive macho-ized uniform (won Super Bowl)

(The Seattle Seahawks uniform change -- slightly changed color -- got them into last year's Super Bowl, but the color change was a wise call.)

And note teams that haven't sold out their uniforms and apparently will never wreak any sort of success:

* Arizona Cardinals (did sell out St Louis)
* Detroit Lions
* Cleveland Browns II (re-instated best helmet in the NFL, a striped nothing of orange)

Some of you wonder, is failure synonymous with status quo, or maintaining of tradition? Not necessarily. But change must be justified, and never a calculated move to 'aim down' to perceptions that fans can't stomach riskier uniform decisions. Even if that means you won't have success.

The FBO endorses these uniform changes -- all retro decisions:

* New York Giants --> return from ugly blue 'Giants' helmet to the old softer-blue 'ny' helmet
* New York Jets --> scrapped inexcusable ugly-green 'jets-->' theme for retro Namath uniforms
* San Diego Chargers --> when they wear the old retro white helmet, gold bolt with number uniforms
* Buffalo Bills --> when they wear the retro OJ-era, all-red buffalo helmet

Consider cheering for these teams, and never root for those on the easy-way-out-to-Super-Bowl list above...


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY