FBO: 'Women Conquer 2006 Pop'

The best three songs of 2006 so far, per FBO's limited ear-scope, are sung by women.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs, 'Cheated Hearts'
Second LP by the NYC trio is a step above their first. Unlike the White Stripes' self-destructive tendency to keep the pared-down drums/guitar set-up with minimal/no overdubs on record, the Yeahs fill out their drum/guitar set-up with little extras to make listening to the album a bit less hollow. Singer Karen O looks like the child of Joey Ramone and Chrissie Hynde, and she effortlessly offers new hooks with her stand-out clipped voice. 'I think I'm bigger than the sound,' she calls out. Yes.

The Pipettes, 'Your Kisses Are Wasted On Me'
Again, the UK's pop industry remains miles ahead of the USA's. This poppy singles-oriented band of three rather dorky women conjures up Vandellas and other fun synchronized finger-pointing musicians of the early 60s. This song, here-and-gone in 2:11, mixes a B-52s/Kate Pierson soaring chorus with a sassy interjection by the verse singer.

Cat Power, 'Willie'
Some critics are after Cat for her latest album, The Greatest, but the FBO considers it her best. Best is 'Willie,' with its elusive lyric story and faintly syncopated vocal delivery that seems informed by rap via Stephen Malkmus. Unlike some indie kings -- like Malkmus -- Cat is figuring out how to stay relevant in her late 30s. Maybe that's what talent is. We also like 'Living Proof,' and if you can understand its implications towards religious tensions -- as implied by the video where Cat in a jumpsuit holding a crucifix races against women in hijabs -- please let us know.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Embracing Failure is Positive Gesture'

RECENTLY a prospective candidate band for FBO Member #005 scoffed the idea of membership, saying being in a 'failed band' collective is 'too negative.' It's worth talking about why such a collective is not negative, but the opposite.

1. WHO SAYS FAILING IS BAD? Conditioned by 'good guy winning' cartoons and some rewritten nurseries where the pigs are NOT eaten, it's hard for some of us to see the glory in Nebraska's football team going for two points and losing the national championship to Miami in 1984. But is Coach Tom Osbourne bad for choosing not to tie? And is it negative to remember that the two-point conversion failed?

2. WE APPLAUD CREATIVITY. In an era when Hollywood films are content to keep as many as possible new multi-million-dollar projects with things that are 'familiar' -- ie sequels to previous successes, remakes of previously successful films or TV shows, or biopics of celebrities who succeeded in various media -- even a failure at something new, totally new, should be applauded. In life, it is far easier to listen to your copy of 'She Sells Sanctuary' than go write a song about trans-gendered apes. These failed bands, and others, deserve recognition for not staying at home or going to parties and listening to the Cult.

3. WE ARE NOT DEAD. A band that stopped playing, with little or no ongoing record of their production is ultimately a dead band. In fact, they quit. Failed bands, in this forum, are NOT dead, but have resurrected -- unquit themselves -- and have a chance to reach new audiences and even create new art. It's hard to think of anything more positive. Unlike a high-school reunion, where guests laugh about the distant past, the FBO encourages new projects.

The FBO issues a challenge to those who think this collective is negative. Please come up with some means of pooling quit bands, dead bands that is more honest and more constructive and more positive than the FBO. And we will bow to your success, if you can do it. We'd love to!

Until then, the FBO remains ready to grow. We accept all failed bands -- anyone, everyone. As long as you failed.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Is it OK to Go to a High-School Reunion?'

HOT FREAKS & REUNION RULES

Probably no other event in our life is a more apt forum for gaging failure/success in an unapologetically, guilt-free nostalgic environment than high-school reunions. Recently FBO Admin and a couple FBO members attended a 20-year high school reunion for a graduating class of half a thousand. Here are a few FAQs and FCPs (frequently cited problems) of high-school reunions that FBO will simplify for you.

Should I go to my high-school reunion? Yes (depending on your class size -- smaller schools might be more painful). If you have a need to 'go home' for visiting purposes, or live in the area, missing one (at least) is like going to Niagara Falls and not seeing the water. Might as well. There's nothing to lose. If the pricks are still pricks, or the hotties sporting new facelifts, or the jocks holding onto the glory days in letter jackets, so be it. But you'll never have a chance to enter a room with some many personalities from your life long ago. It may be superficial, but it's like time travel. Plus you get to see who got fat.

What should I wear? Let's start by saying what not to wear. Unless you have eye problems or your name rhymes with Tory Part you should NOT wear sunglasses at night. And there's no possible excuse for shirts unbuttoned half way to the navel (wiht no under shirt). Several FBO members had this treat on Saturday, with an unironic MC calling shots as if on a particularly far-reaching SNL skit. Its gawl still sinking in two days later. A reunion is probably not the occasion to make statements. Wear what you wear at Thanksgiving, but 'summer it up' a bit. For some that's a tie-free day at a bank or mixers at the yacht club, others it's vintage Nightranger muscle tees. But unless your name rhymes with Tory Part don't wear sunglasses at night.

Should I listen to the band? No. And perhaps there shouldn't be one. No matter how good they are, reunions are not about 'rocking.' A DJ can pump out the '80s hits for you to help set the background for a nostalgic mood, spur on conversations about Huey Lewis concerts. Recently, FBO members witnessed a put-together quartet of people attending a reunion. Side-by-side expensive guitars lined the stage, and the band -- named for a school endeavor for the event -- treated it as a 'gig' to land shows in bars in the area. They finished with a 1986 classic, but peppered the set with early 21st-century heavy-alternative anthems, played loud enough to make soccer moms' noses bleed. They were good, but so what? The singer -- two wrist bands on his strumming arm, unbuttoned shirt over a Jim Morrison t-shirt, and two gold necklaces tight around his neck -- complained after a compliment, 'Yeah, but no one was watching us.' Yes, they were here to talk and mingle and reveal crushes and ask about jobs or children they'll never see.

I'm on the planning committee for my reunion, where should we hold it? Why not see if you can at your high school? The FBO members' recently shelled out several dozen dollars each to go to dark casino banquet hall, with a mezzanine bar area looking over the loud slots. Cash (or open) bars are a good way to break the ice, but why not rent out the high-school gym, have punch and cake, and -- just like the good ol' days -- sneak in your own liquor?

Will I score? If you are available and looking for love, don't look for it at a 20th-anniversary high-school reunion. Tenth maybe. At 20, it's about the saddest thing imaginable, and so many people there are not doing the same. If it happens, well good for you.

I used to be mean to a few people, should I apologize? Hopefully they've gotten over it, but it might be nice to just say 'hi' and see how they're doing. If you want to apologize, that's OK, but don't do it with an audience that puts the sad freak in for some public scorn once again. Also, it's really lame to resort to 20-year-old jokes though and subject a few people to the same abuse. If you see someone doing it, it's your job to intervene and stop it -- these incidences are rare, however.

Will the cool kids finally give me a chance? Probably not. If you're looking for redemption at not being in the 'in' crowd, it's not really going to happen unless you've done something amazing the past 20 years. People are really there to see who they knew way back when. Don't take it personally.

Are pricks still pricks? Almost always.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Tulsa, OK

FBO: 'July's Entertainment-Alternative Planner'

FUN, FUN, FUN?
Clerks II is out, Pirates of the Caribbean II is swabbing decks, Superman Returns is fizzling, Miami Vice is looming. It's going to be a busy summer of popcorn-eating and movie-going, right? Wrong.

The FBO urges you to S K I P - T H E M - A L L .

The FBO continues its voluntary ban, in an effort to promote a more stimulating and creative Hollywood film industry, any movie that banks on the 'familiar' -- bio-pics, TV show, sequels.

--> Four July back-ups for your entertainment fix:

See 'A Scanner Darkly' Since his Slackers debut, Richard Linklater has always been interesting, and Keanu Reeves might finally do something to shed the 'bogus' rep he has from his 'Bill & Ted' origins in the cartoony take on the Philip K Dick book. Apparently Dick's real-live family was so pleased with Reeves they gave him a long-held copy of the manuscript. Quite a gift.

See the World's Largest Amateur Rodeo It's hosted in Pawhuska July 18-23. Hopefully we'll have some coverage posted here next week.

Contribute in the FBO's Communal Review of 'The American Outback.' Read The American Outback: The Oklahoma Panhandle in the Twentieth Century, Richard Lowitt's new essay covering the FBO's favorite piece of land, and post a review here for the FBO Communal Review of the book. Anytime before the end of the month. The review will be posted August 1.

Make a wicker basket People knock it, but it's a skillful CRAFT that takes time and thought to replicate. Baskets make great gifts and Arbor Day is around the corner.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'World Cup 2006 Fails the Case for Soccer in the USA'

WILL THE 'NEXT HOCKEY' BE LACROSSE?

EVERY FOUR YEARS soccer makes a case to be a relevant sport, a great one, one that should at least surpass hockey in the minds of most Americans, with the exposure to the World Cup. This year soccer failed. More so than in any World Cup in recent memory.

This year's 64-game tournament, held in Germany, just finished with Italy's anti-climatic penalty kick win over France (and the much-talked about head-butt by French captain Zinedine Zidane), most games it seemed were one-goal games, with the goal coming off a controversial penalty kick (like Italy's iffy call over Australia in a second-round, 93rd-minute 1-0 win), or aid of player ejections that seemed extreme (like the USA's two reds against Italy), and continous dives to call fouls for free kicks (France's win over Spain in the second round came off a non-foul foul).

Bad TV
American TV announcers didn't help. Constantly criticizing the referees is something that works when you're going after the BCS' burps for an audience that truly understands college football. But 'analysts' this time -- like goateed, long-haired Marcelo Balboa -- pulled no punches on the refs, only confirming some budding soccer fans' beliefs that the sport is unexciting or flawed. Rarely will you see more negative coverage (though it may be justified). One announcer, during an Iran game, inappropriately politicized it, by constantly referring to Iran's politics, then even pointed out the 'chill' of seeing an event in the Nuremberg stadium where Nazi rallies had once been held. TV coverage likes to promote story lines in games, and their (convincing) adoration for three or four games straight of French captain Zidane unravelled when he head-butted an Italian player 20 minutes into overtime. He got the red card, and the rest of the game felt stained.

Doesn't the USA have a soccer league?
Most enigmatically, the American soccer league, MLS, seemed to care less that the world's favorite tournament was on during their season. They didn't suspend games, and only made ONE advertisment in 64 games to signal that 'hey, American soccer happens every year... you can watch it now.' They should have at least advertised during US, Mexican, Brazilian and English games. If the New York Red Bulls can, purportedly, afford to pay David Beckham $100 million to play in the USA, SOMEONE should have the money for a few ads. They really missed an opportunity.

Teams were not 'beautiful'
Over-hyped favorite Brazil -- they never play well in Europe -- never gelled on the field. The 'world's team' were never much to see, and they fell in the semi-finals to France 1-0. The Americans, particularly coach Bruce Arena, got bitter from their first-round exit, something TV coverage zeroed in on, like ESPN analyst Eric Wynalda -- a former player -- giving sharp critiques at Arena at every break. Only Italian fans are satisfied with Italy's play in the final. They held out for a post-overtime shoot-out, where their 6'4" goalie had a huge advantage over France's. The 'beautiful game' was a little plain this time.

Wasn't 2002 great?
Recent Word Cups have done a better job. In 2002 co-host South Korea surpassed expectations and the US team came a non-call hand ball in the penalty box from getting pass finalist Germany in the second round. In 1998, host France shocked favorite Brazil 3-0 in the final, and Mexico had some inspired last-second wins to rally around. In 1994, the USA hosted the event, only lost to the winner Brazil in the second round 1-0, and underdog Bulgaria made it to the final four.

FBO's suggestions for World Cup 2010

--> a) never let a final game be settled by penalty kicks; let teams earn a new sub per every 20 or 30 minutes played in overtime, and go until someone scores; it's better entertainment, and it provides a more satisfying victor
--> b) check replays for ANY penalty kick awarded or red card given; these game-changing plays occurred too much in 2006; the field is so big that it's hard for a ref on it, or two on the sidelines to see what was a dive and what wasn't
--> c) MLS needs to think of how to market itself AT ALL during any World Cup
--> d) TV coverage should stop talking story lines during every break and compile a World Cup overview videos to explain tournament history to people who don't know it (yes! Uruguay won it twice!!), with some of the great goals and controversies on video
--> e) never ever politicize the event

Unfortunately for those Americans who haven't seen the 'beautiful game' when it's beautiful, soccer felt like a game of cheats, dives, ugly defense, and bad refs. A pity.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO Question: 'Did Sting End the Cold War?'

THREE MONTHS after Mikhail Gorbachev became the General Secretary of the Communist Party in the USSR in March 1985, English pop musician Sting released his solo debut The Dream of the Blue Turtles, which included the hit single 'Russians.' In the next couple years, Gorbachev revolutionized the Soviet system, encouraging a policy of 'openness' (or glasnost) that led to a freer media to attack the government, and an economic 'restructuring' (or perestroika), which accidentally paved the way toward the fall of the USSR. The Cold War's first steps toward ending began, then, around the time of the release of Sting's stoic 'Russians.' Clearly Gorbachev was listening.

Though melodically flat, Sting's lyric held no punches. Take this in:

'In Europe and America
There's a growing feeling of hysteria
Conditioned to respond to all the threats
In the rhetorical speeches of the Soviets
Mr Krushchev said ''We will bury you''
I don't subscribe to this point of view
It would be such an ignorant thing to do
If the Russians love their children too'



Despite Sting's fascination with Soviet quotes that dated (at the time) three decades, it seems clear Sting played a compelling part in ending the Cold War.

It's up to our viewers to vote whether Sting deserves a Ribbon of Merit. Please let us know what you think.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Adopts the Trabant'

The East-German Trabant, a two-cycle car that was originally intended to be a 'family motorcycle,' became one of the longest surviving cars in automotive history. Its design -- covered with a plastic-like substance (not 'cardboard compressed' as some say -- was a legacy of embargoes opposed from steel plants in Western Germany against Soviet bloc countries. Its engine, its look hardly changed from 1957 till the car was discontinued in 1990.


In the FBO's recent press trip to Bulgaria and Romania, FBO Admin found that old Trabants could be purchased in Bulgaria for as little as US$100.

We think the endurance of the Trabant, despite the odds, is roughly symbolic to the Failed Bands of Oklahoma's plight -- to garner press, to play shows, to continue creating music, to ban movies like 'Superman Returns.'

In other news, here's the FBO Admin's World Cup picks:

Germany over Argentina, 2-1
Italy over Ukraine, 3-0
England over Portugal, 2-1
Brazi over France, 2-0


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'New Incarnation of #002 Changes Name'

NAME GETS CHOPPED

Eric Harmon, formerly of The Cant or Cinder Biscuits (together making up FBO Member #002), has let us know that the new incarnation of those bands -- Chop Shop -- has changed its name to Gear Test. We asked why:

'Well, the name geart test was going to be the name of the EP -- but kept loathing the name chop shop for various reasons -- it was a little too metal, a club in okc called chop shop. Every mom'n'pop motorcycle shop this or that side of the pecos had one.

I was talking to the boys about it for months, until i just changed it on My Space. It was our "url" all along anyway -- just seemed right. A good time to do it before we released any "actual" product.'

FBO Admin
Temp/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Alternates to Superman Returns'

THREE SUPERHEROES TO CONQUER OLD ONES

Because of the FBO-initiated ban on cinema's troubling tendency toward sequels, remakes and biopics, the FBO reminds you to skip Superman Returns, which is released June 28.

Alternates include:

Nacho Libre Rarely do Hollywood summer comedies base themselves in Mexico, feature a cast composed of almost entirely unknown Mexican actors, and follow the exploits of a Mexican tradition, such as wrestling. Plus it's very funny. The FBO loves Nacho Libre.
World Cup Over three billion people tuned into the 2002 final (this Cup's final is scheduled for July 9), compared to about 60 million world-wide clicking on the Super Bowl. It's the world's biggest sporting event and worth the hype.
Blue Rose Rocket Our favorite Oklahoma Panhandle band (shown above) is made up of two kids and a gray-ponytailed lead guitarist. Stay tuned for an interview (if they answer our emails). Meanwhile, buy their album and listen to it.

FBO to Hollywood: 'Superman Never Again'


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Applauds the Band that Refuses to Fail -- California's Slow Poisoner'

POISON (LABORIOUSLY ADMINISTERED) GARNERS HOPE

Andrew Goldfarb, aka Slow Poisoner, is a surrealistic one-man band from San Francisco. The band once had five people, then two, not just one. Songs include the post-911 tribute 'Days of the Soft Break' and a new one called 'Flaming Creatures (of Rock & Roll)' -- click here for the download, and other SP info. SP takes songs like these on the road to very unsual out-of-the-way venues. Not many San Franciscan musicians consider playing Lubbock for instance. Here's our virtual chat transcript.

The band size keeps falling. Why do you refuse to fail?
I also refuse to succeed. Eventually I hope to kick me out of the band too, but still perform, as a shadow of my former self, strumming an air guitar.

The FBO applauds your choice of playing shows at places like Lubbock and Wichita. Why do you play such out-of-the-way places?
Lubbock is the birthplace of the Legendary Stardust Cowboy (www.stardustcowboy.com). Reason enough! And Glen Campbell's "Wichita Lineman" is what's driving me to Kansas:


I am a lineman for the county
and I drive the main roads
searching in the sun for another overload
I hear you singing in the wire
and I can hear you through the whine
and the Wichita lineman is still on the line

Plus, there's a venue there called "Kirby's Beer Hall."

You mention on your website that all but three people hated you at one show in Georgia. Metal fans apparently. What did they say, and what did you say?
Our communication was non-verbal: they started square dancing ironically, and I responded by square dancing sincerely.

Thanks to SP.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, New York

FBO: 'Bringing Joy to its Readers'

The FBO searches all corners of the globe to bring happiness to failed bands and fans of failed bands.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Los Angeles, California

FBO: 'Tributes 6-6-06 With Failed Fake Metal Band'

ANOTHER ONE THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT
In honor of 6-6-06, and the FBO celebrates FBO Member #001 Tall Tales' spin-off heavy metal band THE BILL WYMANS. The short-set 'band' played a few times in 1990 and 1991, usually 'opening' for Tall Tales when no other bands were available.

Danny Fallis told us that the BWs were born from an impromptu 'jam period' that led to four new 'non Tall Tales sounding songs' in a few hours. 'We had a show coming up and we tried to figure out how to incorporate them into our set list,' Fallis says. 'I remember leaving the stage, taking a shot of something, putting on a wig and PJs, and they whole band ran back onstage proclaiming to be the Bill Wymans.' Alan Hiserodt added, 'It was a gag to do at Rome [a former club in Norman that once hosted the New Kids on the Block] too. We finally got a headline gig there, but no opening band. So we opened for ourselves.'

The short set-list ressurected an old song from pre-Tall Tales days called 'Streets of Hell,' a cover of the Scorpions' 'Rock You Like a Hurricane' and a few new songs including 'Let Me Play Your Sex Organ' and the band's favorite, a ballad called 'I Want You Inside Me.'

The Bill Wymans faded after a few shows. Hiserodt explained, 'We had opening bands, so we had no need for the BWs at that point.' But Fallis disagreed, 'Who said they're dead? They could come back like all bands do. I'm thinking sometime around 2008.'

Tall Tales picked the name because Bill Wyman was a 'womanizing bassist.' Something the band was very familiar with.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Pre-release of Oklahoma Gazette Feature'

Many FBO fans remember that FBO's Mobile HQ was contacted by the Oklahoma Gazette a couple months ago. So far the virtual interview hasn't made an appearance in the publication, so we thought we'd allow fans to get a 'preview' of the actual transcript -- in its rare, unedited format.

Sent on April 7, 2006, from FBO's Mobile HQ in Cluj-Napoca, Romania:


Oklahoma Gazette: What inspired this blog?
FBO Admin: I don't know where to begin. It neatly matches the point of life I'm at -- a merger of travel, resurrecting past dreams for no other purpose than a better substitute to television, and adding unnecessary monikers and bureacracy to things like failed bands. So it's kinda personal. I've always enjoyed watching bands that were OK, maybe bad, more than 'real' ones to succeed. There's nothing interesting, to some degree, in watching .38 Special. They were a successful band, they made some (debatably) catchy songs, with beards. OK. But a band that DID NOT make it makes you ask why. Makes you sit and ponder everything. You actually hear the skeleton of music, of lyrics, of band logos MORE SO when you look into things that, for a variety of fair/unfair reasons FAILED.

What has the response been?
I'd like more. But we have four bands that said 'yes, we failed, we want in' -- Tall Tales, Soul Shaker, The Cant/Cinder Biscuits and Asylum. I'm trying hard to get outside our immediate circle. I'd love nothing more than a failed Alabama-knock off from Wagoner in 1982. A Run DMC from Midwest City. A Stryper from Ponca. We're just starting. A cartoonist in Bulgaria said he'd make a cartoon of FBO HQ. I'd love to internationalize it if possible. Then maybe failed magicians are next... Anyway, I feel this is the point where I'm trying to get people involved in something that COULD be big, COULD be interesting. I'm certain it will. So I keep at it to 'create a back log' so that when interest comes, there will be something to show.

What does celebrating a failed band achieve?
Celebrating a failed band is a celebration of your own dreams. The FBO represents you, the average person. I mean it.

Do you feel as though any currently active bands can take lessons from those that have failed?
Certainly could. At least some things not to do. But I don't care too much about helping them. Let them fail/succeed on their own. Best of luck. However, I pencilled in a 'panel discussion,' perhaps during the panhandle shows, or as a 'live feed' at a Norman cafe, from FBO members across the state, where discussions and topics like this can be addressed. Actually, to be really honest, I'd say that none of us failed. We went out and made stuff. DIY art. Songs, lyrics, stage props, programs, album covers, flyers, promotion, management... It's quite an achievement to even have failed. I'm as proud of the bands I've failed in as anything I've done. I mention it in every job interview I've been in...

Could you elaborate a bit upon the slated "Panhandle Tour"?
I think this is the crux of the FBO. Oklahoma mainland rarely considers its panhandle. I'd seriously like the state to start a festival, a movement, a march, a day -- to acknowledge the panhandle. We so rarely do. And without it Oklahoma would look pretty Connecticut-like and dumb on a map. Plus having failed bands playing Guymon or Oklahoma Panhandle State University (they're interested, I've asked), can you imagine? A 'Last Waltz' of the unheralded? Doing a warm-up acoustic show atop Black Mesa for no one? Is there anything better than that?


FBO Admin
Temp/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, New York

FBO: 'Bans Sequels, Remakes & Bio-Pics'

You happy with self expression in this new century? Compare the public outcry in the late 1960s -- when actual blood was spilled around political conventions, student killed on campuses by police -- to the 00s, when an unpopular war, in which even the nation cannot agree how/why it started, yielded a relatively peaceful re-election for the incumbent. Little to no 'action' on the streets. Everyone was at home. One possibility is that the kids of the 00s are too content, too satisfied (hand-held video games, online chatting/dating, garage bands recording their own albums, kids making their own movies) than in the 60s and it's turned into a relatively lack of self expression.

Moving on, the FBO is worried about the trend in cinema of making biopics, rehashes of old TV shows or old movies, or sequels. It's become safer, from a box-office point of view, to give the public something it is already familiar with ('Dukes of Hazard,' 'Miami Vice,' 'X-Men 2' even 'Walk the Line') than to 'take a chance' on something completely new.

The FBO has had enough of the lack of creativity the motion-picture deems appropriate for our public. It's insulting and wrong. The FBO, thus, is suggesting an out-right ban of all future sequels, remakes and biopics.

It's still OK to see films based on books.


FBO Admin
Mobile HQ - Bucharest, Romania

{Photo} The photo, of a train worker, was taken in Tynda, Russia, in June 2005. The FBO sees this image -- one of action (creating things) -- as a symbol of the FBO. The ban is not a negative action, but one to prompt greater creativity. Also the members of the FBO, and all failed bands, should be comended for 'creating things' with little hope of acknowledgement or reward.

FBO Finds 'Key European Hub'

FBO ADOPTS SZEKELYUDVARHELY, ROMANIA

Some towns are great just because the people are great. This town of 37,000 in central Transylvania is the only of its size in Romania home to a majority (about 97%) of ethnic Hungarians called the Szekely. Their ancestors have lived here for over a thousand years. Transylvania only left Austro-Hungarian hands after WWI, something some locals here still resent.

Music and art is a big part of the town, with G Pub, sporting six rooms -- including a collection of radios dating five to eight decades. The G stages local bands, including the 17-year-old kids as part of Tear Gas (who write their songs and sing gruffily in English over brooding rhythms with heavily reverbed Cure-like guitar leads), and an expiremental guitar/violin duo called Amnesia. Tear Gas' artwork adorns one bar here, taken by a teenage girl who last year introduced the town to dreadlocks. On Sunday mornings, intellects and hipster youth heel-click, with urgency, to Casa de Cultura, where they are attending a rehearsal of a theatre piece, performed in Hungarian.

Being here, FBO Admin notices, is like being in an Eastern European or Southeast Asian town shortly after it 'opened up' to the west -- something like stepping into other towns (even a Prague or Ho Chi Minh City) in the early or mid 1990s. People are delighted by your presence, wondering how you knew about their town, and how you decided to spend time here. A chance encounter in a shop leads to an hour-long converstation about politics or horse markets or hockey or clarinets.


--> The FBO sympathizes with the sense of being an 'outsider' enclave amidst a greater, more successful, entity. And hereby adopts Szekelyudvarhely (Odorheiu Secuiesc) as its two-year European headquarters. Based on peformance that status may be renewed in 2008 for another two-year period. Talk has started with Robert Roth, of Herr Travel, about bringing some Failed Bands of Oklahoma to participate in a rock-music festival in 2007. Stay tuned.

Tasks for the Key European Hub will include fostering an open environment for failed bands, spreading awareness for failed bands, as well as hosting FBO events by 2007.

A key goal of the FBO's press-garnering tour of Bulgaria, Romania and Turkey is to find a Key European or Middle Eastern Hub. That task has now been achieved.


FBO Admin
Mobile HQ/European Key Hub -- Szekelyudvarhely (Odorheiu Secuiesc), Romania

PS -- The photos include an abandoned power plant on the road between Szekelyudvarhely (Odorheiu Secuiesc) and Marosvasarhely (Targu Mures); a clock in the town's central square, and the 1781 Hungarian Reformed Church.

FBO: Gives Retroactive 'NOA' to Edward Van Halen

You Got to Roll With the Punches and Get to What's Real

Dutch-born Edward Van Halen's solo in 1983's 'Jump' (the album 1984 actually came out in December 1983... FBO educates as well as entertains...) is probably modern art. Known for finger lifts and show-off rapid-fire solos ('just finger exercises,' Angus Young once said), Eddie knew he was shocking 'die hard' Halen fans with the synth-driven lead-off single 'Jump.'

In the video, moments before the obligatory guitar solo begins, Eddie points a 'coming up' sign with his hand, then flies into his fastest-ever solo, totally at odds with the song, to just 'give something' to the fans.

FBO believes this was done in jest, rather cynically. He used a portion of a song to make a statement.

For this, the FBO awards Eddie Van Halen a NOA*.


FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Targu Mures, Romania

* NOA = Nod of Approval

FBO: 'Seeks Apology from Rolling Stones'

TOO MUCH MOSS

The Rolling Stones have survived Keith Richards' recent tree fall and head surgery, but at 43 (the band, not Keith) you have to wonder how long a band can last before it begins to taint its overall legacy. Ie, can we still appreciate 'Gimme Shelter' after 'Rock and a Hard Place,' 'You Got Me Rocking' and 'Oh No Not You Again.' Lesser bands like Aerosmith are doing a better job at keeping themselves attractive to younger generations. The Stones have subjected their willing, nostalgic public to live albums following tours supporting greatest hits albums, and even live albums from tours supporting live albums. Last year, their 'Rarities' record -- released sofly in Starbucks -- included half-assed songs previously released, and live songs of hit songs. They are, as Dylan once wrote, long 'staking their future from a hell of a past.'

Consider this:

The last good Stones album, with songs showing any durability or any sense of capturing the general public's imagination, was undebatably Tattoo You in 1981. That was 18 years into their career, and now 25 years ago. That means over half of their career hasn't produced a single essential song.

Meanwhile, bands like U2 and even Depeche Mode are producing more consistent work into their third decades.

The FBO calls for the Rolling Stones, supposedly the world's greatest rock'n'roll band, to apologize for 25 years of careless creativity and outright manipulation of their fans.


FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Bucharest, Romania

FBO: 'On the Edge of Success'

With four bands, a couple NOAs to Shakira and Wilco, and some temporary honorary members under our belt, THE FBO IS NEARING ALL-OUT SUCCESS. If you have questions, can offer tips, let us know.


FBO Admin
Mobile HQ - Parmakule, Turkey

Note: The photo was taken atop Mt Tampa near the 'Hollyood' sign in Brasov, Romania. In this case, it is a metaphor. The platform is the 'edge,' and the housing block smear of Brasov's outer districts provides 'success.'

FBO: 'A Helping Hand to the Non-Failed'

TIPS FROM THE SEASONED AND SCARRED

FBO Admin has received countless calls for tips that new bands, aka to-be-failed bands, can refer to. Here's five:

1. Hail to 1:51. All songs, no matter how bad, earn a song length of 1:51. No one can complain that it's 'sucky' or 'drifts without direction' if it's 1:51 or less. At 1:52 a song must earn every second. Consider this before repeating your first verse again just to get the obligatory verse after solo after second-chorus arrangment.
2. Don't talk about yourself, yet. 'Singer-songwriters' -- apparently different than people who write and sing songs -- talk about their problems with mics. Others yell at their parents thru distortion pedals. We don't care. We have problems too. You have to earn your stripes before you can complain about your life. Start complaining about ours, for example. Or sing about crickets attacking three-legged animals.
3. Don't laugh at your own jokes. They're not funny. If Steve misses the bass note AGAIN, who cares? If a lyric has a hidden reference we don't know, don't think it's funny. It's not. And you're pissing us off thinking it is funny. Know those mirrors where things are closer than they appear? It's like that for jokes on stage, but worse.. It seems a lot funnier when you're on stage than to the bored audience watching it.
4. Don't focus on the constructs of your songs. Audiences don't care if you started with a bridge, then went to pre-chorus THEN to verse, then chorus, then did a solo, before going through it in the right order. We couldn't give frack all. Audiences only care if it rocks.
5. Don't put Velvet or any gun part in your band name.


FBO Admin
Mobile HQ: Istanbul, Turkey

FBO: 'Recommends Travel'

SOMETIMES THE OBVIOUS NEEDS TO BE STATED

Recently on the publicity trip for promoting failed bands, FBO Admin watched Matrix III with two French people, a Canadian who had her backpack stolen in Serbia the day before, a Japanese farmer in ennui for abandoning his home, and a young German apologizing for 'how German' the hostel co-owner was. What was striking about the episode -- this weird international mix in a former communist country -- is how unstriking it was. A generation ago, our parents -- most of our parents -- never knew even a Canadian, and now it's relatively normal to watch bad Keanu Reeves movies with failed farmers and angst-ridden youth from former enemies.

FBO Admin has travelled, in the past year, in pre-research and press-garnering trips to Vladivostok, Beijing, Plovdiv, Bogota, Mexico City, San Francisco, Brasov and Mandalay. Guesthouses in all had Chinese soap. This is something new. Two years ago in Bulgaria, notebooks were Bulgarian-made and said 'notebook' in Bulgarian on the cover; these don't exist anymore. Half the signs in Sofia, Bulgaria, meanwhile, are flashy 'Western-style' ads in Roman alphabet, not the Bulgarian-created Cyrillic.

The FBO recognizes this 20-year period -- the crux of the FBO generation, and a setting for massive world change -- is when different things on Romanian hand-tool farms and men-in-skirt sidewalks of Myanmar are becoming more and more the same. We are literally the ones who are living while this is happening.

Why bring this up?

--> The FBO recommends all of its members and fans to travel now. What is 'exotic' now will likely be a lot less so in another decade or more.

Meanwhile, FBO is considering putting Member #004 Asylum's Terry Waska back in the Penalty Box.


FBO Admin
Mobile HQ: Sibiu, Romania