Monday, February 19, 2007

FBO: 'Necticut = Stitution'

IS IT MUFFINS FOR ALL OR NO ONE?
This week the FBO will enact an order regarding its relationship with Connecticut: either adopting the state or banning it for the life of the FBO. It needs your help to know which is the proper course of action.

In the extended PRESIDENT'S DAY WEEKEND, a curious holiday devoted to a single president (but never explained which), FBO Admin celebrated by a visit to 'upstate New York' and made a short, unexpected sojourn across Connecticut state lines. FBO Admin, a novice at Connecticut tourism, asked a few locals about its nickname and had a coffee at an original Connecticut Muffin, a bizarre chain with many New York City locations. No one knew why Connecticut was called the 'Constitution State' -- one suggested turbidly 'because of the founding fathers.'

Delaware was the first state to ratify the US Constitution (meaning, if you think of it, the country was initially 'the United State of America'). The USA's fifth state, Connecticut, did not author the constitution, nor did a Connecticut politician 'chip in.'

Based on selfless research at FBO HQ, it's been determined that Connecticut's nickname actually refers to a 1638 constitution -- more accurately, the 'Fundamental Orders of Connecticut' -- which has been replaced several times. Some claim it to be the 'first constitution' in North America, yet the original Orders (see link) never mention the word 'constitution.' Nevertheless, in 1959, when Connecticut -- the country's richest state -- found itself without a suitable nickname (an alternate remains 'nutmeg state'), they desperately grabbed at a FAILED DOCUMENT that pre-dated its history as a state by 140 years and named it for a word that it did NOT itself claim to be: a constitution.

--> Similar reasoning suggests that Italy is the 'birthplace of aviation,' as Leonardo de Vinci's failed attempts at flight in the 16th century (winged ornithopters) were later validated by successful flights by the likes of the Ohioan Wright Brothers in 1903...

The tenacity of Connecticut's move, however, is to be admired. And its nod to a noble failure is another thing we at the FBO hold dear. Still there are aspects -- a lack of any creativity, or insight, for example -- that makes us as FBO HQ pause.

To solve the problem, the FBO asks you to decide. A vote through this week is being held for failed-bands' fans to determine. Please vote for one of the following:

a) Connecticut should be banned from FBO events, and sent an explanatory note
b) Connecticut should be adopted by the FBO, and sent a note of congratulations

The option of no action is not in question. A note of some sort will be sent to Connecticut from the Failed Bands of Oklahoma.


Thank you,

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

PS -- FBO fan Thomas Caw of West Hartford will be exempt from any negative repercussions of the vote, and possibliy benefit from positive ones.

6 comments:

Kenny T. said...

I have always believed that a state should be judged not so much on its motto, but on the amount and quality of famous people from that state. At first glance, Connecticut should should be welcomed because of the likes of Dorothy Hamill (grew up in Riverside), but then one realizes that Dorothy Hamill is no Mary Lou Retton. So that cancels her out. Also, Benedict Arnold is from Norwich - very bad for the state. But Connecticut has Samuel Clemens, and he wrote A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court - so they cancel each other out. Connecticut has Phineas T. Barnum. I put him in the bad category because of the exploitation of freaks, which is generally considered in poor taste. However, Connecticut was also home to Katharine Hepburn. Cate Blanchett won an Academy award for portraying Hepburn. So they cancel each other out. In sum, it is a draw. Base your decision not on the motto, but on the muffins.

Waska the Rocker said...

Right off the bat you mentioned President's Day, which made me think of George W. Bush. That put me in a mood most foul, and for that reason I say "Fuck Connecticut"! And until they delete that second "c", they should not be considered.
And I'm tired of Oklahoma/Texas rivalry. We need a new state to talk shit about and Connetticut is a prime candidate. We can still hate Texas, but isn't it getting old? You know who else is from Connetticut? George W Bush, that's who! So screw them, and screw Texas who actually CLAIMS him!
For the record, I'm a big fan of the remaining 47 states and Puerto Rico (not so much DC since they banned Bad Brains).
And I don't much care for Mary Lou Retton either (Texan) because of that goofy commercial she made to let us know about her faith. "I'm not perfect - but I know who is!" as she beams into the camera with that vacant headed grin...

Anonymous said...

Give Connecticut a chance. Failed documents are in tandem with failed bands. I vote for Connecticut.

Hiser said...

I vote B, bring the losers on in.

Failed Bands of Oklahoma said...

Feel free to comment, but the ban-or-abolish vote is over: Connecticut will be adopted by a riveting vote of 2 for CT, 1 against CT, and 1 for the muffins.

Thanks all!

tom caw said...

I want to clear up the West confusion here: I work in West Hartford, but I live in West Simsbury.

On behalf of Chauncey Jerome, I'd like to thank FBO for adopting my adopted home state.