FBO: 'The Delaware Trilogy (Part III): Cancelled'

The FBO regrets to announce that the third part of the Delaware Trilogy, concocted after a wildly successful North & East Delaware/Failed Bands of Oklahoma cultural symposium a week ago, has been cancelled.


WHY THE HORSE?

Originally plans for the third, and final, installment of the trilogy was a three-part play entitled 'REVERANCE FOR THE RODNEY RIDE.' The wart-faced hero of Delaware is a legend in the 'first state,' though largely unknown once you cross the Delaware River. Delaware's commemorative quarter features Caesar riding on his horse -- to Philadelphia, in a frenzy, to sign the Declaration of Independence. Statues and testimonials of Mr Rodney's achievement -- without him, it's possible, Delaware wouldn't even be the 'first state'-- are everywhere in Delaware.

The FBO finds it curious that his ride to Philadelphia is so concretely linked with his horse. Surely his penmanship, his conviction are more important? Do we celebrate an Indianapolis Colts Super Bowl victory by waving flags showing the likeness of the team bus? No. But one wonders if it isn't in response to the popularity and lore and legend Massachusetts resident Paul Revere has received for his, likely exaggerated, ride to warn 'the British are coming, the British are coming!' in the wake of the Revolutionary War. 'Hey,' Delawarean historians seem to say, but a bit too late, 'We rode a horse quick too!'

The three-part play would explore the relationship between these two men, much of it would be fictional. The play -- and resultant film -- would star Will Arnett as Paul Revere and Will Ferrell as Caesar Rodney, who'd cry at one pitiful public soliloquy, 'But I rode a horse, I rode a horse too!'

After careful consideration, and discussions heard at the symposium, the FBO now considers Rodney's frantic horse ride made with US independence in mind,as more historically important than that 'Masshole' Paul Revere's. It also happened first. Hence:

--> The FBO bans Paul Revere re-enactors -- and descendants -- from using this site.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'San Francisco Band Needs Help Naming Record'

San Francisco's TENDER FEW -- a band featuring previously failed musicians -- is making a record. And needs help naming it.

Please, if you have time, take a look at their plea.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Will Attempt to Procure the Turtle'

Philip Duke Riley -- called a 'Brooklyn art boob' by today's New York Post, and a 'Sub Moron' by that paper this weekend -- created a wooden replica of a Revolutionary War 'submarine' called the 'Turtle.' Last Friday he floated it in the East River -- he had no means to 'drive it' on his own. The NY Times said it drifted by condoms and dead rats. His goal: the Queen Elizabeth 2 ship, where he wanted to get a photograph of himself drinking a beer next to it. He was detained by terror-alert authorities and his submarine hauled away. One policeman laughed, 'I don't know what we are going to do with it.'




The FBO does not know if this is actually 'art,' as Riley maintains. But the FBO likes the effort.

ACTION POINT: The FBO will contact authorities about purchasing the submarine...


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'The Delaware Trilogy (Part II)'

THE FBO VISITS, ADOPTS EASTERN DELAWARE


There are at least half a dozen reasons why one should spend a good hour looking at the following state shape, and stop, and consider, and reflect. Please do so:



For the moment the FBO is interested in just one aspect: EAST DELAWARE (shown in orange), which was the destination of a short field-trip as part of the recent NORTH & EAST DELAWARE/FAILED BANDS OF OKLAHOMA INAUGURAL TWO-DAY SYMPOSIUM.

In the years before Delaware became a state -- the first state -- the Duke of York and Will Penn grew a hatred for each other that transcends the irrational, normally reserved for SEC football fans. Much of their hatred was over the patch of land that is now Delaware. Designed as a 17th-century yielding of land as defined by a 12-mile arc around New Castle, including up to the opposite bank of the Delaware River in today's New Jersey. By 'accident' it includes this peninsular bit of land that lies both west of the east opposite bank of the Delaware River, yet on New Jersey 'mainland soil.' New Jersey has never been happy about it -- the most recent legislation to claim East Delaware dates from 2006.

FBO Representative visited. A New Jersey man with a ponytail and a fist-broken nose pumped gas and fielded a few questions, including the following:

FBO: I hear there's a piece of land near here that's actually part of Delaware?
NJ MAN: Yeah, whatever.

The area is guarded, so to speak, by New Jersey's Fort Mott State Park, a non-uninteresting, largely neglected state park with fortifications facing the water, and a pier that -- if the 12-Mile Arc is to be adhered to stricly -- should technically be in Delaware. Just north of the state park is Finn's Point National Cemetery, a walled compound with a memorial for 2400 Confederate soldiers who perished at nearby Fort Delaware during the Civil War.

A caretaker, carefully planting Confederate flags at the memorial ('today is Garrison Day,' he explained), noted that the wall that rimmed the cemetery -- which also includes a handful of German POWs from WWII -- is actually the border with Delaware.

NJ MAN2: We have an agreement with Delaware that New Jersey polices it -- easier that way.
FBO: What do they police?
NJ MAN2: Not much. Some locals like to go out and drink beer. Other than that, there's nothing there.
FBO: Think New Jersey will ever claim it?
NJ MAN2: No. Doesn't matter. That's just politicians talk.

FBO Fan Rich Trott has proposed East Delaware be the site of an upcoming FBO Performance -- perhaps the sequel to the Panhandle Show. Meanwhile the FBO adopts East Delaware.

Photographic evidence of the East Delaware/FBO Symposium:






FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'The Delaware Trilogy (Part I)'

THE WHITE STRIPES AT WILMINGTON'S GRAND OPERA



In New York City, where FBO makes its semi-permanent HQ base, music fans expect to see whomever they want on any given night of the week. Everyone plays here, and many people go. If you try to get seats -- as FBO tried for Arcade Fire a couple months ago -- you're lucky to get bad seats (as the FBO was lucky enough to procure). If you line up at 3am, you don't get anywhere near the front row -- press, VIPs, band family already has those seats: wanting to see a show in the Big Apple, where Rolling Stones and New York Times tend to make their reviews.

When FBO Representative Robert Reid was invited to see the White Stripes first-ever Delaware show at a 1871 opera house -- far more compact than Tulsa's Old Brady, with painted ceilings, fussy parlors to drink beer and talk with the gray-haired staff in cranberry outfits -- we quickly signed up for the Delaware/FBO symposium. The theatre looks like the place Abraham Lincoln should've been shot. The worst seat is by far better than anything you can get in most venues. FBO got second-row center.

Delaware was clearly excited about The White Stripes -- six albums old, and still making the drum/guitar two-fer sound fresh and yet ever-linked to the better riffs of early Zeppelin and more distant blues. A bar across from the opera house, on downtown's Market Street, blared White Stripes songs on a sidewalk speaker, as a mix of lawyers, accountants and bearded hipsters drank Dogfish beer in a slightly too fancy bar. Outside, a guy tried to sell tickets for $200 (which he 'bought on eBay for $100 a piece') when the cops weren't looking. Twenty-something hipsters genuinely wondered of each other: 'are you excited?' No one in New York talks like that before a TV on the Radio show. Nearby two pudgy 43-year-old men walked briskly to the bar, both wearing identical, brand-new White Stripes concert t-shirts.

After the 105-minute set wrapped up, the crowd left -- with the retired volunteer staff smiling and wishing you a 'good night' -- and stuck around Market Street to talk about the show and 'go get a beer at The Exchange' nearby. An associate in Wilmington, Ms Jamie, said, 'You better get a photo. No one's ever out on Market Street at this time.'

Other photos from the first part of the FBO's symposium in north and east Delaware follow:














The FBO thanks northern and eastern Delaware -- as represented by Phil Bangle -- for the tickets, and the playful introductory evening to the Delaware/FBO symposium and exchange. The FBO hopes the positive energy of that evening will carry over to future projects merging to the two in the future.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Muting Iraq's Glory'

The New York Times put Iraq's shocking wins over Korea in the semi-finals of the Asia Cup, then 1-0 over Saudi Arabia in the final yesterday, on its front pages. But not the sports section. ESPN -- ever fond of piano-soundtracked sappy stories and playing up forced story lines that hover over the pitches of sport -- largely snubbed Iraq's unlikely win. Simply showing the winning header in the 72nd minute and finishing with 'the captain had some criticism for the USA after the game though.' ESPN went on to its Top 10 list of best plays of the week. After devoting much of their 90-minute show to questioning whether Barry Bonds deserves praise for the upcoming home-run record, they put his latest home run at #1. The Iraq win wasn't mentioned.

Iraq is playing with a collection of players scattered across the region. The winning save against Korea was made by their Shiite goalie, the winning goal against Saudi Arabia came from a corner by a Kurd to the Sunni captain. Fans in Baghdad talked about how the players should 'be our politicians' -- that they'd done more for uniting the country than parliament. C'mon ESPN! Get out the piano for this one!

For a nation in a very ugly war, it's nice to see some excitement, positive energy. That the captain called for the USA to leave Iraq -- perhaps remembering George W Bush's touting of the unlikely team's Olympic appearance a few years ago -- does nothing to soften the moment.

The FBO bans ESPN for four days.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Presenting The Delaware Trilogy'

FBO Representative Robert Reid was invited on a two-day cultural symposium in northern and eastern Delaware this weekend. As part of the exchange, the FBO spoke in Delaware about failed bands and other failed projects at the ballroom of the historic Dupont Hotel (1913) as well as on Market Street downtown. Meanwhile FBO Rep Robert Reid attended a music performance and visited East Delaware, a parcel of land east of the Delaware River on 'mainland New Jersey.'

As a result this week is 'Delaware Week' for the FBO, and the FBO will be presenting the Delaware Trilogy, beginning tomorrow.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Wilmington, Delaware

FBO: 'Vote on the Worst Rush Songs'

We all agree -- all -- that Rush should be in the FBO, and actual, Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame. So there's no danger in bringing up their WORST songs.

FBO Admin's vote is a surprising one, for many. 'FREE WILL.' Whilst Rush was on any available cassette deck in the mid '80s, I dragged my mom into the ins-and-outs of 'Permanent Waves' on a road trip across Oklahoma. Heading back to side one after a complete listen, she finally spoke up -- as Geddy wailed his screaming bits at the end of 'Free Will' -- 'OK, that's enough.' And she was right. I've never really listened to it again since.

I guess I prefer the 'softer side' of Geddy's vocal abilities.

Taking your opinions...

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Saigon, Vietnam

FBO: 'Inducts Rush to FBO Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame'

CONFORM OR BE CAST OUT
Is there really any doubt that Canada's RUSH should be in the actual Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame? They're consistently among the top-drawing concert acts, and still churning out the digital stubs in their fourth decade (they recorded a triple CD set in RIO recently, and about, oh, a million people came out for it -- possibly the greatest thing in recent history: Brazilians listening to Geddy Lee screach 'I will choose free will!').

Known for overworked time signatures, overly thought out lyrics and themes, and album covers with kids and a naked-buttocked man, RUSH deserves the hall for making reasonably unique music -- occasionally inspired, never not sounding as something fashionably unlike their reasonably unique music, allowing scientific nerds a soundtrack, and delighting Canadians for decades.

According to Wikipedia:

Rush boasts 23 gold records and 14 platinum (3 multi-platinum) records, making them one of the best-selling rock bands in history. These statistics place Rush fifth behind The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, KISS and Aerosmith for the most consecutive gold and platinum albums by a rock band.

How can a band without a pop hit -- OK, 'New World Man' made #38 for a week in 1982 -- and those numbers not have some credibility? Particularly with Jackson Browne and Bob Seger in the Hall?

RUSH's Five Best Songs
1981's 'Tom Sawyer' is generally their best-known song but their best five songs are:

1) "Spirit of the Radio" (1980). There is no doubt this is number one, with the absurd burst of Van Halen lift-offs in the opening lick, and the reggae break, and Geddy generally not screaming too much. It's energetic and compact. People who don't like Rush tend to like this.
2) "The Body Electric" (1984). Alex Lifeson got a hipster haircut for this very under-appreciated album with nods to acid rain (before REM did it), a fake U2 solo or two, and a ska break-down. This underrated song's ending -- where Geddy sings 'the mother all machines!' the second time -- is a spine chiller, and the whole build-up part sounds a little like Pete Townshend's 'Rough Boys,' which is of course good ground to borrow from.
3) "Subdivisions" (1982). This mall-culture, teenage-wasteland single shocked us Rush fans back in '82. Not so much for the synths, but that someone other than Geddy got vocal duties. Alex Lifeson leaned to the mic in the video to speak 'subdivisions...' but -- the FBO hears -- it was actually Neil Peart doing the honors. **Note: Relistening to the song after the post, the FBO Admin regrets placing this so high. Consider 'Limelight' from '81 as an obvious replacement. --FBO Admin, 7/16**
4) "Cygnus X-1 (Part II)" (1978). Recently, in a California bar, FBO Admin heard the opening notes of the full vinyl-side song -- records were so good for that: 'cool, there's only one track on the whole SIDE!' -- and saw a bearded bartender air-drumming the Peart fills. The overlooked Hemispheres album inspires such. Imagine starting a five-song album with a 18-MINUTE SEQUEL to an already sprawling song ABOUT A BLACK HOLE. I wouldn't think there was that much to say about one -- it's weird, sprawling, consuming; avoid at all costs -- but Peart knew better.
5) "Fly By Night"(1975). Rush with a little three-minute song. If you play the D/D-suspended notes with a little swing (impossible with Peart on drums) it can almost pass as alternative rock.

Hall, put them in now (or apologize for Lawyers in Love).

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Hue, Vietnam

FBO: 'Salutes Journalist, Makes Fun of Him'

It's very good that BBC journalist Alan Johnston -- held hostage by in the Gaza Strip for four months -- was freed recently, but the event -- with time, and its effect on hair -- only illustrates -- with painful clarity -- a recent FBO admission that shaved heads fool no one. It almost always means: BALDNESS.

Photo of Alan after four months without access to a razor:



And 20 minutes after freedom:



The FBO is sorry it took an act of terrorism to prove a point, but the truth cannot be denied. As a result, BALDNESS is temporarily banned on this site. Balding visitors are welcome as long as they identify themselves [in brackets] by the percentage of their head that's balding.

The temporary ban ends on August 2.

FBO Admin
[11% bald]
Mobile HQ -- Hanoi, Vietnam

FBO: 'Adopts Pet: Hanoi Turtle'

A crowd in Vietnam -- where the Failed Bands of Oklahoma are currently wrestling press coverage for failed bands -- either means a group of parents waiting for kids leaving school, or a fight. In Hanoi, there's a third option, if you see a crowd on the rim of Hoan Kiem Lake (Restored Sword Lake) in the center of town: someone's seen the six-foot-long turtle that many believe doesn't exist.

Hanoi's famed lake is based on a 15th-century legend of a massive turtle who first gave a sword to the (actual) nobleman/warrior Le Loi to fight off the Chinese, then after doing so successfully, Le Loi went boating in the lake with the sword, and the turtle came and snatched it back -- then disappeared in the murky depths never to be seen again. (When I hear of the tale, I always enjoy imagining the sound of the turtle snapping at the sword -- a non-threatening, but decisive, snap, re-claiming the sword that Le Loi may or may not have wanted to return...) One of the tiny islands on the lake is 'tortoise island' with a slightly leaning, picturesque tower built in rememberance of it. In 1993, plans were made to drain the lake until some protested to the government -- at a period when not many did; scuba divers searched for turtles and none were found. All this is fun and fine, but the catch is there really are VERY LARGE turtles in the lake. Or at least one. And if spotted, expect a large crowd will gather to look.

Walking by the lake today, I saw a huge crowd gathered on the lake's northern end. Looking in -- about the place where I saw a bloated dead rat floating amidst some garbage a couple weeks ago -- huge bubbles appeared. The suddenly, a head! The head of a massive turtle. The crowd 'oohed' as if spotting a dragon decapitating a llama, the turtle slowly moved toward the center of the lake -- occasionally showing its head again. I couldn't believe my luck. I telephoned a pal in Hanoi, Nam, who said 'What? I've never seen it in my life.'



Apparently sightings are rare. The following comes from a decade-old article that speculated that IF the turtle existed it would last much longer...

"This turtle is a fascinating phenomenon, probably the biggest soft-shell in the world and certainly the most endangered," said Peter Pritchard, a renowned turtle biologist. "People in Vietnam are treating it like the Loch Ness monster, but this is not a myth. People need to treat it like a biological thing — an endangered species."

But is the turtle related to the sword-biting legend, or just a passerby? Dr Ha Dinh Duc, supposedly Vietnam's leading 'turtle expert', believes it IS the turtle -- about 560 years old now. He said...

"Yes, that's right, the same turtle," said Duc, 56, a biology professor at Hanoi National University who has studied the Hoan Kiem turtles since 1991. "Some scientists don't believe a turtle could live this long, especially in a lake so small and with so many people around, but I think so."

The FBO believes in the turtle and formally adopts the turtle as FBO PET.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Hanoi, Vietnam

FBO: 'Robert Reid in NY Times'

Failed Bands of Oklahoma founder Robert Reid has an article -- on BULGARIA -- in today's New York Times.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Hoi An, Vietnam

FBO: 'Considering Midnight Oil for Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame'

Let's down shift a bit, and merely consider a band for the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame that rarely gets much mention out of its home-continent, Australia: Midnight Oil.

They're not very good, really, but still the Failed Bands of Oklahoma is TAKING SOME TIME to consider whether they'll nominate Midnight Oil for the Hall. (Their first album dates from the late '70s, well beyond the '25 year' mark the Hall requires for consideration.)

--> Hall or no? Your input is welcomed, and needed.

FBO Admin bought their album Red Sails in the Sunset in 1984 because it had a 'cool cover.' It looked like something like Mars and Sydney combined -- of course at the time I thought it was a fictional city, not recognizing the Sydney Opera House, but still it had an effect. Songs like 'Best of Both Worlds' were punkier than the follow-up break-through-to-US #1 album Diesel & Dust (1986) with the single 'Beds are Burning.' We always knew Peter Garrett, the extremely bald lead singer, was upset about something -- the environment, Australia's aboroginal right, nuclear weapons etc -- but we weren't sure what, and that was OK. You trust a guy like that. And over time he's proven it all the more, by going into politics and GETTING ELECTED.

See more on Peter Garrett here.

Most importantly, Peter is probably the most successful head-shaved (male) lead singer of all time. (Sinead O'Connor is likely the most successful bald lead singer.)

Bald heads in the real world trod over more iffy grounds. Ten years, or maybe 15, ago, having your head shaved was a novel thing -- a notch above the also-novel goattee. You were either a neo-Nazi, a Yul Brynner fan, or maybe liked Sinead. It was kinda cool -- like Kojak and his lolipops. Those days are done. Having your head shaved now means exactly one thing: YOU ARE GOING BALD. The 'cover up' and the 'toupee' has long since fallen away to this equally transparent tactic. Stop doing that.

Perhaps nominating Midnight Oil to the Hall will help.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Hoi An, Vietnam

FBO: 'Inducts Lou Reed to FBO Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame'

Paul McCartney is in the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame as a solo artist, but LOU REED isn't. Let's think this through a bit:


Paul has had one of the driest recording spells in the past, oh, 37 years of any supposed genius songwriter since Mozart faked his death and stopped making music for 42 years. (That didn't happen.) 'Ebony & Ivory' and 'Say Say Say' duets are hardly forgotten, or forgiven, nor that disaster 'Give My Regards to Broad Street.' Paul's band Wings -- which have should have no play in his SOLO inductee to the Hall -- guards really his only tolerable post-Beatles work: debatably 'Band on the Run,' 'With a Little Luck,' 'Live & Let Live,' 'Mull of Kintyre' (for the bagpipes). And, again, those do not count.



If the Hall has room for Paul's tedious solo outings, and allows vastly overrated Eric Clapton to get in twice -- as solo artist (which we reluctantly accept) and the two-year-running Cream (unforgivable) -- why can't Lou get in for Velvet Underground (happened; 1996) and his long-lasting, often interesting and challenging solo career? Lou's Transformer album (1972) is his most famous -- produced by Bowie, with 'Walk on the Wild Side' (jazz and drag?), 'Satellite of Love' and 'Vicious,' while the under-appreciated 1973 concept album Berlin is likely the most depressing of all time -- try 'The Kids' or 'The Bed,' where the narrator sits on the bed where his ex 'slit her wrists' and rethinks what went wrong. More importantly, Lou fell into an often hilarious wave of self-destruction, with the incredibly inconquerable double-live album Take No Prisoners, where his 20-minute version of 'Wild Side' lashes out at the audience and never gets into the song, or his double-album noise instrumental album Metal Machine Music (1976). (Later he'd make a video -- 'Video Violence' -- of a Lou Reed 'robot' pulling its face apart...) There are misfires -- and galling disasters (like his most recent Edgar A Poe concept album The Raven), and too many cover shots with his mug on the cover, but his 27 years of solo recordings have been ambitious and way out of the curve.


The FBO asks:


--> Put Lou in now (or take Paul, and Jackson Browne!, out now). Surely his work has out thought, influenced and performed a Bob Seger?











FBO Admin



Mobile HQ -- Hue, Vietnam

FBO: 'Eyes Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame, John Cougar'

Do the Ronettes really deserve to be in the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame? This year, along with previously documented underachiever REM, the Ronettes angled into the Hall, largely on their puppet-body contribution to (allegedly) human-killing Phil Spector's 'wall of sound' sound. The songs are catchy -- the few that exist -- but they didn't do that much to make them. Do you applaud the players of Twister for the overlapping tangle that people get into based on the color the arrow points to?

The FBO will be, over the next two weeks, appointing new bands the FBO recommends for joining the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame that have been snubbed so far.

FBO INDUCTEE NUMBER ONE: JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP

Can anyone listen to 'Pink Houses' and not like it? John Cougar -- often so mocked for his dumb swoop of hair in the mid '80s and carrying the vibe of someone that might have laughed too hard at a taking-a-dump-on-someone's-porch prank years before -- is actually something of the Real Bruce Springsteen. A working-class guy who has working-class roots and earned his slur with his Central Time Zone homeland. He helped found Farm Aid, still going, and has made jangly, duo-guitar rock'n'roll beginning at precisely the moment (1982 or so) that the Rolling Stones forgot how to. John has kept it up. You may smirk at the recent Ford Truck commerical -- 'this is our country' -- but you can't deny the hook, or that it SOUNDS LIKE JOHN. He has his own voice -- something hard to find -- and his own co-opted sound that has never sold out, tried fashionable tricks or swayed from his Indiana convictions. In his OK single 'Cherry Bomb' (which featured a bi-racial couple in the video), he lets his long-standing bandmates take a stab at a line in the last verse (can you imagine Billy Joel or Bob Seger do that?). The title 'Pink Houses' deserves credit. Here in Vietnam, you can't walk down a street without seeing a pink-fronted home, or go into a cheap motel with rose-pink walls. But in the USA, pink houses are hard to find. The man is MORE the poet than many so-called poets, and deserves, for 20 years of consistent rock'n'roll production, a nod into the Hall.

Is there anyone else who really plays Stones-inspired rock anymore? John's held the banner high.

--> Consider this:

John Cougar is not in the Hall, but BOB SEGER, ZZ Top, Jackson Brown (sacre bleu!), Santana, Jefferson Airplane and Billy Joel are.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Cat Ba Island, Vietnam

FBO: 'Pythons & Kajagoogoo in Hanoi's Outskirts'

IN its restless efforts to promote failed bands, FBO Admin accepted a recent invitation to attend a 'nightclub opening' in a far-flung district of Vietnam's capital, Hanoi, weaving on the back of a Quebecois photographer's bike which followed Vietnam's most famous 'python artist.' Mr Tong, a 40-something circus performer, wore a tight black shirt, black slacks and tan loafers -- he's been working with pythons for 16 years. 'It's the most important act of the circus,' he said at one traffic light, in English. 'Wait till you see the crowd go crazy tonight. I'm the big performer of the opening.' Thirty minutes later we pulled off a main road, and onto a new development's fringe, where -- reached by a red-lantern-lit sidewalk into a former field, was a booming outdoor courtyard packed with local families crouching at small plastic tables watching a 1-2-3 mix of performances. On stage was a guy wearing a 'Desperately Seeking Susan' jacket and untied fake Converse sneakers and sporting a Kajagoogoo hairstyle with bleached spikes, belting out vocals (and dance moves) to a pre-recording synth track. Some kids held their ears at the high notes.

We got ushered into the 'VIP room,' a FBO regularity. It was an open house to the side with a plain tiled floor, a few bamboo mats on the ground with a dad smoking a water pipe and some kids sitting around. In a corner was a simple bed, with a couple models applying more make-up before their dance peformance with a gay guy with fake red-leather pants with white fringe. Soon glasses of Hanoi Beer with giant block-chipped ice cubes floating in it were handed to us.

Mr Tong was getting ready. He had put on a leopard-skin headband, leopard-skin wrist bands, bicep bands stretched taut over his bulging muscle, and a single shoulder strap over his broad shoulders. I asked where the costume came from. 'This? I designed it,' he said. 'It's based on the Vietnamese legend of Tac San: a jungle man who saves a princess.' Is that something like Tarzan?, I asked, noting the similarity of the name. 'No, it's not Tarzan,' brushing the long tail of his full hockey-style mullet -- the only one I've seen in Vietnam. No sideburns in the way to stop his move.

A few minutes later Mr Tong jumped on stage to a 'Night at the Roxbury' soundtrack, clapping wildly. Out of a basket he pulled two giant pythons and wrapped them around him. Occasionally flexing, occasionally pointing to the audience Mick Jagger style, occasionally pulling unwilling and very frightened girls and boys -- maybe nine or ten years old -- out of the audience to drape pythons over their shoulders. Family members and other kids jumped up and down in their seats, clapping uncontrollably.

Mr Tong was a little more subdued after the performance. Wiping off sweat, he mentioned he'd been to New York before. 'I spent a week in Madison Square Garden with the Ringling Brothers,' he said. 'New York's great. It goes nonstop. I stayed up so late that month. Sometimes after 1am!!'

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Hanoi, Vietnam

FBO: 'NBA Banned'

IS ANYONE WATCHING THE FINALS ANYWAY?

So little in life leads to justice, so the FBO demands that a couple things provide it: sports and rock music.

When Robert Horry of the San Antonio Spurs body-checked Steve Nash into the boards during a recent NBA playoff game, Nash's teammate Stoudamire -- being a human -- jumped up to check on his teammate. NBA Commissioner David Stern -- who makes players dress in suits to go to games to de-gangsta the league -- suspended Stoudamire (the team, the Phoenix Suns, second-best player after Nash) along with the so-so provider Horry. The Suns lost the next game, then game seven on the road in San Antonio. The rule refers to players moving outside the designated 'bench' during an 'altercation.' It follows the famed Pacers/Pistons brawl that led to fists thrown in the stands. Stoudamire never ran toward Horry, never raised a fist or pushed a fly. Yet, the Suns were allowed to essentially give up the series due to David Stern's questionable literal take of the rule. (And never mind that the Spurs' best player, Tim Duncan, jumped onto the court following a rough foul two games earlier!)

Can justice be served? Well, the FBO roots for Cleveland Cavaliers to do, what seems, the impossible. It's not the Spurs fault of course, but no one really knows whether they could have beaten the Suns without the huge gift from the head of the NBA.

Meanwhile, we would like to remind FBO fans of the creed: 'people don't root for underdogs, only underdogs that win' as we refer to David Stern's latest target: OKLAHOMA CITY.

In a Yahoo Sports piece today, David Stern oohed at how much he wants the Seattle SuperSonics franchise to stay in that city that hates the team, despite Oklahoma City's high-hearted endorsement of a two-year temporary team, the New Orleans Hornets, and a stadium ready to put them in.

Stern says regarding the 'hopes' of keeping the Sonics in Seattle:


"I think it's just going to work itself out and I hope it does. It's been a good city for the NBA and we'd love to stay there."

Full story: http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news;_ylt=AuNOs3Qr2nsWTO7oensLZPy8vLYF?slug=ap-supersonicsfuture&prov=ap&type=lgns

The NBA is banned by the FBO until David Stern is FIRED.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Sapa, Vietnam

FBO: 'FBO-Sponsored Blog Details Vietnam'

FBO Admin directs FBO traffic this week to this site, which follows FBO member Robert Reid's investigatory trip through north and central Vietnam.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Hanoi, Vietnam

FBO: 'The Deconstruction of REM'

AN APOLOGY WOULD BE NICE
We've alluded to this before -- that REM was the USA's great alternative hope of the '80s, cordially bouting with Europe's own alternative hope, U2. The results are painfully obvious to see, for the American-centric music fans in us all: U2 by a KO.

Consider these facts:

REM made a few good albums -- 'Murmur' (1983), 'Reckoning' (1984), 'Fables of the Reconstruction' (1985), 'Life's Rich Pageant' (1986) **ed note: remember when bands made albums every year?** and debatably (very) 'Document' (1987). By their first major-label release, the patchy 'Green' (1988), REM lost its edge. By the still-enigmatic power-fuzzy 'Monster' (1994) the singles stopped being hits, and the band slid into horrible sludge it's never shown any sense of rebounding from.

Of REM's 12 or so studio albums, only four are very good. That means 66% of their original work has been questionable. In a 25-year career, 20 years are marred with suspicious output. That's a seriously unimpressive track record.

Why?

--> Mike Mills' Ego
The smart dork in the classroom, a Paul McCartney without the talent, suddenly found his confidence, right before the penultimate song in a fairly remarkable 'Unplugged' peformance for MTV in 1991. Michael Stipe said, before they started 'It's the End of the World As We Know It', something like 'we have one more song for you,' and the audience 'ahhhed'. Mike Mills chipped in: 'Oh, we can stop now if you like?' This generated much doting, polite laughter. And Mike Mills took note. By the time the awful 'Automatic for the People' came out, with burgeoned confidence, he had long bleached hair, was wearing cowboy suits, and his back-ups seemed even higher in the mix.

--> Michael Stipe's Ego
Stipe was his best when he was down in the mix, slurring his words, with lyrics that skirted the meaning -- leaving what he was talking about a 'best guess.' Compare the 'acid rain' anthem 'Fall on Me' (1986) with 'Everybody Hurts' (1992) which has about the subtlety of a punch to the groin. Somewhere, Stipe got his confidence -- we don't have the exact location but it likely involves a successful MTV awards or his bad haircut from the 'Green' tour.

--> Pete Buck's Laziness
Long a liar -- note the photo of him playing piano on the back of 'Reckoning' (1984), or hear his repeated claims that the next album 'doesn't have any guitar'; both lies -- Buck's worst offense is that he just doesn't try anymore. Take 'Everybody Hurts,' where he goes for a blues slow-pick to telegraph the 'sad' tone of the song's listeners. Where are the 'Seven Chinese Brothers'?

--> Departure of Bill Berry
REM's only infallible, almost critique-proof member -- Bill Berry -- left the band in 1997 after suffering a brain aneuryrsm. The band has never been the same.

If you think REM deserve props, and its recent induction into the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame, and believe REM is tops...

--> Compare U2's 'One' (1991) with REM's 'Everybody Hurts' (1992) -- The winner in these partner testaments to soaring emotion, 'One' is an anthem of reconciliation amidst differences, the other is included in mockery in movies and films when an over-sensitive character breaks down (eg The Simpsons, The Office (US), 'Bewitched').

--> REM copies Canada's great trio Rush on acid rain. Rush sung about it on songs like 'Distant Early Warning' in 1984. REM's 'Fall on Me' came out a year later.


The FBO asks either that REM apologizes for 'lacking luster' in the past 20 years -- seriously they had five good ones, and 20 dodgy ones -- OR to return the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame ribbon to Cleveland. Their choice, which.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Celebrating Global Warming & the Beatles (Part IV Cancelled)'

The fourth installment of this 'three- of four-part series of the FBO 'celebrating global warming' by listening to the Beatles and Wings has been cancelled.

FBO: 'In Anguish, Postpones FBO Panhandle Concert; In Hope, FBO Publicity Tour Kicks Off'

Due to a variety of reasons -- including lack of commitments from FBO's Top Fan as well as all FBO members -- the Panhandle Concert (previously scheduled for this October) has been postponed. 'The possibility of a panhandle show seems a bit diminished,' said Robert Reid Wednesday at a multi-tasking conference that also announced the start of a 'publicity tour' of the FBO in the Socialist Democratic Republic of Vietnam.

FBO will be touting its efforts -- and trying to garner press coverage for failed bands -- beginning in Hanoi on Friday, and then around the country.

Check back here for updates from the Vietnam tour.

FBO Admin/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Keith Richards' Performance'

How hard is it to make a good pirate movie, one wonders? With reluctance and a sense of being schmazzled by a timeshare pusher, FBO Admin broke the FBO ban of sequels and remakes to 'take in' Keith Richards' acting stint in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End.

The movie, needlessly complex and needless near three hours in length, brought in side stories and curses and supernatural crews throughout the trilogy -- I couldn't be bothered to care when I didn't exactly follow a story line. (It would be a lot better if the pirates didn't constantly die and come back to life, or ride in ghost ships... Where's a movie about real pirates, we must still ask?) The reason we're here is to see a big-screen version of the 'yo ho ho' ride from Disney World, and to see Jack Sparrow: Johnny Depp's best character, even if it is in one of his worst movies.

Looming late in the film (like the inevitable Kurtz figure perhaps), Keith -- who plays 'Mr Teague' and the knife-throwing keeper of the 'code' -- finally appears to bring in the huge codex book to settle a pirate dispute, shows Johnny the shrunken head of his mother, strums an acoustic till he breaks a string as pirates seem to forget the code again. In a memorable line, he says to Depp (his son in the film), 'It's not about how to live forever, but how to live with yourself.' Or something. He didn't exaggerate expressions to make a point, or smirk at the irony of his inclusion. Actually he seemed natural on screen (far more so than Mick Jagger -- who never seems comfortable in his skin unless he sees the 100,000 sets of eyes watching him). Depp, apparently, called him 'two-take Keith' on set, as he got everything quick. In the end, we all wanted more Keith. And it's too bad they didn't figure out a way to get him in there more.

Ratings (out of five peg legs):

The movie: one peg leg
Johnny Depp: four peg legs
Keith Richards: four peg legs


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Soccer's Case for US Hearts?'

The UEFA Champions Cup played today in Athens, with a relatively unsatisfying 2-1 victory of AC Milan over Liverpool. The FBO, who noted the flaws of the World Cup coverage last year (see here), would like to comment:

--> YOU'RE WELCOME MLS
Last year the biggest loser of the 2006 World Cup was the USA's struggling MLS soccer league, who only piggybacked on the big event with a sparing ad or two. This year, following FBO's advice last year (July 11), the MLS ran ads during the Champions Cup halftime period. Good thinking, guys. Even if it's a year late.

--> WHY DO BAD GUYS/FANS ALWAYS WIN?
The FBO could get into trouble for this, but it's hard to refute that Italy, taken generally, may have the most racist soccer fans in the world. Who can forget the Nazi swastika signs and 'monkey' banners shown to opposing black players in recent years*? Hoping for a small sense of justice, the FBO rooted against Italy in the World Cup -- though Italy got a phantom penalty kick to beat Australia, and beat France on penalty kicks in the final to win. Similarly this year, AC Milan -- enveloped in a match-fixing scandal last year -- shook off a potential inelgibility in this year's Champion Cup to win it. We know the players aren't guilty (though should solve it; see *), but is there really any justice in sports?

--> WHO'S REFFING THIS THING?
AC Milan's first goal bounced off a shoulder -- generally considered 'hands.' In the final minutes, with Liverpool vainly trying to rally for an equalizing goal, the refs announced three minutes of stoppage time, then called the game -- after at least 60 seconds of bonus time stopped for injury, substitutions -- after only 2:45 played. Come again? At least a minute remains unplayed. One wonders if Liverpool would've cashed in if the legitimate time had played on.

The FBO remains a huge barracker of soccer/football as a sport, but it's sad that two of the biggest displays to woo American audiences have been blemished a bit. Maybe the MLS -- with Beckham around the corner -- will do the trick.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

* The Full-Proof FBO Plan to Stop Racist Fans: Want these displays to stop? It can be done in 20 minutes. Arsenal/France player Thierry Henry started an awareness campaign on this -- putting the burden on fellow fans -- which is nice and applaudable, but can never work. Let the players solve it. Any home game where racist displays or chants are evident, have the home team forfeit. Simple as that. That'll get the good fans ONTO the bad ones quickly. Games CANNOT and should never be played with displays like the one pictured above (at a game in Italy).

FBO: 'Seeks Fun at No Fun'

CAN YOU BREAK MUSIC?

The New York Times ventured to Brooklyn's noise-music No Fun Festival this weekend and peppered Monday readers with apt descriptions of the four days of electronic-induced feedback as 'resembling the roar of pummeling surf from an underwater perspective' and 'relentless hissing sludge.' FBO Admin, invited by FBO #2 Fan Tom C-- of Connecticut, attended the opening on Thursday and continues the report to Failed Bands of Oklahoma fans.

Sonic Youth's Kim Gordon, playing with the Boredoms' drummer Yoshimi, had by far the most conventional set -- three improvised songs, with odd chords and moaned vocals lines, even touching on MoJo R-- with 'this is the end my friend' at the end. The rest of it -- including the 40-minute screeching end of monotonous feedback by 'Pain Jerk', a guy who looked like the lead guitarist of Cinderella circa 1987 and who had a guy pointing to him onstage, occasionally flipping off the crowd with both hands -- was a little noiser.

What caught FBO's eye is the pumping middle fingers and 'devil signs' -- a la Ronnie James Dio -- that saluted the three-piece Hair Police, a band of questionable haircuts and displaced rage, with a Jack Black-bodied bass player furiously yelling repeated words with fist pumps at odds with the screeching, nearly formless music. What drives us to acknowledge the devil, or our heavy metal hearts, with something distorted or unexplainable happens? Anyway, it wasn't bad.

Earlier, Hive Mind + Damion Romero played a low, 20-minute buzz, their faces barely visible between long locks of black hair and two large devices that looked, afar, like a 1950s operators' switchboard. On occasion, the guy with the longer hair and a beard rocked his head backward and took long, well-deserved sips from a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon that set atop the device. That was good. Something to look at.

Outside, in a common area in the back, a seated woman -- a local in the gritty waterfront neighborhood with limited public transport --- asked 20-somethings (mostly) to get off the exit ramp ('stay off the ramp, honey'), and flirters and 'noise nerds' (to quote Kim Gordon) ate sausages, drank beer and flirted between sets by the basement CD/tape/record displays below. The ID checker up front noted Tom C-- and I were both part of the '68 club' (born in 1968), as he was. After the show, they ushered people to the van to get to the 'train.'

--> www.nofunfest.com



Reporting from Red Hook, our civic duty fulfilled.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Billy Squier Begins the Begin'

UNFORGETTABLE FIREPLACE

Whilst living in London, this American occasionally got a ribbing at how much better British pop and rock stands up against American pop and rock. If you think about it, they have a point -- many many many of the biggies in this world (Beatles, Stones, Zeppelin, Who, Clash, Duran Duran, Wings, Adam Ant) are from the northerly isles off France. The USA has Velvet Underground, Dylan, the Ramones and the Outfield, and not a whole lot more than can stack up with the legends of All Time.

In the post-punk '80s, we may recall, the great race for respectability and un-solo-ed anthems set out between Ireland's U2 and Georgia's REM, with it too close to call by the time REM went major and jumped from IRS records to Warner Brothers. Then it all fell apart. REM's last two decades -- basically anything since 'Document' other than a few non-singles from 'Green' and maybe 'Lost My Religion' or throw-away 'Me in Honey' -- ranks up with the Stones' last couple decades for longest span of time with the least-inspired music. REM joined the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame this year, but they've flat-out sucked for a very very long time. U2 meanwhile has risen, with at least a single worth hearing every couple years.

Is the fight over?

No, says Billy Squier apparently. In yesterday's New York Times, the priceless story came out that fellow residents of the lux San Remo in Manhattan's Upper West Side are fighting over smoke rising from a handful of fireplaces in the building onto Bono's private terrace, where he and and his family occasionally drop water balloons -- Willis and Arnold-style -- onto sidewalk passerby way below.

Apparently fireplace-havers -- which include Billy Squier -- don't believe the smoke is entering Bono's living quarters. Bono does. The FBO is neutral on the fight here, but does have an issue with the New York Time writer who says Billy hasn't had a hit since 1984's 'Rock Me Tonight.' Who can forget the synth-spiked 'rocker' 'Don't Say You Love Me' from 1986, with the refrain 'don't say you love me, just say...HUHHHHH'?


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Non-Failed Band Records Album'

San Francisco's TENDER FEW -- featuring members of failed bands, including Robert Reid of Tall Tales, and Chip Dalby of Censored and TW-in-87 -- are busy finishing up a three-year project for a still-unnamed, dozen-tracked LP. FBO's 'Top Fan' -- Richard Jessejamese Trott -- previously played bass and Cars-like synth with the T-Few. The T-Few have considered playing the Oklahoma panhandle as part of a FBO performance. Be ready for the album, out this September.

See Rich Turgeon's drum-technician skills at www.tenderfew.com
Hear a song at www.myspace.com/tenderfew


FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- San Francisco, California

FBO: 'Celebrating Global Warming & the Beatles (III)'

This is the third installment of a three- or four-part series of the FBO ‘celebrating global warming’ by listening to the Beatles and Wings...

--> FOUR QUESTIONS

1) If you could have one Paul McCartney Beatles song, what would it be?
FBO believes many of Paul McCartney's songs are way overrated -- eg 'Let it Be' -- but enjoys several. If we at FBO HQ could have one, we'd go with 'Back in the USSR' -- about as subversive of a song that banged Paul ever dared. Borrowing (slightly dated already at the time) Beach Boys melodies -- and a Chuck Berry title ('Back in the USA') -- Paul puts it inexplicably in the Soviet bloc.

2) If you could have one Wings song, what would it be?
Guns'n'Roses already ruined 'Live and Let Die' -- not the best anyway -- and taking 'Band in the Run' would leave little Wings with very little. So FBO Admin goes, less damaging, with 'With a Little Luck.' In the FBO version, it'd be shortened to about three-and-a-half minutes, but keep the sissy synth all over it.

3) If you could have one John Lennon Beatles song, what would it be?
Here decisions are tougher. Many of the classics -- 'A Day in the Life,' 'In My Life,' even 'Come Together' -- are too firmly stuck in Beatlesness to be culled. Altruistically, FBO plucks the less-assuming 'I'm So Tired' from the so-called 'White Album.' It's 2:05 and goes from soft verses to explosive chorus in a Pixies-like flash.

4) If you could have one John Lennon solo song, what would it be?
'Mother' is the best -- a skeletal version of a song, with piano chords atop steady drums by Ringo and a little bass, is perfect for John's melodic 'I-I-I-I's and primal therapy that ends it (I might argue it's better than any Beatles song). But there's no way the song could be taken from him. Similarly songs like 'Cold Turkey' is too personal (he introduces the eight-minute version live: 'this song is about pain' and ends with minutes of screaming). Hokey, rousing 'Freeda People' -- from 'Mind Games' -- is tempting, but we'll go with 'Nobody Told Me There'd Be Days Like These, Strange Days Indeed, Most Peculiar Mama' -- it's not that good, and considering it didn't come out till after his death, taking it won't dent his solo career.



FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Hominy Indians World Champs of 1927'

A LITTLE BIT ABOUT OKLAHOMA FOOTBALL
This week author Sally Jenkins is releasing a new book called The Real All-Americans: The Team That Changed a Game, A People, A Nation -- about the Carlise Indian college, in Pennsylvania, where Jim Thorpe studied and all-Indian football teams regularly pummelled the top Ivy-league schools on the gridiron pitch of the day. This was surprising to many, as the players had no football experience and rarely broke 150 pounds. The team used reverses and misdirections and long passes to trick opponents. In a 1903 Harvard game, one player snuck the ball in an inside pocket of his jersey and raced undetected down the sideline. By 1912, the New York Times callled Carlisle 'the most perfect brand of football ever seen in America.'

Things changed by December 26, 1927 though. That year, the 'world champion' New York Giants visited Oklahoma and played the Hominy Indians -- a team led of players of various tribes, including the great John Levi, who Jim Thorpe called 'the best athlete' he'd ever seen. Playing in Pawhuska, Hominy won 13-7.

There was talk of the Indians moving to Tulsa and joining the NFL, but -- alas -- the Great Depression soon slowed down the football crazy of the '20s, and the team folded in 1932.

Carlisle never beat an NFL team. Only Hominy did.

Get a PDF of a 1967 Oklahoma Today article by Arthur Shoemaker on the Indians.

--> The FBO salutes the Hominy Indians


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ

FBO: 'Support for Theorem Rampant in Golden State'

THESE PEOPLE ARE LAME
You catch the Golden State game? FBO's theory that people do NOT necessarily like underdogs, but only underdogs who win, was backed up in a star-fangled furor last night, as non-North Californian stars poured into the likely win for Golden State over Dallas. Snoop Dogg -- who has cheered on USC and the Lakers in the past -- came upstate for court-side seats, as did Texan-born expats Owen Wilson and Woody Harrelson, plus SoCal's own Kate Hudson. Bandwagoning in sport has never seen such a shameless display.

The FBO is, nevertheless, happy about Golden State's series win over the NBA's best team of the regular season. But the FBO has always been a Golden State fan. Why?

--> Because Golden State is the only pro team not named for a city, state or region. It's named for a nickname.

This is worth noting. Can you imagine the NY Giants changing their name to the Empire State Cougars? The Steelers becoming the Keystone State Bulldogs? The KC Chiefs becoming the Show-Me State Riddlers?

The FBO also applauds Golden State for its baffling throw-back jersey -- the retro uniform emblazoned with 'The City' from the team's days in San Francisco. This is priceless for a variety of reasons -- the tenacity of San Francisco calling itself 'THE City' is super, not to mention a team named for a STATE nickname calling itself 'The CITY.' And, Golden State, we support you.

But we were supporting you when you were losing. Let's see how many stars are on your sideline if and when you're down 0-3 against Houston or Utah or Phoenix or San Antonio or Detroit and playing to avoid elimination... We, and the Temps, wish we could be there.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Best Canadian Province Flags'

Very simply, no place on earth has better flags than Canada. The maple-leaf national flag is a master of simplicity and many of its provincial flags show stunningly daring designs. Here are the best of Canada's provincial flags: Newbrunswick, Newfoundland & Labrador (super two-fer sliced and pasted together), Nunavut (possibly the best flag of all time), Northwest Territories











































FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY