FBO: 'Our Top Fan'

The FBO's biggest fan is Rich Trott, a brown-haired gentleman from San Francisco who runs his own collective The Palace Family Steakhouse. Mr Trott has provided a recent boost of energy in getting the 'panhandle show' done. 'Just set it up,' he says, 'And it'll come together.' Mr Trott has offered to play. We asked him a few questions about the FBO.

You've been voted the FBO's 'top fan' -- what do you like about it?
I like the Google ads near the top of the site.

What bands have you failed in?
Bands that I have personally failed in include Crystal Tears (fired after less than four weeks for sucking at my instrument, wearing a pink shirt to a gig, and having a haircut that made it look like I just got out of prison) and the Pride (fired for excessive passive-aggressive behavior like ignoring the fact that the band existed until the day of a show). You probably meant to ask what failed bands have I been involved with, but just because the band fails doesn't mean that I've failed. Sometimes, as Pee Wee Herman said, I meant to do that.

What upsets you most about the FBO?
Failure of the Oklahoma Panhandle show to materialize.

Why are you interested in an FBO show in the Oklahoma Panhandle?
Why would I not be interested in an FBO show in the Oklahoma Panhandle?

What's the most out-of-the-way show you've done?
Paducah, Kentucky, with the Slow Poisoners--also, one of the best and most satisfying shows I've ever played. Newman, California, is pretty out-of-the-way too, as is Fallon, Nevada.

Comments on the FBO logo?
The FBO logo is a little bit too sexy.

--> Feel free to post your own questions to Mr Trott here, and we'll ask him to respond.

Thanks Mr Trott.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Disappointed with New Jersey'

As travel writer, cartographic expert and architectural historian John SPE Spelman once said, 'Even Bruce Springsteen can't make New Jersey cool.' The state is famed for being the butt of jokes from some of its neighbors, particularly New York. It calls itself the 'garden state' but its top half is a smear of suburbs and industry, and the turnpike that crosses it -- used by travelers between NYC and Philadelphia or DC -- gets choked with traffic wanting out as quickly as possible. I've long defended New Jersey, but I won't be until they address an issue I noticed while stopping off en route to a FBO-publicity event in Georgetown, Delaware.

The men's restrooms at all turnpike rest stops, including one named James Cooper, clearly want men to see each other's penises. The wall-free urinals jut out from the wall like a toilet, unecessarily. Men cannot 'crowd the porcelain', as the popular privacy-embracing technique is called. Instead they must stand two feet from the wall, about mid-way down in the toilet hall of the busy bathroom. The absence of privacy walls leads one to believe New Jersey wants this inevitably voyeuristic exercise to happen. A Google search on 'urinal models' couldn't find one as irrational in its first 80 finds. Meaning New Jersey really SOUGHT OUT such irrational urinals. Why?

Urinals are meant to hang from walls, Trenton!

The FBO will not pursue activities in New Jersey until this issue has been solved.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Spots Some Geniuses'

NOT THE BAND
It's important to gauge the beating heart of the ultra-insider, indie-rock world on occasion. Recently FBO Admin attended such an event, a free show double-billing Beirut and Deerhoof at Brooklyn's McCarren Pool. The outdoor 'pool party' welcomed thousands with big shades, half-way beards, ironic t-shirts, who came to hear various levels of challenging indie rock, plus slip-n-slide on a giant slide or play dodgeball.

San Francisco-bred Deerhoof is a trio fronted by a small Japanese woman (Satomi Matsuzaki) and featuring possibly the greatest drummer in rock'n'roll (Greg Saunier), who plays a tiny two-piece set with alarming effect. The stop-n-start songs spaz along, defying co-dancing for more than 12 consecutive bars, yet remain catchy with the shrill vocals of absurdist lyrics ('dog on the sidewalk... dog on the sidewalk... I SEE' or 'come...see...the...duck' etc), used more as an instrument.

Beirut is a more contrived band, fronted by a 20-year-old guy who noticed that 'gypsy music' might be cool in the indie-rock setting. We applaud their t-shirts, which showed a circa-1980 illustration of a Czechoslovakian town labelled in cursive 'Beirut.' Lots of horns and bellowing vocals. Not FBO Admin's taste necessarily.

THE GENIUSES
During Deerhoof's show, FBO Admin spotted geniuses. Four backstage VIPs set up directly behind the stage, standing as visibly as possible while still carefully slouching against a red-brick wall. Shades on. Flirting. Party dress. Black denim contrasting acely with the red. Whispering comments -- probably about the artwork for their next show's flyer; they must be in a band -- and lazily clapping after songs, prompted by the thousands of fans before them doing the same. (Note photograph carefully -- mindful of other on-stage 'VIP' spectators siiting in the shade, tucked nearly out of view to the left.)

The FBO feels a mix of emotions from their 80s-style tenacity -- something straight out of a backstage-set video by Poison or Warrant in 1988. It's both contemptuous, highly self indulgent and yet strangely compelling.

The FBO awards these four people, and particularly the two bandmate guys, the status of GENIUS for their display in the full gaze of Williamsburg, the designated coolest neighborhood of North America.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

Photo credit: Tom Caw, of Connecticut

FBO: 'Who Won Super Bowl I?'

Fact: North Carolina and Ohio hate each other and have been fighting over their respective links to the Wright Brothers' historic flight from 1903. North Carolina -- where Putt Putt was invented, Blackbeard settled with his 14th wife, Michael Jordan was born -- has long adopted 'First in Flight' as its motto, adorning its sky-blue and white license plates; Ohio rebutted with 'Birthplace of Aviation,' as the Wright Brothers designed and built their planes, and made early experiments in their home in Dayton.



Who's right?

Consider this question: who won Super Bowl I in 1967 when the Green Bay Packers defeated the Kansas City Chiefs, 35-10? Green Bay? Well, if you support North Carolina, you are WRONG. Because the game was arbitrarily held in Los Angeles, LA then 'won' Super Bowl I. Per North Carolinian reasoning, Dallas and San Francisco and Chicago and New York and Denver and Green Bay and Pittsburgh have NEVER won the Super Bowl, while New Orleans has won eight titles, Los Angeles six, San Diego three, Houston two, even Minnesota, Arizona and Detroit have won one.

According to North Carolina the achievement has NOTHING to do with the players/teams/engineers/bicycle-repairmen on the field, but the setting of the field. Green Bay won in LA? LA is the champion. Einstein figured out E=MC[squared] in Phoenix? Phoenix is the genius. Britain defeats Napoleon at Waterloo? Thus BELGIUM conquers France. JFK is assassinated in Dallas? Forget Oswald or your conspiracy theories, TEXAS killed the president.

The Wrights only picked Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, from the recommendation of the US Weather Bureau. They were, paraphrasing here, 'looking for a lonely, sandy, windy place where no one will be in the way and nothing's going on -- not the sort of place we'd ever really want to spend time on our own.' The WB immediately replied, 'North Carolina.

--> The FBO sides with Ohio on this. The FBO encourages North Carolina to change their license plate, state motto immediately -- phasing out all old ones by mandate. Perhaps they could focus on the natural beauty of the state or Blackbeard.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Favorite Failed League'

This week the NFL is celebrating its new commissioner, and ESPN I'm told is making a nod at the 25th anniversary of the death of the wonderful USFL league that featured the Oklahoma Outlaws, but the FBO's favorite failed league is the ABA. The American Basketball Association played hoops with a red-white-and-blue ball in the colorful period between 1967 to 1976, including players like Julius Erving and Moses Malone and teams like the Kentucky Colonels and Dallas Chaparrals.




The ABA folded with some teams being incorporated into the NBA -- eg San Antonio Spurs, Indiana Pacers, NY Nets, Denver Nuggets -- but we particularly applaud those who refused to move to the NBA, such as the Pittsburgh Condors and Virginia Squires. We encourage you to learn more at from this fan site.



Please contribute to this week's poll -- your favorite failures in sports.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Rule on Listening to Music'

ON OCCASION music listeners are so enamored with a song -- say an Oasis one -- they cannot stop listening to it. Three, five, eight times in a row. A rule is needed: don't stop. The moment you start to censor or limit your rotation, the enamoring dies, and dies quickly. It's better to take 'Wonderwall' and just kill it.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Failure Growing in Importance'

FAILURE is a growing part of our culture, our life. No where is this more obvious than in the growing trend seen in the past half-decade in TV commercials. About half are 'promoted' by 'misfits' and ironic heroes, such as the patronizing use of pudgy ethnic men (eg Indian) with moustaches and thick glass lenses and the inability to articulate sentences, sometimes standing helplessly before 'product' with the buzz of a fluorescent light bulb in the background. Another recent ad campaign -- of a bald man with glasses -- is holding for some service's telephone customer service -- having to say his password ('big boy') on a train just before he goes under a tunnel and loses the connection.

Advertising and marketing departments are banking that you will LAUGH at these people.

The new Red Stripe campaign is the biggest failure of all. It's a failed attempt at 'failure for irony' ad. In it, unlikely things happen -- a dorky guy oohs over the bare feet a man stretched out on a table. A presumably Jamaican man with a big smile appears in an all-white suit and proclaims 'creepy foot doctor: bad... hooray beer!' while holding a bottle of Red Stripe. It does not work on any level. In another he consoles a man sitting peacefully. 'You are very ugly.' Then hands him a Red Stripe. 'Now you are beautiful.... hooray beer!' It's possibly revolutionary failure, or a bad director who doesn't 'get' the failure aesthetic. The FBO suspects the latter.

For the moment, a definition is needed. There are three types of failure: Failing at earnest desires to do well (as shown by FBO members in their initial incarnations), failing on purpose to create humour ('big boy' commercial), and failing at failing on purpose to create humor (Red Stripe).

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Women Conquer 2006 Pop'

The best three songs of 2006 so far, per FBO's limited ear-scope, are sung by women.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs, 'Cheated Hearts'
Second LP by the NYC trio is a step above their first. Unlike the White Stripes' self-destructive tendency to keep the pared-down drums/guitar set-up with minimal/no overdubs on record, the Yeahs fill out their drum/guitar set-up with little extras to make listening to the album a bit less hollow. Singer Karen O looks like the child of Joey Ramone and Chrissie Hynde, and she effortlessly offers new hooks with her stand-out clipped voice. 'I think I'm bigger than the sound,' she calls out. Yes.

The Pipettes, 'Your Kisses Are Wasted On Me'
Again, the UK's pop industry remains miles ahead of the USA's. This poppy singles-oriented band of three rather dorky women conjures up Vandellas and other fun synchronized finger-pointing musicians of the early 60s. This song, here-and-gone in 2:11, mixes a B-52s/Kate Pierson soaring chorus with a sassy interjection by the verse singer.

Cat Power, 'Willie'
Some critics are after Cat for her latest album, The Greatest, but the FBO considers it her best. Best is 'Willie,' with its elusive lyric story and faintly syncopated vocal delivery that seems informed by rap via Stephen Malkmus. Unlike some indie kings -- like Malkmus -- Cat is figuring out how to stay relevant in her late 30s. Maybe that's what talent is. We also like 'Living Proof,' and if you can understand its implications towards religious tensions -- as implied by the video where Cat in a jumpsuit holding a crucifix races against women in hijabs -- please let us know.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Embracing Failure is Positive Gesture'

RECENTLY a prospective candidate band for FBO Member #005 scoffed the idea of membership, saying being in a 'failed band' collective is 'too negative.' It's worth talking about why such a collective is not negative, but the opposite.

1. WHO SAYS FAILING IS BAD? Conditioned by 'good guy winning' cartoons and some rewritten nurseries where the pigs are NOT eaten, it's hard for some of us to see the glory in Nebraska's football team going for two points and losing the national championship to Miami in 1984. But is Coach Tom Osbourne bad for choosing not to tie? And is it negative to remember that the two-point conversion failed?

2. WE APPLAUD CREATIVITY. In an era when Hollywood films are content to keep as many as possible new multi-million-dollar projects with things that are 'familiar' -- ie sequels to previous successes, remakes of previously successful films or TV shows, or biopics of celebrities who succeeded in various media -- even a failure at something new, totally new, should be applauded. In life, it is far easier to listen to your copy of 'She Sells Sanctuary' than go write a song about trans-gendered apes. These failed bands, and others, deserve recognition for not staying at home or going to parties and listening to the Cult.

3. WE ARE NOT DEAD. A band that stopped playing, with little or no ongoing record of their production is ultimately a dead band. In fact, they quit. Failed bands, in this forum, are NOT dead, but have resurrected -- unquit themselves -- and have a chance to reach new audiences and even create new art. It's hard to think of anything more positive. Unlike a high-school reunion, where guests laugh about the distant past, the FBO encourages new projects.

The FBO issues a challenge to those who think this collective is negative. Please come up with some means of pooling quit bands, dead bands that is more honest and more constructive and more positive than the FBO. And we will bow to your success, if you can do it. We'd love to!

Until then, the FBO remains ready to grow. We accept all failed bands -- anyone, everyone. As long as you failed.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Is it OK to Go to a High-School Reunion?'

HOT FREAKS & REUNION RULES

Probably no other event in our life is a more apt forum for gaging failure/success in an unapologetically, guilt-free nostalgic environment than high-school reunions. Recently FBO Admin and a couple FBO members attended a 20-year high school reunion for a graduating class of half a thousand. Here are a few FAQs and FCPs (frequently cited problems) of high-school reunions that FBO will simplify for you.

Should I go to my high-school reunion? Yes (depending on your class size -- smaller schools might be more painful). If you have a need to 'go home' for visiting purposes, or live in the area, missing one (at least) is like going to Niagara Falls and not seeing the water. Might as well. There's nothing to lose. If the pricks are still pricks, or the hotties sporting new facelifts, or the jocks holding onto the glory days in letter jackets, so be it. But you'll never have a chance to enter a room with some many personalities from your life long ago. It may be superficial, but it's like time travel. Plus you get to see who got fat.

What should I wear? Let's start by saying what not to wear. Unless you have eye problems or your name rhymes with Tory Part you should NOT wear sunglasses at night. And there's no possible excuse for shirts unbuttoned half way to the navel (wiht no under shirt). Several FBO members had this treat on Saturday, with an unironic MC calling shots as if on a particularly far-reaching SNL skit. Its gawl still sinking in two days later. A reunion is probably not the occasion to make statements. Wear what you wear at Thanksgiving, but 'summer it up' a bit. For some that's a tie-free day at a bank or mixers at the yacht club, others it's vintage Nightranger muscle tees. But unless your name rhymes with Tory Part don't wear sunglasses at night.

Should I listen to the band? No. And perhaps there shouldn't be one. No matter how good they are, reunions are not about 'rocking.' A DJ can pump out the '80s hits for you to help set the background for a nostalgic mood, spur on conversations about Huey Lewis concerts. Recently, FBO members witnessed a put-together quartet of people attending a reunion. Side-by-side expensive guitars lined the stage, and the band -- named for a school endeavor for the event -- treated it as a 'gig' to land shows in bars in the area. They finished with a 1986 classic, but peppered the set with early 21st-century heavy-alternative anthems, played loud enough to make soccer moms' noses bleed. They were good, but so what? The singer -- two wrist bands on his strumming arm, unbuttoned shirt over a Jim Morrison t-shirt, and two gold necklaces tight around his neck -- complained after a compliment, 'Yeah, but no one was watching us.' Yes, they were here to talk and mingle and reveal crushes and ask about jobs or children they'll never see.

I'm on the planning committee for my reunion, where should we hold it? Why not see if you can at your high school? The FBO members' recently shelled out several dozen dollars each to go to dark casino banquet hall, with a mezzanine bar area looking over the loud slots. Cash (or open) bars are a good way to break the ice, but why not rent out the high-school gym, have punch and cake, and -- just like the good ol' days -- sneak in your own liquor?

Will I score? If you are available and looking for love, don't look for it at a 20th-anniversary high-school reunion. Tenth maybe. At 20, it's about the saddest thing imaginable, and so many people there are not doing the same. If it happens, well good for you.

I used to be mean to a few people, should I apologize? Hopefully they've gotten over it, but it might be nice to just say 'hi' and see how they're doing. If you want to apologize, that's OK, but don't do it with an audience that puts the sad freak in for some public scorn once again. Also, it's really lame to resort to 20-year-old jokes though and subject a few people to the same abuse. If you see someone doing it, it's your job to intervene and stop it -- these incidences are rare, however.

Will the cool kids finally give me a chance? Probably not. If you're looking for redemption at not being in the 'in' crowd, it's not really going to happen unless you've done something amazing the past 20 years. People are really there to see who they knew way back when. Don't take it personally.

Are pricks still pricks? Almost always.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Tulsa, OK

FBO: 'July's Entertainment-Alternative Planner'

FUN, FUN, FUN?
Clerks II is out, Pirates of the Caribbean II is swabbing decks, Superman Returns is fizzling, Miami Vice is looming. It's going to be a busy summer of popcorn-eating and movie-going, right? Wrong.

The FBO urges you to S K I P - T H E M - A L L .

The FBO continues its voluntary ban, in an effort to promote a more stimulating and creative Hollywood film industry, any movie that banks on the 'familiar' -- bio-pics, TV show, sequels.

--> Four July back-ups for your entertainment fix:

See 'A Scanner Darkly' Since his Slackers debut, Richard Linklater has always been interesting, and Keanu Reeves might finally do something to shed the 'bogus' rep he has from his 'Bill & Ted' origins in the cartoony take on the Philip K Dick book. Apparently Dick's real-live family was so pleased with Reeves they gave him a long-held copy of the manuscript. Quite a gift.

See the World's Largest Amateur Rodeo It's hosted in Pawhuska July 18-23. Hopefully we'll have some coverage posted here next week.

Contribute in the FBO's Communal Review of 'The American Outback.' Read The American Outback: The Oklahoma Panhandle in the Twentieth Century, Richard Lowitt's new essay covering the FBO's favorite piece of land, and post a review here for the FBO Communal Review of the book. Anytime before the end of the month. The review will be posted August 1.

Make a wicker basket People knock it, but it's a skillful CRAFT that takes time and thought to replicate. Baskets make great gifts and Arbor Day is around the corner.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'World Cup 2006 Fails the Case for Soccer in the USA'

WILL THE 'NEXT HOCKEY' BE LACROSSE?

EVERY FOUR YEARS soccer makes a case to be a relevant sport, a great one, one that should at least surpass hockey in the minds of most Americans, with the exposure to the World Cup. This year soccer failed. More so than in any World Cup in recent memory.

This year's 64-game tournament, held in Germany, just finished with Italy's anti-climatic penalty kick win over France (and the much-talked about head-butt by French captain Zinedine Zidane), most games it seemed were one-goal games, with the goal coming off a controversial penalty kick (like Italy's iffy call over Australia in a second-round, 93rd-minute 1-0 win), or aid of player ejections that seemed extreme (like the USA's two reds against Italy), and continous dives to call fouls for free kicks (France's win over Spain in the second round came off a non-foul foul).

Bad TV
American TV announcers didn't help. Constantly criticizing the referees is something that works when you're going after the BCS' burps for an audience that truly understands college football. But 'analysts' this time -- like goateed, long-haired Marcelo Balboa -- pulled no punches on the refs, only confirming some budding soccer fans' beliefs that the sport is unexciting or flawed. Rarely will you see more negative coverage (though it may be justified). One announcer, during an Iran game, inappropriately politicized it, by constantly referring to Iran's politics, then even pointed out the 'chill' of seeing an event in the Nuremberg stadium where Nazi rallies had once been held. TV coverage likes to promote story lines in games, and their (convincing) adoration for three or four games straight of French captain Zidane unravelled when he head-butted an Italian player 20 minutes into overtime. He got the red card, and the rest of the game felt stained.

Doesn't the USA have a soccer league?
Most enigmatically, the American soccer league, MLS, seemed to care less that the world's favorite tournament was on during their season. They didn't suspend games, and only made ONE advertisment in 64 games to signal that 'hey, American soccer happens every year... you can watch it now.' They should have at least advertised during US, Mexican, Brazilian and English games. If the New York Red Bulls can, purportedly, afford to pay David Beckham $100 million to play in the USA, SOMEONE should have the money for a few ads. They really missed an opportunity.

Teams were not 'beautiful'
Over-hyped favorite Brazil -- they never play well in Europe -- never gelled on the field. The 'world's team' were never much to see, and they fell in the semi-finals to France 1-0. The Americans, particularly coach Bruce Arena, got bitter from their first-round exit, something TV coverage zeroed in on, like ESPN analyst Eric Wynalda -- a former player -- giving sharp critiques at Arena at every break. Only Italian fans are satisfied with Italy's play in the final. They held out for a post-overtime shoot-out, where their 6'4" goalie had a huge advantage over France's. The 'beautiful game' was a little plain this time.

Wasn't 2002 great?
Recent Word Cups have done a better job. In 2002 co-host South Korea surpassed expectations and the US team came a non-call hand ball in the penalty box from getting pass finalist Germany in the second round. In 1998, host France shocked favorite Brazil 3-0 in the final, and Mexico had some inspired last-second wins to rally around. In 1994, the USA hosted the event, only lost to the winner Brazil in the second round 1-0, and underdog Bulgaria made it to the final four.

FBO's suggestions for World Cup 2010

--> a) never let a final game be settled by penalty kicks; let teams earn a new sub per every 20 or 30 minutes played in overtime, and go until someone scores; it's better entertainment, and it provides a more satisfying victor
--> b) check replays for ANY penalty kick awarded or red card given; these game-changing plays occurred too much in 2006; the field is so big that it's hard for a ref on it, or two on the sidelines to see what was a dive and what wasn't
--> c) MLS needs to think of how to market itself AT ALL during any World Cup
--> d) TV coverage should stop talking story lines during every break and compile a World Cup overview videos to explain tournament history to people who don't know it (yes! Uruguay won it twice!!), with some of the great goals and controversies on video
--> e) never ever politicize the event

Unfortunately for those Americans who haven't seen the 'beautiful game' when it's beautiful, soccer felt like a game of cheats, dives, ugly defense, and bad refs. A pity.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO Question: 'Did Sting End the Cold War?'

THREE MONTHS after Mikhail Gorbachev became the General Secretary of the Communist Party in the USSR in March 1985, English pop musician Sting released his solo debut The Dream of the Blue Turtles, which included the hit single 'Russians.' In the next couple years, Gorbachev revolutionized the Soviet system, encouraging a policy of 'openness' (or glasnost) that led to a freer media to attack the government, and an economic 'restructuring' (or perestroika), which accidentally paved the way toward the fall of the USSR. The Cold War's first steps toward ending began, then, around the time of the release of Sting's stoic 'Russians.' Clearly Gorbachev was listening.

Though melodically flat, Sting's lyric held no punches. Take this in:

'In Europe and America
There's a growing feeling of hysteria
Conditioned to respond to all the threats
In the rhetorical speeches of the Soviets
Mr Krushchev said ''We will bury you''
I don't subscribe to this point of view
It would be such an ignorant thing to do
If the Russians love their children too'



Despite Sting's fascination with Soviet quotes that dated (at the time) three decades, it seems clear Sting played a compelling part in ending the Cold War.

It's up to our viewers to vote whether Sting deserves a Ribbon of Merit. Please let us know what you think.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Adopts the Trabant'

The East-German Trabant, a two-cycle car that was originally intended to be a 'family motorcycle,' became one of the longest surviving cars in automotive history. Its design -- covered with a plastic-like substance (not 'cardboard compressed' as some say -- was a legacy of embargoes opposed from steel plants in Western Germany against Soviet bloc countries. Its engine, its look hardly changed from 1957 till the car was discontinued in 1990.


In the FBO's recent press trip to Bulgaria and Romania, FBO Admin found that old Trabants could be purchased in Bulgaria for as little as US$100.

We think the endurance of the Trabant, despite the odds, is roughly symbolic to the Failed Bands of Oklahoma's plight -- to garner press, to play shows, to continue creating music, to ban movies like 'Superman Returns.'

In other news, here's the FBO Admin's World Cup picks:

Germany over Argentina, 2-1
Italy over Ukraine, 3-0
England over Portugal, 2-1
Brazi over France, 2-0


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'New Incarnation of #002 Changes Name'

NAME GETS CHOPPED

Eric Harmon, formerly of The Cant or Cinder Biscuits (together making up FBO Member #002), has let us know that the new incarnation of those bands -- Chop Shop -- has changed its name to Gear Test. We asked why:

'Well, the name geart test was going to be the name of the EP -- but kept loathing the name chop shop for various reasons -- it was a little too metal, a club in okc called chop shop. Every mom'n'pop motorcycle shop this or that side of the pecos had one.

I was talking to the boys about it for months, until i just changed it on My Space. It was our "url" all along anyway -- just seemed right. A good time to do it before we released any "actual" product.'

FBO Admin
Temp/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Alternates to Superman Returns'

THREE SUPERHEROES TO CONQUER OLD ONES

Because of the FBO-initiated ban on cinema's troubling tendency toward sequels, remakes and biopics, the FBO reminds you to skip Superman Returns, which is released June 28.

Alternates include:

Nacho Libre Rarely do Hollywood summer comedies base themselves in Mexico, feature a cast composed of almost entirely unknown Mexican actors, and follow the exploits of a Mexican tradition, such as wrestling. Plus it's very funny. The FBO loves Nacho Libre.
World Cup Over three billion people tuned into the 2002 final (this Cup's final is scheduled for July 9), compared to about 60 million world-wide clicking on the Super Bowl. It's the world's biggest sporting event and worth the hype.
Blue Rose Rocket Our favorite Oklahoma Panhandle band (shown above) is made up of two kids and a gray-ponytailed lead guitarist. Stay tuned for an interview (if they answer our emails). Meanwhile, buy their album and listen to it.

FBO to Hollywood: 'Superman Never Again'


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Applauds the Band that Refuses to Fail -- California's Slow Poisoner'

POISON (LABORIOUSLY ADMINISTERED) GARNERS HOPE

Andrew Goldfarb, aka Slow Poisoner, is a surrealistic one-man band from San Francisco. The band once had five people, then two, not just one. Songs include the post-911 tribute 'Days of the Soft Break' and a new one called 'Flaming Creatures (of Rock & Roll)' -- click here for the download, and other SP info. SP takes songs like these on the road to very unsual out-of-the-way venues. Not many San Franciscan musicians consider playing Lubbock for instance. Here's our virtual chat transcript.

The band size keeps falling. Why do you refuse to fail?
I also refuse to succeed. Eventually I hope to kick me out of the band too, but still perform, as a shadow of my former self, strumming an air guitar.

The FBO applauds your choice of playing shows at places like Lubbock and Wichita. Why do you play such out-of-the-way places?
Lubbock is the birthplace of the Legendary Stardust Cowboy (www.stardustcowboy.com). Reason enough! And Glen Campbell's "Wichita Lineman" is what's driving me to Kansas:


I am a lineman for the county
and I drive the main roads
searching in the sun for another overload
I hear you singing in the wire
and I can hear you through the whine
and the Wichita lineman is still on the line

Plus, there's a venue there called "Kirby's Beer Hall."

You mention on your website that all but three people hated you at one show in Georgia. Metal fans apparently. What did they say, and what did you say?
Our communication was non-verbal: they started square dancing ironically, and I responded by square dancing sincerely.

Thanks to SP.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, New York

FBO: 'Bringing Joy to its Readers'

The FBO searches all corners of the globe to bring happiness to failed bands and fans of failed bands.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Los Angeles, California

FBO: 'Tributes 6-6-06 With Failed Fake Metal Band'

ANOTHER ONE THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT
In honor of 6-6-06, and the FBO celebrates FBO Member #001 Tall Tales' spin-off heavy metal band THE BILL WYMANS. The short-set 'band' played a few times in 1990 and 1991, usually 'opening' for Tall Tales when no other bands were available.

Danny Fallis told us that the BWs were born from an impromptu 'jam period' that led to four new 'non Tall Tales sounding songs' in a few hours. 'We had a show coming up and we tried to figure out how to incorporate them into our set list,' Fallis says. 'I remember leaving the stage, taking a shot of something, putting on a wig and PJs, and they whole band ran back onstage proclaiming to be the Bill Wymans.' Alan Hiserodt added, 'It was a gag to do at Rome [a former club in Norman that once hosted the New Kids on the Block] too. We finally got a headline gig there, but no opening band. So we opened for ourselves.'

The short set-list ressurected an old song from pre-Tall Tales days called 'Streets of Hell,' a cover of the Scorpions' 'Rock You Like a Hurricane' and a few new songs including 'Let Me Play Your Sex Organ' and the band's favorite, a ballad called 'I Want You Inside Me.'

The Bill Wymans faded after a few shows. Hiserodt explained, 'We had opening bands, so we had no need for the BWs at that point.' But Fallis disagreed, 'Who said they're dead? They could come back like all bands do. I'm thinking sometime around 2008.'

Tall Tales picked the name because Bill Wyman was a 'womanizing bassist.' Something the band was very familiar with.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Pre-release of Oklahoma Gazette Feature'

Many FBO fans remember that FBO's Mobile HQ was contacted by the Oklahoma Gazette a couple months ago. So far the virtual interview hasn't made an appearance in the publication, so we thought we'd allow fans to get a 'preview' of the actual transcript -- in its rare, unedited format.

Sent on April 7, 2006, from FBO's Mobile HQ in Cluj-Napoca, Romania:


Oklahoma Gazette: What inspired this blog?
FBO Admin: I don't know where to begin. It neatly matches the point of life I'm at -- a merger of travel, resurrecting past dreams for no other purpose than a better substitute to television, and adding unnecessary monikers and bureacracy to things like failed bands. So it's kinda personal. I've always enjoyed watching bands that were OK, maybe bad, more than 'real' ones to succeed. There's nothing interesting, to some degree, in watching .38 Special. They were a successful band, they made some (debatably) catchy songs, with beards. OK. But a band that DID NOT make it makes you ask why. Makes you sit and ponder everything. You actually hear the skeleton of music, of lyrics, of band logos MORE SO when you look into things that, for a variety of fair/unfair reasons FAILED.

What has the response been?
I'd like more. But we have four bands that said 'yes, we failed, we want in' -- Tall Tales, Soul Shaker, The Cant/Cinder Biscuits and Asylum. I'm trying hard to get outside our immediate circle. I'd love nothing more than a failed Alabama-knock off from Wagoner in 1982. A Run DMC from Midwest City. A Stryper from Ponca. We're just starting. A cartoonist in Bulgaria said he'd make a cartoon of FBO HQ. I'd love to internationalize it if possible. Then maybe failed magicians are next... Anyway, I feel this is the point where I'm trying to get people involved in something that COULD be big, COULD be interesting. I'm certain it will. So I keep at it to 'create a back log' so that when interest comes, there will be something to show.

What does celebrating a failed band achieve?
Celebrating a failed band is a celebration of your own dreams. The FBO represents you, the average person. I mean it.

Do you feel as though any currently active bands can take lessons from those that have failed?
Certainly could. At least some things not to do. But I don't care too much about helping them. Let them fail/succeed on their own. Best of luck. However, I pencilled in a 'panel discussion,' perhaps during the panhandle shows, or as a 'live feed' at a Norman cafe, from FBO members across the state, where discussions and topics like this can be addressed. Actually, to be really honest, I'd say that none of us failed. We went out and made stuff. DIY art. Songs, lyrics, stage props, programs, album covers, flyers, promotion, management... It's quite an achievement to even have failed. I'm as proud of the bands I've failed in as anything I've done. I mention it in every job interview I've been in...

Could you elaborate a bit upon the slated "Panhandle Tour"?
I think this is the crux of the FBO. Oklahoma mainland rarely considers its panhandle. I'd seriously like the state to start a festival, a movement, a march, a day -- to acknowledge the panhandle. We so rarely do. And without it Oklahoma would look pretty Connecticut-like and dumb on a map. Plus having failed bands playing Guymon or Oklahoma Panhandle State University (they're interested, I've asked), can you imagine? A 'Last Waltz' of the unheralded? Doing a warm-up acoustic show atop Black Mesa for no one? Is there anything better than that?


FBO Admin
Temp/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, New York