FBO: 'Loser of the Week: Navy football'

In line with the FBO creed, the FBO would like to introduce a new weekly feature, 'The Loser of the Week' -- designed to highlight admirable performance and verve during performances that fail.

Last Thursday, the Navy Midshipmen played football at Rutgers and surprised many of the Scarlet Knights with an actual game. Rutgers, presently overrated in the teens of the AP poll, pulled away in the fourth quarter. Not used to winning or ranking (or football, for many of the fans), Rutgers has done a lot to promote its (overrated) running back Ray Rice, by actively campaigning for the Heisman Trophy, given to the year's most outstanding player. A video reel is shown at Times Square, for instance.

When the game was out of reach, Rutgers kept Rice in. He had a hard day versus Navy, fighting for every two or three yard run, which often ended with a golden Navy helmet hitting him in the chest. Particularly towards the end. He was kept in for a last-second meaningless TD to pad his statistics. Navy coach said, "I was hoping he wouldn't get hurt in the last four or five minutes with them up 14 points."

Fans -- apparently clueless that their 'star' runner was needlessly in a physical game -- then booed Navy who, down by 17, called time outs with seconds left to try to get more points. That's losing right.

We applaud Navy for showing no quit, even when the game's over.

Rutgers fans are banned from FBO activities, including use of this website.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Promotional Video from Transylvania'

This promo video was shot in June 2006 in Deva, Hunedoara and Sibiel -- three Transylvanian towns with a fondness for music in all its forms.



FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'September is Video Month!'

FBO Reaches the Black Sea: February 2006

Some Kansan doubters have speculated that the Failed Bands of Oklahoma publicity trips to places like Siberia, Romania, Bulgaria, Mexico, Vietnam and Delaware have been rigged. Not so.

This month, the FBO will roll out short videos documenting publicity work in various locales.

This one-minute short comes from a winter trip to Varna, Bulgaria -- a city fond of its Black Sea coastline, even during in February's snows. Enjoy:





FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Shape Talk'

LAST GLIMPSE AT MEXICAN OKLAZONA
This November, Oklahoma turns 100. As the state readies itself for an overblown 'gala' in downtown OKC and first capital Guthrie stages little dances and costumed walk-arounds, it's worth looking at how STUPID the United States of America LOOKED during is under-/over-grown days of awkward adolescence...

...which ended when Oklahoma became a state in 1907.

Note this map, circa 1900:



Now focus JUST on the red parts. That's your country a century ago. Can't really brag at international symposia with a shape like that.

(However, if Arizona, New Mexico and Oklahoma -- all US territories at the time -- had broke off to become their own nation, 'Mexican Oklazona,' it would easily be the best nation shape in the world.)

--> The Failed Bands of Oklahoma would like to thank Oklahoma for contributing to the United States of America's more logical shape.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Dissecting Iowa State's New Helmets'

The Iowa State Cyclones, a football team searching out an identity, is bringing back its retro '70s cardinal colors and putting up three options for its 2007 helmets for fans to choose. Neat idea. But then again, looking at the choices, does it really matter? Three iffy choices -- why not see what the fans will like, that way maybe they'll buy more merch and go to games?

Well, we'll play along.

All three helmets go with simple white -- a very retro call in the ever-growing trend toward charcoal, black or ultra-reflective helmets to stress how macho the team is. THE FBO ENDORSES THE DECISION. The three styles are all from the same ilk -- simple gold and cardinal logos with 'ISU,' 'I-State' or a cursive 'Cyclones.' The latter is a no-go. Cursive works only for 'Cal' and 'Ucla' -- Florida's 'Gators' cursive helmet looks like a slow child of the athletic director in 1966 drew it, and Tulsa's cursive 'Tulsa' is a 'Ucla' rip-off. 'I-State' is dumb, so that leaves us with 'ISU.' It's easier to read from a distance and doesn't try to be too cute.

But here's a question, why not 'IS'? Drop the 'U' for university, and go with the new slogan to sell season tickets. 'TO BE OR NOT TO BE A CYCLONE FAN? YOU KNOW YOU IS!' With the 'IS' part using the logo of the helmet.

Another interesting alternative would be to simply write 'TEAM' on the helmet.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Is Soccer Ever Going to Hit?'

THE FBO/DAVID BECKHAM SYMPOSIUM

A decade or so ago, I attended the first-ever MLS game at New Jersey's Meadowlands, where the New York/New Jersey MetroStars -- the worst named team in the history of professional athletics -- hosted the New England Revolution, with that World Cup guy who looked like the lead singer of the Spin Doctors. It was a full crowd, and many Central and South Americans standing atop the backs of seats and jumping in mass with songs and banners. Once the game started, everyone sat to watch in relative silence. American soccer was back! The game that followed, however, was a dreary, sloppy effort, with New England 'winning' 0-1 in the 92nd minute by an own goal by a MetroStar defender. We filed out in numbed shock. American soccer would have to wait.

Attendance this season for the New York Red Bulls -- wearing their sponsor on their jerseys, but wisely dropping the 'New Jersey' from their name -- is averaging 11,000 in massive Giants Stadium. Some teams, like the Columbus Crew (good name, good logo), have created 'soccer-sized stadiums,' with more intimate seats in realistically sized stadiums (say maximum capacity 25,000 rather than 90,000). They seem to understand that soccer will take a while to ever compete with the NBA, NFL or MLB -- and may never compete.

THE GREATEST GAME OF ALL TIME?
As a representative to the Failed Bands of Oklahoma,
I attended the much-heralded Red Bulls/LA Galaxy game Saturday night, and for once the Red Bulls needed the seats. Present were 66,000 fans and at least 8000 'Beckham' jerseys on. Beforehand, tailgaters held up 'Arsenal' banners or 'Germany' or 'England' national team banners or wore Brazil soccer jerseys. Three goals lit up the back of the nets in the first ten minutes. The age-old criticism that Americans can't deal with defense-minded sport seem answered. In the end, the home team won huge cheers for a game-winning goal in the 88th minute, 5-4. Beckham said afterward, 'I haven't played in a game like this since I was eight years old.' ESPN said it was the best MLS game in its history.

It was exciting. Too bad no one saw it.

Some observations:

* The bulk of European criticism of Beckham is 'soft play' in the midfield. He lines up for kicks, but does less to contest balls. He certainly wasn't very active on Saturday night, outside goal-assisting crosses and near goal-assisting passes. But it may be because of his injury.
* Merch stands were doing brisk business of $90 -- yes $90 -- Beckham jerseys, yet his corners and free kicks were met with a chorus of boos.
* The $4 hot dog at Giants' Stadium is awful. You have to wait a long time to get fries.
* Why in the world wasn't this game on TV? On every set in the USA? Instead of Little League, NFL pre-season, baseball and boring tennis and golf?
* The 'wave' never died, it just moved to Jersey. Fans had that thing rolling around the stadium most of the game.

Meanwhile, willMLS's multi-million dollar gamble that Beckham's star power -- and he looks a little like a cross of Brett Favre and Sting -- can bring the masses to soccer. His lingering ankle injury has unfortunately kept him from playing in the all-important window of summer when baseball's daily dose didn't matter much and football hadn't started. That's now over. But play of his team and opponents seem to be rising to the occasion when he steps onto the field. When he visited the NY Yankee lockerroom in Toronto, one Yankee said 'He just has this aura about him.' Maybe it can work?

But you have to wonder about the MLS. Last year, during the World Cup, the MLS ran a mere four ads during the multi-week event, missing the chance for exposure when people cared about the sport. This year, the MLS should do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get every Beckham game on TV across America for the rest of the season.

If there's another game like the 5-4 one Saturday night, then America might finally have the soccer it's been waiting for.

A Beckham corner:




FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Updated Adopted Zones Map'

For those keeping track -- or making t-shirts -- of the Failed Bands of Oklahoma's ever-growing/diminishing map of Adopted Zones, here is the latest following the highly successful symposium with North & East Delaware.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Get a Good Mattress'

If you think about it, we spend about 40% of our lives on our mattress. If you have 35 more years, that's 14 years total -- on that dumpy mattress of yours. Back problems aside, there's plain comfort. The FBO believes in not skimping when it comes to mattress purchase.

Here are some tips:

* Lots of different mattress companies create the same thing, using slightly different variations of coil spring and pillow-top features, and 'plush' and 'ultra plush' and 'firm cushion' names -- all to confuse you, don't worry too much: just pick what's comfortable
* Don't buy a mattress on the Internet, only try one out in person
* When you try one out, lie down on the mattress for 15 minutes in the position you normally sleep
* Expect to spent $1000 to $1500, maybe more. Too much? If you're going to spend 14 years on it, that works out to $1.37 per week of use in 14 years (if you spend $1000).


Looking out for the welfare of failed bands and fans of failed bands,

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'The Delaware Trilogy (Part III): Cancelled'

The FBO regrets to announce that the third part of the Delaware Trilogy, concocted after a wildly successful North & East Delaware/Failed Bands of Oklahoma cultural symposium a week ago, has been cancelled.


WHY THE HORSE?

Originally plans for the third, and final, installment of the trilogy was a three-part play entitled 'REVERANCE FOR THE RODNEY RIDE.' The wart-faced hero of Delaware is a legend in the 'first state,' though largely unknown once you cross the Delaware River. Delaware's commemorative quarter features Caesar riding on his horse -- to Philadelphia, in a frenzy, to sign the Declaration of Independence. Statues and testimonials of Mr Rodney's achievement -- without him, it's possible, Delaware wouldn't even be the 'first state'-- are everywhere in Delaware.

The FBO finds it curious that his ride to Philadelphia is so concretely linked with his horse. Surely his penmanship, his conviction are more important? Do we celebrate an Indianapolis Colts Super Bowl victory by waving flags showing the likeness of the team bus? No. But one wonders if it isn't in response to the popularity and lore and legend Massachusetts resident Paul Revere has received for his, likely exaggerated, ride to warn 'the British are coming, the British are coming!' in the wake of the Revolutionary War. 'Hey,' Delawarean historians seem to say, but a bit too late, 'We rode a horse quick too!'

The three-part play would explore the relationship between these two men, much of it would be fictional. The play -- and resultant film -- would star Will Arnett as Paul Revere and Will Ferrell as Caesar Rodney, who'd cry at one pitiful public soliloquy, 'But I rode a horse, I rode a horse too!'

After careful consideration, and discussions heard at the symposium, the FBO now considers Rodney's frantic horse ride made with US independence in mind,as more historically important than that 'Masshole' Paul Revere's. It also happened first. Hence:

--> The FBO bans Paul Revere re-enactors -- and descendants -- from using this site.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'San Francisco Band Needs Help Naming Record'

San Francisco's TENDER FEW -- a band featuring previously failed musicians -- is making a record. And needs help naming it.

Please, if you have time, take a look at their plea.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Will Attempt to Procure the Turtle'

Philip Duke Riley -- called a 'Brooklyn art boob' by today's New York Post, and a 'Sub Moron' by that paper this weekend -- created a wooden replica of a Revolutionary War 'submarine' called the 'Turtle.' Last Friday he floated it in the East River -- he had no means to 'drive it' on his own. The NY Times said it drifted by condoms and dead rats. His goal: the Queen Elizabeth 2 ship, where he wanted to get a photograph of himself drinking a beer next to it. He was detained by terror-alert authorities and his submarine hauled away. One policeman laughed, 'I don't know what we are going to do with it.'




The FBO does not know if this is actually 'art,' as Riley maintains. But the FBO likes the effort.

ACTION POINT: The FBO will contact authorities about purchasing the submarine...


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'The Delaware Trilogy (Part II)'

THE FBO VISITS, ADOPTS EASTERN DELAWARE


There are at least half a dozen reasons why one should spend a good hour looking at the following state shape, and stop, and consider, and reflect. Please do so:



For the moment the FBO is interested in just one aspect: EAST DELAWARE (shown in orange), which was the destination of a short field-trip as part of the recent NORTH & EAST DELAWARE/FAILED BANDS OF OKLAHOMA INAUGURAL TWO-DAY SYMPOSIUM.

In the years before Delaware became a state -- the first state -- the Duke of York and Will Penn grew a hatred for each other that transcends the irrational, normally reserved for SEC football fans. Much of their hatred was over the patch of land that is now Delaware. Designed as a 17th-century yielding of land as defined by a 12-mile arc around New Castle, including up to the opposite bank of the Delaware River in today's New Jersey. By 'accident' it includes this peninsular bit of land that lies both west of the east opposite bank of the Delaware River, yet on New Jersey 'mainland soil.' New Jersey has never been happy about it -- the most recent legislation to claim East Delaware dates from 2006.

FBO Representative visited. A New Jersey man with a ponytail and a fist-broken nose pumped gas and fielded a few questions, including the following:

FBO: I hear there's a piece of land near here that's actually part of Delaware?
NJ MAN: Yeah, whatever.

The area is guarded, so to speak, by New Jersey's Fort Mott State Park, a non-uninteresting, largely neglected state park with fortifications facing the water, and a pier that -- if the 12-Mile Arc is to be adhered to stricly -- should technically be in Delaware. Just north of the state park is Finn's Point National Cemetery, a walled compound with a memorial for 2400 Confederate soldiers who perished at nearby Fort Delaware during the Civil War.

A caretaker, carefully planting Confederate flags at the memorial ('today is Garrison Day,' he explained), noted that the wall that rimmed the cemetery -- which also includes a handful of German POWs from WWII -- is actually the border with Delaware.

NJ MAN2: We have an agreement with Delaware that New Jersey polices it -- easier that way.
FBO: What do they police?
NJ MAN2: Not much. Some locals like to go out and drink beer. Other than that, there's nothing there.
FBO: Think New Jersey will ever claim it?
NJ MAN2: No. Doesn't matter. That's just politicians talk.

FBO Fan Rich Trott has proposed East Delaware be the site of an upcoming FBO Performance -- perhaps the sequel to the Panhandle Show. Meanwhile the FBO adopts East Delaware.

Photographic evidence of the East Delaware/FBO Symposium:






FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'The Delaware Trilogy (Part I)'

THE WHITE STRIPES AT WILMINGTON'S GRAND OPERA



In New York City, where FBO makes its semi-permanent HQ base, music fans expect to see whomever they want on any given night of the week. Everyone plays here, and many people go. If you try to get seats -- as FBO tried for Arcade Fire a couple months ago -- you're lucky to get bad seats (as the FBO was lucky enough to procure). If you line up at 3am, you don't get anywhere near the front row -- press, VIPs, band family already has those seats: wanting to see a show in the Big Apple, where Rolling Stones and New York Times tend to make their reviews.

When FBO Representative Robert Reid was invited to see the White Stripes first-ever Delaware show at a 1871 opera house -- far more compact than Tulsa's Old Brady, with painted ceilings, fussy parlors to drink beer and talk with the gray-haired staff in cranberry outfits -- we quickly signed up for the Delaware/FBO symposium. The theatre looks like the place Abraham Lincoln should've been shot. The worst seat is by far better than anything you can get in most venues. FBO got second-row center.

Delaware was clearly excited about The White Stripes -- six albums old, and still making the drum/guitar two-fer sound fresh and yet ever-linked to the better riffs of early Zeppelin and more distant blues. A bar across from the opera house, on downtown's Market Street, blared White Stripes songs on a sidewalk speaker, as a mix of lawyers, accountants and bearded hipsters drank Dogfish beer in a slightly too fancy bar. Outside, a guy tried to sell tickets for $200 (which he 'bought on eBay for $100 a piece') when the cops weren't looking. Twenty-something hipsters genuinely wondered of each other: 'are you excited?' No one in New York talks like that before a TV on the Radio show. Nearby two pudgy 43-year-old men walked briskly to the bar, both wearing identical, brand-new White Stripes concert t-shirts.

After the 105-minute set wrapped up, the crowd left -- with the retired volunteer staff smiling and wishing you a 'good night' -- and stuck around Market Street to talk about the show and 'go get a beer at The Exchange' nearby. An associate in Wilmington, Ms Jamie, said, 'You better get a photo. No one's ever out on Market Street at this time.'

Other photos from the first part of the FBO's symposium in north and east Delaware follow:














The FBO thanks northern and eastern Delaware -- as represented by Phil Bangle -- for the tickets, and the playful introductory evening to the Delaware/FBO symposium and exchange. The FBO hopes the positive energy of that evening will carry over to future projects merging to the two in the future.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Muting Iraq's Glory'

The New York Times put Iraq's shocking wins over Korea in the semi-finals of the Asia Cup, then 1-0 over Saudi Arabia in the final yesterday, on its front pages. But not the sports section. ESPN -- ever fond of piano-soundtracked sappy stories and playing up forced story lines that hover over the pitches of sport -- largely snubbed Iraq's unlikely win. Simply showing the winning header in the 72nd minute and finishing with 'the captain had some criticism for the USA after the game though.' ESPN went on to its Top 10 list of best plays of the week. After devoting much of their 90-minute show to questioning whether Barry Bonds deserves praise for the upcoming home-run record, they put his latest home run at #1. The Iraq win wasn't mentioned.

Iraq is playing with a collection of players scattered across the region. The winning save against Korea was made by their Shiite goalie, the winning goal against Saudi Arabia came from a corner by a Kurd to the Sunni captain. Fans in Baghdad talked about how the players should 'be our politicians' -- that they'd done more for uniting the country than parliament. C'mon ESPN! Get out the piano for this one!

For a nation in a very ugly war, it's nice to see some excitement, positive energy. That the captain called for the USA to leave Iraq -- perhaps remembering George W Bush's touting of the unlikely team's Olympic appearance a few years ago -- does nothing to soften the moment.

The FBO bans ESPN for four days.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Presenting The Delaware Trilogy'

FBO Representative Robert Reid was invited on a two-day cultural symposium in northern and eastern Delaware this weekend. As part of the exchange, the FBO spoke in Delaware about failed bands and other failed projects at the ballroom of the historic Dupont Hotel (1913) as well as on Market Street downtown. Meanwhile FBO Rep Robert Reid attended a music performance and visited East Delaware, a parcel of land east of the Delaware River on 'mainland New Jersey.'

As a result this week is 'Delaware Week' for the FBO, and the FBO will be presenting the Delaware Trilogy, beginning tomorrow.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Wilmington, Delaware

FBO: 'Vote on the Worst Rush Songs'

We all agree -- all -- that Rush should be in the FBO, and actual, Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame. So there's no danger in bringing up their WORST songs.

FBO Admin's vote is a surprising one, for many. 'FREE WILL.' Whilst Rush was on any available cassette deck in the mid '80s, I dragged my mom into the ins-and-outs of 'Permanent Waves' on a road trip across Oklahoma. Heading back to side one after a complete listen, she finally spoke up -- as Geddy wailed his screaming bits at the end of 'Free Will' -- 'OK, that's enough.' And she was right. I've never really listened to it again since.

I guess I prefer the 'softer side' of Geddy's vocal abilities.

Taking your opinions...

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Saigon, Vietnam

FBO: 'Inducts Rush to FBO Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame'

CONFORM OR BE CAST OUT
Is there really any doubt that Canada's RUSH should be in the actual Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame? They're consistently among the top-drawing concert acts, and still churning out the digital stubs in their fourth decade (they recorded a triple CD set in RIO recently, and about, oh, a million people came out for it -- possibly the greatest thing in recent history: Brazilians listening to Geddy Lee screach 'I will choose free will!').

Known for overworked time signatures, overly thought out lyrics and themes, and album covers with kids and a naked-buttocked man, RUSH deserves the hall for making reasonably unique music -- occasionally inspired, never not sounding as something fashionably unlike their reasonably unique music, allowing scientific nerds a soundtrack, and delighting Canadians for decades.

According to Wikipedia:

Rush boasts 23 gold records and 14 platinum (3 multi-platinum) records, making them one of the best-selling rock bands in history. These statistics place Rush fifth behind The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, KISS and Aerosmith for the most consecutive gold and platinum albums by a rock band.

How can a band without a pop hit -- OK, 'New World Man' made #38 for a week in 1982 -- and those numbers not have some credibility? Particularly with Jackson Browne and Bob Seger in the Hall?

RUSH's Five Best Songs
1981's 'Tom Sawyer' is generally their best-known song but their best five songs are:

1) "Spirit of the Radio" (1980). There is no doubt this is number one, with the absurd burst of Van Halen lift-offs in the opening lick, and the reggae break, and Geddy generally not screaming too much. It's energetic and compact. People who don't like Rush tend to like this.
2) "The Body Electric" (1984). Alex Lifeson got a hipster haircut for this very under-appreciated album with nods to acid rain (before REM did it), a fake U2 solo or two, and a ska break-down. This underrated song's ending -- where Geddy sings 'the mother all machines!' the second time -- is a spine chiller, and the whole build-up part sounds a little like Pete Townshend's 'Rough Boys,' which is of course good ground to borrow from.
3) "Subdivisions" (1982). This mall-culture, teenage-wasteland single shocked us Rush fans back in '82. Not so much for the synths, but that someone other than Geddy got vocal duties. Alex Lifeson leaned to the mic in the video to speak 'subdivisions...' but -- the FBO hears -- it was actually Neil Peart doing the honors. **Note: Relistening to the song after the post, the FBO Admin regrets placing this so high. Consider 'Limelight' from '81 as an obvious replacement. --FBO Admin, 7/16**
4) "Cygnus X-1 (Part II)" (1978). Recently, in a California bar, FBO Admin heard the opening notes of the full vinyl-side song -- records were so good for that: 'cool, there's only one track on the whole SIDE!' -- and saw a bearded bartender air-drumming the Peart fills. The overlooked Hemispheres album inspires such. Imagine starting a five-song album with a 18-MINUTE SEQUEL to an already sprawling song ABOUT A BLACK HOLE. I wouldn't think there was that much to say about one -- it's weird, sprawling, consuming; avoid at all costs -- but Peart knew better.
5) "Fly By Night"(1975). Rush with a little three-minute song. If you play the D/D-suspended notes with a little swing (impossible with Peart on drums) it can almost pass as alternative rock.

Hall, put them in now (or apologize for Lawyers in Love).

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Hue, Vietnam

FBO: 'Salutes Journalist, Makes Fun of Him'

It's very good that BBC journalist Alan Johnston -- held hostage by in the Gaza Strip for four months -- was freed recently, but the event -- with time, and its effect on hair -- only illustrates -- with painful clarity -- a recent FBO admission that shaved heads fool no one. It almost always means: BALDNESS.

Photo of Alan after four months without access to a razor:



And 20 minutes after freedom:



The FBO is sorry it took an act of terrorism to prove a point, but the truth cannot be denied. As a result, BALDNESS is temporarily banned on this site. Balding visitors are welcome as long as they identify themselves [in brackets] by the percentage of their head that's balding.

The temporary ban ends on August 2.

FBO Admin
[11% bald]
Mobile HQ -- Hanoi, Vietnam

FBO: 'Adopts Pet: Hanoi Turtle'

A crowd in Vietnam -- where the Failed Bands of Oklahoma are currently wrestling press coverage for failed bands -- either means a group of parents waiting for kids leaving school, or a fight. In Hanoi, there's a third option, if you see a crowd on the rim of Hoan Kiem Lake (Restored Sword Lake) in the center of town: someone's seen the six-foot-long turtle that many believe doesn't exist.

Hanoi's famed lake is based on a 15th-century legend of a massive turtle who first gave a sword to the (actual) nobleman/warrior Le Loi to fight off the Chinese, then after doing so successfully, Le Loi went boating in the lake with the sword, and the turtle came and snatched it back -- then disappeared in the murky depths never to be seen again. (When I hear of the tale, I always enjoy imagining the sound of the turtle snapping at the sword -- a non-threatening, but decisive, snap, re-claiming the sword that Le Loi may or may not have wanted to return...) One of the tiny islands on the lake is 'tortoise island' with a slightly leaning, picturesque tower built in rememberance of it. In 1993, plans were made to drain the lake until some protested to the government -- at a period when not many did; scuba divers searched for turtles and none were found. All this is fun and fine, but the catch is there really are VERY LARGE turtles in the lake. Or at least one. And if spotted, expect a large crowd will gather to look.

Walking by the lake today, I saw a huge crowd gathered on the lake's northern end. Looking in -- about the place where I saw a bloated dead rat floating amidst some garbage a couple weeks ago -- huge bubbles appeared. The suddenly, a head! The head of a massive turtle. The crowd 'oohed' as if spotting a dragon decapitating a llama, the turtle slowly moved toward the center of the lake -- occasionally showing its head again. I couldn't believe my luck. I telephoned a pal in Hanoi, Nam, who said 'What? I've never seen it in my life.'



Apparently sightings are rare. The following comes from a decade-old article that speculated that IF the turtle existed it would last much longer...

"This turtle is a fascinating phenomenon, probably the biggest soft-shell in the world and certainly the most endangered," said Peter Pritchard, a renowned turtle biologist. "People in Vietnam are treating it like the Loch Ness monster, but this is not a myth. People need to treat it like a biological thing — an endangered species."

But is the turtle related to the sword-biting legend, or just a passerby? Dr Ha Dinh Duc, supposedly Vietnam's leading 'turtle expert', believes it IS the turtle -- about 560 years old now. He said...

"Yes, that's right, the same turtle," said Duc, 56, a biology professor at Hanoi National University who has studied the Hoan Kiem turtles since 1991. "Some scientists don't believe a turtle could live this long, especially in a lake so small and with so many people around, but I think so."

The FBO believes in the turtle and formally adopts the turtle as FBO PET.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Hanoi, Vietnam

FBO: 'Robert Reid in NY Times'

Failed Bands of Oklahoma founder Robert Reid has an article -- on BULGARIA -- in today's New York Times.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Hoi An, Vietnam