FBO: 'Bans 'If You Know What I Mean' from Future Rock Lyrics'

Listening to the pumping cow bell and throaty vocal of 'Mississippi Queen' -- somehow still a classic-rock radio staple 39 years after its release -- one can be forgiven for imagining it played by a six pack of denim-wearing southern-drawlsters who hail from a place like Black Oak, Arkansas. The truth is the short-lived band is led by a Jewish guy from New York's suburban Long Island, who apparently has a keen interest in maps and topography. He changed his name from Leslie Weinstein to Leslie West, named his band Mountain, and hit it biggest (#4 in Canada) with 'Mississippi Queen.'

All this would escape much FBO notice if not for a single act of tenacity. One that can't be excused.

In the opening, Leslie belts 'Mississippi Queen! If you KNOW what I mean!' Actually, Les, we have no idea. Perhaps your wink-wink seeking for confirmation ('if you know what I mean') refers to an underground drag scene on the Delta's Highway 61 area? Or borrowed royalty traditions from Louisiana's Napoleonic Code? Les, we guess that you had sex with someone in Mississippi. But give us some biscuits before passing the gravy, friend.

--> Thesis: The phrase 'if you know what I mean' is not only a lazy lyrical phrase used over and over in pop/rock songs, but it rarely means what the lyricist think it means. It's insulting to the listener, who may or may not excuse the easy rhyme scheme.

The FBO believes it all started with the Beatles' 1963 single 'I Saw Her Standing There,' when Paul McCartney gives us the best possible version of the expression, when he sings 'Well, she was just 17, and you know what I mean.' No conditional 'if' needed. Paul seems to be saying, yeah, you're intelligent listeners, you know what's meant here. She was 17, not 16, not 18 -- meaning an age where she can go to R films, can't vote, can't sign up in the military, and where statutory rape is an issue for courters. WE GET YOU PAUL.

Similarly Schoolhouse Rock used the phrase correctly, albeit with the conditional 'if,' a decade later with 'A Noun is a Person, Place or Thing' by making sure the young audience got a term referring to old rock songs from way back when: 'I put a dime in the drugstore record machine, oldies goldies started playing if you know what I mean.' Considering this may be the first time their audience hears the term 'oldie goldie' Schoolhouse Rock is being conscientious.

Check the 2:12 mark:



There are, however, far more abuses of the overused phrase.

Coweta, Oklahoma's newest offering to the kid-band scene Crooked X doesn't quite get it right, in their we-travel-around-the-world-with-guitars anthem by singing in a new song 'Rock'n'Roll Dream': 'I am livin’ the life - if you know what I mean, all of us need a rock'n'roll dream!' This fails on many levels. First of all, singer Forrest French (OK, great name) has spelled out exactly what he means by the life, so he doesn't need to check with us if we get it, then tries to be inclusive of us -- watching him, downloading him -- by including him in the 'dream.'

Racoon, a band, says 'if you know what I mean' at least 13 times in their song called, 'If You Know What I Mean.' In not one instance does it mean what they think it means. For example: 'Don’t need no diamond ring, if you know what I mean' -- yes, we know. Everyone does. You're not into marriage. Next!

Edie Brickell, in her immortal 1988 pre-Paul Simon anthem, 'What I Am,' begins, 'I'm not aware of too many things' -- try laying off the Deep Ellum bong, Edie -- 'but I know what I know if you know what I mean.' Not exactly.

On the other hand, when Bon Scott wails in AC/DC's 'TNT' that he's 'out for all that I can get, if you know what I mean,' we really do.

Rock Star Supernova -- already a bad band just by their name -- has a faux T Rex 2006 single called 'Leave the Lights On' -- because it's 'better for the cameras, if you know what I mean.' He's implying, to quote B-Sege, that various 'night moves' are going to be captured on digital video or film. OK.

Neil Diamond did a better job with the phrase in 1976. He ends a 3:40 song of remembrance and nostalgia, with this: 'When we gave it away for the sake of a dream in a penny arcade, if you know what I mean.' He's using an analogy that a person in his past is asked to compared with their real life scenario. Neil, you've done it right.

Then there's Busta Rhymes. In his song with Puff Daddy 'Body Rock,' Rampage breaks in a verse: 'I'm the man with the gangsta lean, what, what, yo, I split your whole spleen if you know what I mean.' I have no idea what he's talking about, and appreciate that Rampage stops to check if we follow. We don't, so realize the conversation wasn't intended for us.

Successful usages of the phrase are rare. And the FBO thinks this phrase has run its course, and bans the use in future rock lyrics for three years. Those who use it are banned from this site for four years. We can do better. Know what I'm saying?

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Discovers/Questions the North Dakota Quarter'

THERE GOES THE SUN
North Dakota's state quarter came out three years ago. Is it any coincidence that we didn't stumble upon one until early 2009, a few weeks after the FBO's first ever 'North Dakota week'?

Prompted by gut whim, I checked the failed entries for the state quarter and found a curious pattern that NO OTHER STATE had shown: spearing prong-like sun 'rays' that resembles the Japanese Imperial Navy flag during WWII.







The link couldn't be intentional, right? North Dakota isn't tributing the imperial Japanese armed forces, who took millions of lives during WWII?

Shiply speaking, the original USS North Dakota never made it to Japan and stayed way out of harm's way during WWI -- mostly making care-package trips around the Caribbean, then was disassembled before WWII. (A new submarine called the USS North Dakota is currently in construction.) However, the USS South Dakota -- named for the north's mocking rival to the south -- was badly damaged by Japan's Imperial Navy in 1942. That seems bad taste.

Maybe Telephoning Will Help
The Japanese flag -- known as the Rising Sun Flag -- has 16 rays. North Dakota's versions have seven, eight and nine. But a bigger question is whether or not North Dakota's suns depict sunrises or sunsets? The farm shot shows no chimney smoke or stirring creatures to hint at a time, while goose -- it should be noted -- fly at sunrise and sunset. So, no clues. Perhaps the key is the buffalo -- alert, jolly and feasting as the sun dips or rises behind them. Do buffalo wake up at 6am?

So I phoned the Theodore Roosevelt National Park in the southwestern corner of the state, a lovely area with two units of badlands and plenty of wildlife. The operator said 'Mike' would be able to help and transferred me.

I asked Mike if he knew when bison wake up. 'Bison are a daytime animal, unlike deer for example. Most of their activities go on during the day,' he said seriously. 'But that said I'll drive by a group of 200 during the day -- maybe 100 are eating, another 100 laying around, some with eyes shut. They eat and sleep throughout the day.' So they eat dawn to dusk? 'Yup' -- he really said 'yup' -- 'Remember that grass is a low quality food, and they have a big stomach to keep full.'

I mentioned the quarter, and here Mike got particularly interested. 'Let's see, if we had any defining features of the formation behind them, we could figure this out...' He paused. 'We'd probably need to talk with the artist though... Do you know the artist?' I said I didn't. 'You know, if I had to guess -- purely guess -- I'd say it's evening. Very few people out here get up that early.'

If it's good enough for Mike (who was enduring a blizzard at the time), it's good enough for us. The FBO claims that North Dakota's quarter depicts not a 'rising sun' but a falling one, thus isn't tributing the imperial Japanese military. And to be honest, when I visited the Roosevelt Park's North Unit in late spring 2001, the two-lane load reaches it from the east. And that's where most of the bison are. In fact, I had about 60 or 70 immediately surrounding my rental car. An artist heading up there would get the same vantage point of the badlands -- looking west.

-->Perhaps it would have been less confusing if North Dakota went with the Roger Maris quarter, remembering the homerun hero from Fargo.



FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn

FBO: 'Promotes Waska_the_Rocker to Top Fan (On Two-Week Trial Basis)'

Waska_the_Rocker -- who has ridden a rocky road in FBO fanship (and membership) over the past three years, being suspended from various FBO events on several occasions -- is taking over the FBO Top Fan status for the next two weeks.

It will be up to fellow FBO fans to observe his conduct and participation until January 27 to determine if he can oust FBO Top Fan Rich Trott from the position long term.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

--> Disclaimer: Waska_the_Rocker did not paint his likeness (as shown above). This painting -- actually a self-portrait by a 15-year-old Russian girl named Yuli -- was photographed in the Regional Museum of Blagoveshchensk, Russia, in June 2008.

FBO: 'FBO Turns Three'

RESTATEMENT OF FBO OBJECTIVES

It was a simple idea -- admittedly one no one had ever thought of before -- in early 2006, when the Failed Bands of Oklahoma registered for a free spot on Blogspot and starting charting out new territory: respect for failed bands, tips for future failed bands, and efforts to garner press coverage for failed bands.

--> Happy birthday to the FBO!

In three years, the FBO has picked up four members and attracted -- curiously enough -- many critics. One attacked FBO 'Top Fan Rich Trott' -- whose title may be slipping soon -- in early 2008, by suggesting comments made on Mark Knopfler during the FBO's Mark Knopfler Week were out of hand. The critic was right -- clearly -- but the knock on Trott was out of line too, and the FBO responded.

This year the FBO continues its efforts to assemble failed bands at a show in Guymon, Oklahoma -- sadly the FBO postpones the day of May 2008 to September 2008 -- and makes a general call for transparency in the entertainment and creative media: prodding creators to show decisions and reasons behind their artworks.

Also the FBO bans people and institutions that fail to do so, or make aggrevious errors.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Relives Great 90s Miscalculation'

DRIVIN, THEN CRYIN
One of the more interesting transitions of all time was when Drivin n Cryin -- a punk, then folk, then pop metal band of the late '80s and early '90s (actually still going) made a fluffy-haired metal video about ten minutes before Nirvana released 'Smells Like Teen Spirit.'

The video is an embarrassment now, even if the song doesn't sound as bad as it did for an audience clamoring for something outside the usual MTV rotation. But, with critics in their pocket, Kevin Kinney and company feathered the hair and went for the big hit, just as their gritty indie roots could have landed them more credibility with the charts, bigger labels and new fans. One of the bigger rock mistakes of all time.

I had a chance to talk with Kevin Kinney, the lead singer, about it just as the album Fly Me Courageous was released in 1991. He was a nice, thoughtful guy. Only 22, I snarkily compared it to Dokken -- I apologize, Kevin -- and got the following response to why the band went that way at what turned out to be exactly the wrong moment.



FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'The Worst of the '90s: Pearl Jam's First Album Cover'

'Then that Cobain had to come around and ruin it all... the '90s sucked.'
-- Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

Amen, brother. As 2009 is the first year since the '90s to include the digit '9' -- the worst number -- the FBO will be turning back to the '90s throughout the year to explain why it was the worst decade, musically and creatively speaking.

For starters, does anyone think it's about time we got an explanation for Pearl Jam's laughable cover for their debut album 10? The overly earnest raised-hand or arm-in-arm embrace sort of works when you're Vietnam vets singing backups in Billy Joel's live 'Goodnight Saigon' video (which isn't sounding that bad in 2009), but it really has no place on the outset of new era, where alternative bands took over the limelight from the fussed-up bands of the late '80s.



1991 was a hopeful time, but Pearl Jam -- complete with back-up guitarist's Richie Sambora hat in the grainy b/w video of 'Alive' -- assured hard-rock fans that this new 'alternative rock' wouldn't cut back on any Ford Truck bravado. And they ended up prophetic on that.

--> It's tempting to imagine that Pearl Jam don't prefer, artfully speaking, Gutzon Borglum (of Mt Rushmore fame) or Felix DeWeldon (of Iwa Jima Memorial fame) to 'vaguer' works by Rodin or Michelangelo.

The cover of the 11-song 10 (actually named for former OU basketball player Mookie Blaylock's number in the NBA) is a genuine attempt to show 'all for one, one for all' -- something immortally picked up by Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart and Sting with a Three Musketeers film ballad 'All For Love' in 1993.

A few things you can't do:

* Walk around the East Village in 1996 with an Oasis t-shirt.
* Drink Starbucks on stage in 2002 or 2003.
* Cover songs by Oasis.
* Use hats to form an identity unless you're Brian Johnson (of AC/DC) or Jamiroquai.
* Believe that a rock band, locked in unity, can triumph over the odds of homelessness, murder, depression, teen angst.

FBO Questionnaire:
Is there any difference, really, between the sentiments of the following two photographs -- one Rod Stewart, Bryan Adams (and a slightly removed) Sting interlocked in a soaring chorus about three poncey sword fighters, and the other the full image from Pearl Jam's debut photo shoot?





The answer, all for all, should be an emphatic 'no.'


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Suggestions for Tourism Ploys'

TOURISM PLOY UNCOVERED!
Guandu, China wants to be liked so much that the rarely visited city spent $3 million to rebuild its four main 1000-year-old temples and even, gulp, tore down blocks of ancient homes to build 'antique-looking shops' catered to tourists. Catch is that no one came.

So, per a recent New York Times article, the city government struck a deal with fashionably-hip 'kung fu monks' from 1200 miles away. The monks would manage the temples for 30 years and keep all proceeds from donation boxes and gift shops (presumably in the temples), the city would benefit from increased awareness.

--> One of the monks' first acts: advertising monthly kung fu lessons for $44 (about an average salary for many residents).

The FBO neither applauds nor condemns that acts of the city or monks, but does offer suggestions for other struggling tourist destinations -- tweaks to be made to garner more interest.


BULGARIA. Institute an 'alphabet throwing contest' in Rila. Visitors can create or bring examples of their alphabet (in various forms -- recycled products, wood, tire) and see which flies the farthest -- Bulgaria invented the Cyrillic (Russian) alphabet. Also, start volunteer tourism to help excavate Roman/Thracian sites before grave-robbers get to it. Bulgarian wine is really good, but the nation doesn't promote it well -- foster programs for family-run wineries to open doors to tourism and agro-turismo stays and even work weekends cultivating grapes.

NORTH DAKOTA. Change the name to Real Dakota. Begin a catapult festival between Fargo and Moorhead, Minnesota -- large harmless things are catapulted over the north-flowing Red River. Do not warn Moorhead for the inaugural event. Host a Failed Bands of Oklahoma event in Rugby, the geographical center of North America. Russians charge foreigners inflated rates, sometimes, for hotels and always for museums. North Dakota should institute a two-price system: 'non-Russians' and 'Russians' (200% the ticket). This would generate press and attention. The art-deco Fargo Theater should host vegetable-throwing, profanity-encouraging screenings of the locally maligned film 'Fargo.'

NEW JERSEY. Have every one of the state's 3450 toll checks hand out a 'New Jersey Scenic Drive' map along with a toll receipt -- with 'ten 45 to 60-minute drives just off the interstate.' Actively pursue legislation to restore the State of Liberty and Ellis Islands in New York Harbor back to Jersey's control (both are technically in Jersey's boundaries). The press would be good even if no results. Governor should issue 'apology' for the state's lackluster image, then change the name of the state to Bruce Springsteen or York.

YAKUTSK, RUSSIA. The world's coldest city of over 200,000 -- home to the Yakut people, a city on stilts because of the brutal permafrost below the earth's surface. Make a fake beach -- with gold sand and fake neon trees -- along the not-bad Lena River in town. Ice volleyball contests in March. I got a real-reindeer Christmas ornament there -- with Blitzen fur; Yakutsk could organize a Reindeer-slaughtering Christmas events. Let a few outsiders know about the wonderful June Ysyakh event (with teepees and horse meat). Drop the foreigner pricing scheme.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Video Feed: Tall Tales' First Show in 14 Years'

Fourteen years. The time it took Axl to foster Chinese Democracy, the time lapsed between livehouse stage performances by FBO #001 Tall Tales.

To celebrate, the FBO's fourth-coming year in existence, here's a recorded video feed of Tall Tales' performance of 'What?' from the Deli in Norman in early November:



It could reasonably be argued that this show -- of a failed band returning to the stage -- was aided by the environment created by the Failed Bands of Oklahoma.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'The Best of FBO 2008'

It's been a busy 2008 for the Failed Bands of Oklahoma:

--> The FBO noted that Oklahoma designed a really dumb quarter.

--> The National Automobile Museum purposely endorsed some old car race that went out of its way to snub Oklahoma. Hence the FBO asked for an apology and never received one.

--> The FBO recognized the danger of naming the new OKC NBA team, offered pre-emptive suggestions (that ended up better than the final verdict).

--> The FBO -- fed up with critics' negativity -- responded by falling in love:



--> The FBO tried to like REM again, then listened again to Hear-n-Aid's curious 164-second guitar solo.

--> The FBO took issue with Virginia's quarter, which noted the death of Jamestown.

--> The FBO, in Bulgaria, responded to critics at the same hilltop it released FBO news in 2006. Then created a poem -- using a disrespectful act to a pet to work as a proxy rebuttal -- in a Bulgarian rental car for the ongoing criticism FBO receives without warrant.

--> FBO's first member Tall Tales played their first show in 14 years.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Rather Upset with SE Hinton'

GREAT BOOK, BAD OKLAHOMA

If you've not seen it yet, editors Matt Weiland and Sean Wilsey put together a fine new hardcover book State by State: A Panoramic Portrait of America, with essays by 50 writers of the 50 states. It's fashioned -- with its neat cover and concept -- as a reprisal of the WPA Guides, a Federal Writers' Project during FDR's administration. Some pieces are great -- Dave Eggers' spirited case for why Illinois is the best state (because of skyscrapers, Lincoln, license plates, friendliness) is hilarious, and rather convincing.

Others are awful. Anthony Bourdain reinforces the image of Jersey suburbia -- a slave to New York City -- in his ultra-personal history of New Jersey, and misses an opportunity to talk of its actual rural heart (unseen from the turnpikes). His call, I guess. Meanwhile, Said Sayrafiezadeh from New York's Lower East Side stumbles through the most obvious South Dakota sites, akin to 'City Slickers,' without saying anything meaningful of a state with pink highways or touching on anything beyond the obvious. OK, maybe, in another venue, but unsatisfying for the purposes of this book.

The worst, so far (we're not finished reading), is Oklahoma's chapter, written by Tulsan SE Hinton, who remains Oklahoma's turn-to writer though she's only known for a handful of teen books written three to four decades ago.

In her four-page entry (the briefest in the book), she explains why she still lives in Oklahoma. She quotes Will Rogers a few times, talks about how meteorologists are 'demi gods' there, throws an offhand note that 'no state is prouder of its Native American heritage' (without giving an example). It comes off like back-cover blurbs, designed to sell a guidebook ('Oklahoma has all kinds of terrain...'). That she wrote it (in a day?) while being iced in her Tulsa home during the December 2007 ice storm makes it feel more like a break from her boredom. A crossword puzzle for her to pass the time.

Other writers bother to return to their homes for the story, talk with locals to give life or other perspective.

Suggestions for what SE Hinton could have talked about:

* Oklahoma has the best state shape in the country. And the reason is because Texas wanted slaves. After the Missouri Compromise forbid slavery over the 36-30 parallel, so they just sliced off the top of their panhandle.

* Oklahoma has the best state flag in the country. And the only one devoted to Native American themes.

* Rand McNally once famously forgot to include Oklahoma in a road atlas.

* John Steinbeck immortalized Dust Bowl Okies' move west in The Grapes of Wrath, but didn't bother to check much about the setting. He described a dusty flat plains for the Joads' hometown, but placed it in the hilly, green east of the state.

* Oklahoma is named for the Choctaw word for 'red man,' has more Native Americans than any other state (per capita), is planning a huge Native American museum in downtown OKC, and the state's nickname openly acknowledges law-breakers, the Sooners.

* That Oklahoma, like Kentucky, is a state without a clear region. It's sort of Great Plains (but with a FAR more diverse population than any state north of it), too western to be Midwest ultimately, and not south at all. In the end, Oklahoma is part of what I call the Texas sub-continent, linked to its rival big brother more than any of its other neighbors.

* Oklahoma's 'black towns' like Boley, which hosts a 'black rodeo' annually -- all legacies of towns settled shortly after the Civil War.

* Oklahoma is redder than any state -- election-wise (all counties went McCain in 08) -- yet OKC did the unthinkable by voting in a one-cent sales tax that helped improve itself more than any other American city in the past decade (eg Art Museum downtown, new library, putting water in the river, Bricktown canal, Ford Center, Flaming Lips Alley...)

SE Hinton calls Oklahoma a 'great place for a writer, a free place for a writer.' It's too bad she made her case without leaving her home. A missed opportunity.

--> The FBO encourages all writers interested in writing about Oklahoma or North Dakota to contact the FBO before-hand.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Acknowledges Canadian FBO(BT)'

A SITE DEVOTED TO LESSER-KNOWN ARTISTS

The Canadian site -- Five Bucks On By-Tor, curiously beginning with 'FBO' initials -- focuses on less-than-heralded non-failed music heroes north of the border. We applaud the focus, even if it snubs failed bands of Canada (a note will be written to them).

--> Finder's acknowledgment to Tom C-- of Wisconsin.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent -- Brooklyn, NY

Postscript: We've sent the following message to FBOBT:

A quick message here from a different 'FBO' -- the Failed Bands of Oklahoma -- which tries to trumpet failed, unheralded bands of all US states, Canadian provinces and other territorial divisions worldwide. The FBO appreciates your efforts here, and you have been acknowledged on our Dec 27 issue.

If you have suggestions for failed Canadian bands -- bands that were never 'signed' to a label, played at least 75% original music, and began at least 10 years ago -- we'd love to hear about them.

FBO Admin

FBO: 'It's a New Christmas Video'

In celebration of the holiday season, the Failed Bands of Oklahoma releases this packaged video -- culling snippets of worldwide Christmas celebrations -- into a 53-second track 'Christmas is for Christians.'



FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Baby Books on Watchlist'

Christmas comes tomorrow, and with it much talk of one of the most famous babies of all time. The FBO, however, is concerned with a disturbing trend in 'baby books' of dropping any article or modifier for reference to a -- emphasis 'a' -- baby.

Examples include:

* 'caring for baby'
* 'adjusting to life with baby'
* 'dressing up baby'

This is wrong and offensive. And tragically yet more ammunition for the small-scale anti-baby movement out there. What's wrong with saying 'your baby,' 'my baby,' 'our baby,' even 'the baby' on occasion?

Do we ask 'you have sister in Cleveland, don't you?' or 'you have a sister in Cleveland, verdad?'

Why should it be any different for a baby?

In dropping the modifier, such baby books as Humble Bumble's Baby Journal: A Keepsake Journal for Baby's First Three Years are openly mocking foreigners who speak English as a second or third language -- and not used to modifiers as 'the' or 'a.'

Meanwhile, some book titles use a modifier on the covers -- eg The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know about Your Baby from Birth to Age Two -- then sneakily drop the modifier with all references in the text. This is even worse.

The FBO asks these baby-book publishers to apologize and make edits, and reminds us -- everyone --to modify all babies as yours, or theirs etc.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Grading the Underachiever Triplets'

AXL, BRIAN & QUENTIN
Guns'n'Roses new album Chinese Democracy came out a few weeks ago, and I was quick to download it. Anyone -- pretty much anyone -- who spends so long (14 years) with so much pomp and self-destruction to make a rock record is, as a rule, interesting, and occasionally pretty good. It's very easy to root against Indianan Axl Rose, but the thing is, the album is fairly remarkable. When do you have a lead single that requires Wikipedia to get all the references (Falung Gong anyone?).

Things are often overblown -- tripled lead vocals, guitar leads peppering any gap, sound bytes in the horrible 'Madagascar' range from Cool Hand Luke to Martin Luther King Jr. But the biggest surprise is that it's actually a real Guns'n'Roses album, a blip back to a different rock'n'roll era, despite the Nine Inch Nails sound effects and electro beats picked up over the 14-year sprawl-in-the-making (not to mention the Terrence Trent D'Arby dreads!?). It's better than the mess of a double album Use Your Illusion (1991).

-->Axl's Underachievement Score: A-. Guns'n'Roses have three studio releases of original material over a 20-year period.

Fourteen years in the making, Chinese Democracy only wins silver in an album's delay. The gold honors go to Brian Wilson/Beach Boys' Smile (2004), which took nearly 30. In 1967, Wilson tried to one-up the Beatles' Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band -- which had tried, and failed, to one-up the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds (aka 'best album of all time,' 1966). The Smile project was flooded with over-thought arrangements and lyrics, which led to Brian's madness (more or less), an eventually scrapped album, then a jarringly barebone follow up Smiley Smile that (other than 'Good Vibrations') barely hinted at what the vision had been. Brian Wilson assembled some studio musicians to 'finish' (re-record) the original Smile in 2004, so unlike Axl's, the finished work wasn't continuously worked on and re-tooled over a long period of time; it was merely scrapped, forgotten, then returned to. Notably, the final version of Smile didn't show any real changes from leaked demos from 1967 -- no funk guitars, wah wah pedals, rap breaks, slap bass or four-on-the-floor disco beats had been picked up along the way. It's interesting, but there may be a reason Brian got frustrated (and crazy) in 1967 -- he was reaching too far.

--> Brian's Underachievement Score: D-. Brian needed 27 years for Smile, but no apology needed for churning out breathtaking song after breathtaking song through most of the '60s. He also re-emerged from the Smile disaster to make a few worthy songs here an there, particularly on 'Honkin' Down the Highway' in 1978. Plus he can use illness as an excuse.

Brian and Axl's other separated triplet of underachievement is Tennesseean Quentin Tarantino, who burst with promise with a two-fer of 'isn't violence funny?' movies: Reservoir Dogs (1992), Pulp Fiction (1994). Then he ran out of ideas. Three years later, he did a version of an Elmore Leonard novel with the so-so Jackie Brown (1997), then waited six more years before bringing out an original story again with Kill Bill Vol I & II (2003 & 2004), which seemed to stem from a Pulp Fiction joke about a TV pilot of the 'Fox Force Five.' He's talking of adding Vol III & Vol IV in another ten years.

-->Quentin's Underachievement Score: B-. If not for Kill Bill, Quentin would lead Axl.

Failed Bands of Oklahoma sympathize with the creative trappings of these nonfailed artists, but do ask for an apology from each.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: '(In Defiance of all the Critics) New FBO Band Makes Debut Rehearsal'

The new Failed Bands of Oklahoma band -- The Failed Bands of Oklahoma -- practiced last night as a four piece, after one of the five members (Eric Davison) had to step down from band participation due to scheduling conflicts (despite some reports, he was not fired).

Here is a sample of the goods to come in the double B-side single in early 2009:




FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Why Don't Future-Failed Bands Talk with Us More?'

BROTHERS, SISTERS! STOP THE VIOLENCE!
Budding new bands miss out on an untapped resource for plotting out how to name their band, design promotional materials, think of themes for songs, and where to insert guitar solos: failed bands.

The FBO is always available to offer for free consultation to new future-failed bands.

The 'digital revolution' of recent years -- with Garage Band mini-studios on every Mac, YouTube.com and blogs to post videos and MP3s -- essentially allows more people to be 'in a band' and write/record music than every before. Even ten years ago, perhaps 15, you really had to want to be in a band -- now just tap the fake-sax on your keyboard.

It's good, but leads to a bunch of junk too.

One thing that caught the FBO eye is teenage Italian goth-metal band Soul Cry, who had two members (an 18-year-old singer and her 16-year-old brother) STAB the guitarist 50 times for 'playing badly' in rehearsal (see story). Unbelievably, the guitarist is doing OK.

The FBO appreciates the band's attention to detail, but only wishes that Soul Cry had contacted us first. Stabbing bandmembers is a no-go.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'North Dakota Week (Hidden Track)'

NORTH DAKOTA'S GRADE FOR USA TODAY: 'F!'
North Dakota is used to false reports and misconceptions and an unfair shake of things. It's the least-visited state, and most who stop to consider it at all think of it as the coldest (it's not) or by the actors portraying Minnesotans in the film Fargo. Last week, USA Today one-upped the ante, with an article, following up on the Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich story, that slams the 'Peace Garden State' as the nation's most corrupt.

That'd be fine if it were at all true. It's not. And North Dakota is rightly furious about it.

The editorial pages of the Grand Forks Herald called it a 'laughable claim,' and the state Attorney General Wayne Stenehjem called it 'patently ridiculous.' The Bismarck Tribune added if the claim is true, then 'there are legions of elected and appointed officials from other states who can walk on water.'

There's some facts on their side, apparently. Some half of the 'guilty officials' sited as corrupt of the state's 600,000 residents, were local, not state, officials, including many officials from a Chippewa reservation (which operates outside the state jurisdiction). The Grand Forks Herald claims the last North Dakota state official to be found guilty of corruption was in 1954. In a New York Times article on the controversy, the Herald editor said he could only recall a state legislator being charged for shoplifting some peanuts, back in 1981.

North Dakota Attorney General: 'These groups that grade states should be graded themselves. This group deserves an F.' (Referring to Corporate Crime Reporter, who -- in 2004 -- called North Dakota the second-most corrupt state (after Mississippi).

The FBO sees many comparisons between failed bands, lack of awareness of failed bands, and frequent dissent over failed bands' collectives such as the FBO -- and with the barrage of disrespect given to North Dakota over the years.

We side with our adopted state on this issue, and ban USA Today from linking to our site for eight full weeks.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'North Dakota Week (Conclusion Postponed)'

Despite overwhelming positive reaction to the FBO North Dakota Week, the concluding portion -- including a music video -- must regrettably be postponed at least one week.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'North Dakota Week: NAM's Center'

RUGBY FLASHBACK
I went well out of my way, on May 10, 2001, to reach Rugby, the geographical center of the North American continent. A little on a Great Plains map can mean hours -- and I didn't question my decision for a second.

Here's my journal entry from that day:

The Rugby visitors center is why you travel.

Located across the road from the cute stacked-stone geographical center of North America marker, the worker here -- dressed in a 'Rugby - Geographical Center of North America' jacket -- is a serious, bald, 35-year-old local who sells Mexico and Canada flags along with US ones to keep the North American focus. He takes that seriously. He pulled out travel planners he's painstakingly collected from all 50 US states and much of Canada -- to have onhand, as a defacto representative of North American travel, here in a sad wind-swept town far from an interstate.

'It's something,' he said in an eager monotone, with a trace of a Fargo accent. 'You really learn which states have the highest tourism budgets and which don't.' Which have the least? 'Oh Virginia, definitely. They sent us just one guide. Said if we wanted more we'd have to pay postage,' he added without a trace of resentment. 'But New Jersey, they sent us cartons of magazines and brochures. They sent us 1000 New Jersey maps.' I laughed at this, but he clearly saw no humor in it.

Rugby wants to create a new visitors center, but ran out of money. He showed me three separate artists' renderings of a new proposed center. I left to check out the North American stone marker across the street, first asking if it really was the real geographical center.

'Oh no,' he said. 'The actual spot is 16 miles south -- in the middle of a swamp.'

The FBO is considering a failed bands show in Rugby.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'North Dakota Week T-Shirt'

NORTH DAKOTA WEEK CONTINUES... WITH MERCH
FBO fans ask for an official North Dakota t-shirt. And one is delivered. It can be ordered here.

Careful observers will note a Dakota swap in the clip art. (Only South D was available.)


More North Dakota-related posts will resume tomorrow.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Launches North Dakota Week'

FBO ADOPTS NORTH DAKOTA
The USA's least-visited state -- sometimes misinterpreted as the coldest of the contiguous 48 (Maine is colder, for instance), and made fun of by a movie that takes place in next-door Minnesota (Fargo) -- is getting the last laugh on the rest of us, it appears. According to a New York Times article a few days ago, North Dakota is, more or less, taking a bypass around the recession. It enjoys a $1.2 million budget surplus, the nation's lowest unemployment rate and a recent rise in real-estate values. Good for them.

The FBO has particularly been a fan of the state's punk-rock threats of renaming its state -- from 'North Dakota' to simply 'Dakota,' which pops up in its state legislature every couple years. Predictably South Dakota -- the more famous twin -- gets furious over the notion, but the FBO thinks more states should remain fluid with its nomenclature. Some examples:

*New Jersey --> York. The only thing that could possibly make New Jersey cool is upsetting New York (the Boss certainly hasn't done it). Another option would be simply Manhattan.
*West Virginia --> Authentic Virginia. No one will know which came first after 80 years.
*Oklahoma Panhandle --> Actual Massachusetts

We visited North Dakota in the tender days of early 2001, arriving in Fargo's proud, just-opened tourist information center -- fashioned from a giant grain elevator, and excited to launch a full tourism campaign for a state everyone skips -- the same day USA Today slammed the city as the 'country's ugliest city.' That's just mean.

The FBO adopts North Dakota. And bans the USA Today editorial board for three weeks.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Failed Bands of Oklahoma Band Meets'

NEW FBO BAND WEIGHS OPTIONS



Despite the critics' calls for the Failed Bands of Oklahoma to stay away from rehearsal spaces and livehouses, the FBO band -- a five-piece featuring (so far) Joe Guerrero, John Whitaker, Eric JJ Davison, Doug Russell and Robert Reid -- met, talked, discussed instruments in possession and set plans to write/record a 2009 FBO Anthem 'Be in a Band.'

There is also the possibility of an 18-minute conceptual recording called '1812 Mind Control.'

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Responds to Critics'

Here we go again. The latest FBO initiative -- to form an all-new, short-term FBO band in the semi-permanent hub of Brooklyn, New York -- has unleashed a storm of criticism, who wonder why the Failed Bands of Oklahoma should bother.

The FBO responds:



Meanwhile, the FBO would like to welcome an outgoingly positive new fan -- one who could potentially top our Top Fan in a future poll -- Sue Seeger, who is an artist.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'How to Make a Pilgrim Hat'

WHY ARE WE SO SCARED OF CRAFTS?
Over the years, some stories in our world histories get exaggerated and amended beyond any recognition to the truth of the tale. One example that has NOT been changed is the fact that the first American pilgrims wore very interesting hats. Solid-gold or solid-silver, or some cheap proxy thereof, buckle in front of a gallon-top black-felt hat.

To tribute these heroes, the FBO recommends -- this Thanksgiving -- to make and wear a hat.



Here's how:

ACQUIRE:


* 10x13" black construction paper
* 9x12" gray construction paper
* some tape, some glue

WHAT TO DO:

1. Cut a big oval out of the black construction paper.
2. Cut a strip of paper to make a band to put around the boy's head, tape it. Put that circle (slightly oval) on the paper to trace the inner circle. Then draw a circle around it. Leave about a 2" brim on 3 sides and about 4" on the "front".
3. Draw the trapezoid, and cut out the gray parts. (see photo)
4. Cut out a band and band and buckle out of gray paper.
5. Glue the hat band on the hat and then the buckle on top of the band.
6. Bend the hat piece up and try on the child.
7. You may need to adjust the opening to fit the individual child's head.
8. On the underneath side, apply tape to the two points where the hat bends. This will help reinforce the stress point, and hopefully prevent tearing.

Directions courtesy of Crafts.Kaboose.com.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Failed Bands of Oklahoma to Form Band'

NOW TAKING APPLICANTS
The Failed Bands of Oklahoma seeks four to 12 potential bandmembers to join a short-term Brooklyn-based project to create a double B-side single for the FBO's 2009 thematic composition 'Be In a Band' -- which will be part of the FBO's 2009 campaign to foster the formation of 125 bands worldwide in 2009.

If you are in the area December and January and interested in joining, let us know.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Tall Tales Takes Tip from Doors'

The Doors recently re-mixed and re-did their albums -- Ray Manzarek needed the money -- and have done, Tall Tales' Dan Fallis reports, an amazing job and uncovering lost things in the old mixes, like backups and more tolerable keyboard parts from the spectacled Mr Manzarek.

FBO Member #001 Tall Tales, perhaps, may follow suit.

37-1/2 MINUTES?
In its earlier pre-failed incarnation, the band released four 'albums' on cassette only -- Tall Tales, Your Analysis, Crime in a Bucket and Damn Kat (the latter using a discarded artwork of a cat defecating, found at a Tulsa Kinko's) -- then topping it off with a lone CD, the 66-minute, 25-track 69 Minutes in 1993.

As it was the first time in a real studio (ie one with more than an eight-track recorder), TT mixed up the songs; 11 were re-done songs from the cassette albums, the rest new songs or old ones never recorded. Ambitious, but in the end, one could argue, it lost a little cohesion for casual listeners in the expanded 66-minute format. (Before downloads destroyed the idea of albums, CDs in general watered them down by expanding the length from a more manageable, listener-friendly 44 minutes to 60-plus; por ejemplo compare the Stones' Tattoo You with the rambling, awful Steel Wheels or Bridges to Babylon or A Bigger Bang.)

The FBO recommends for 69 Minutes' 16th anniversary next spring to re-package the CD as a download to focus on at-the-time fresh material only. The suggested new song order is:

1. STUCK
2. OTHERS
3. 2nd NEW SONG
4. I LIVE HERE YOU LIVE IN WISCONSIN
5. WASTED
6. SUICIDAL MUPPETS
7. STATION
8. BOWLING
9. OVER AND OVER
10. I'M SO WHITE
11. TIME*
12. SHEEPS-A-GRAZIN'
13. BARREL OF FUN

* 'Time' previously appeared on Tall Tales, but the FBO allows one re-hash, and this one has a fully extended outro that qualifies it for inclusion.

--> The new name of the album could either be 37-1/2 Minutes, or Skip the Rock, or Tall Tales Won't Try.

It's possible to download, or hear snippets, of 69 Minutes here.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Chip Dalby's Size Queens Releases LP'

The trans-national band Size Queens - once chiefly in San Francisco - are very good. Graduates of Glasstown, a remarkable failed band which at least one FBO member contributed to by forming the first fan club band in behalf of (during the premier .com bubble), Size Queens' new album Magic Dollar Shoppe is available in cheat 30-second snippets at their myspace page, or downloaded in full from CD Baby.

Former Oklahoman Chip Dalby plays drums.

A video snippet:



You can also hear some songs at Our Literal Speed.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'OKC Flag Exhibit Lacks Professionalism'

IDEA'S GOOD, EXECUTION IS A TRAVESTY

There are three great dreams in life, the opportunity to:

* design a sports team name, logo, uniform
* name a band and design an album cover
* make a flag

The 'Thunder' recently offered Oklahoma a chance to chip in on a new sports franchise -- and dropped the ball figuratively with font-less uniforms, then later literally with the team's roaring 1-8 start. Meanwhile, apparently trying to fix the unbroke, the City Arts Center in Oklahoma City recently asked 46 artists to re-create the single best flag of all time: the Oklahoma flag.

The exhibit, '46 Flags,' is on exhibit through December 20, and is free to see (9am to 10pm Mon-Thu, 9am-5pm Fri & Sat). All spin off the 1925 original, a winning flag from a 1925 competition as designed by Louise Fluke -- possibly the best flag-making name of all time as well.

We'd love to endorse the exhibit, but there are some problems.

--> First of all the City Arts Center makes no mention of this interesting exhibit on its website. 'It's been handled with our community outreach department, so it definitely wouldn't be on the website,' a museum employee explained. Instead the website plugs remarkably uninteresting exhibits, such as Oklahoma artists painting Oklahoma City neighborhoods and holiday pottery.

--> Secondly, according to an article in Oklahoma Today, it began when gallery curator Hugh Meade moved to Oklahoma and made his own Oklahoma flag with a single star for the state's independent spirit, black accents for petroleum and green to highlight the landscapes.

Hugh Meade, who apparently is related to Betsy Ross (an overrated flag-maker), appears to know nothing about making flags himself. To quote Michael Stipe, consider this:

* the flag ignores the state's Native American roots; the present flag -- the one he thought wasn't good enough -- is essentially the only state flag that incorporates Native American symbols in its flag (though sadly not its quarter)
* petroleum is NOT black
* over half the state is NOT green

The FBO issues a stern warning to color-blind Hugh Meade regarding flag-making. Perhaps in the future, keep it to the professionals.



--> The above improved 'USA flag' was designed by the FBO in April 2007; look here.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'The Coldplay Bass Player (Pts 2 & 3)

CANCELLED

The FBO has learned that Guy Berryman, bass player of Coldplay, has a bit of a following, as seen from this ridiculous website. Hence, Berryman is unfit for further discussion in this forum.

--> Parts 2 and 3 of the previously planned three-part series have been cancelled.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'The Coldplay Bass Player (Pt 1 of 3)

The Failed Bands of Oklahoma holds a special affection for the overplaying bass player -- those who put a bit too much energy into the act of performing mere quarter notes normally used as the backbone for harmless mid-range pop songs, such as the entire Smithereens catalog. It's even better, in our view, when no one knows they exist.

On recent cultural symposia tours overseas, the FBO noticed something surprising: Coldplay actually has band members, including the Coldplay Bass Player (Guy Berryman). In a tender track, 'The Hardest Part,' with a video made that you're invited to laugh at -- it shows a 75-year-old woman dancing for a third-tier cable network -- Berryman's excess energy at the 2:45 mark stood out.

--> See it here:



The first couple Coldplay videos -- you remember 'Yellow' don't you?, 'The Scientist'? -- were distinctive for showing only the nice-but-you-still-kind-of-want-to-punch-him leader singer Christian Martin. No band members. So when they started making an appearance -- as if they really were party of the 'band' -- it felt strange.

The FBO bans Christian Martin from using this site for three weeks. And we urge all bands to show a more fair, representative breakdown of band members in their videos. Though a key player can break away to 'act' a part of the video -- as occurs in Quarterflash's 'Harden My Heart' or in Tommy Shaw songs from Styx's 'Kilroy Was Here' vehicle.

--> If you know of other bands who've made videos that need to be banned, please let us know.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'More Talk about the Election'

Oklahoma got a knock on the 'will you vote for a black man?' storyline this week, but it's worth noting how the US is way ahead of the supposedly more progressive places in Western Europe. The New York Times -- doggedly chasing the race issue -- followed up the story with a revealing knock on the south as a whole yesterday, then added a more fascinating comparison with Europe today.

I'm reminded of my days in a fraternity in college -- a not-altogether worthless experiment, I should add (impromptu football games any day of the week are hard to knock) -- and of one of the more embarrassing moments that sticks out from the experience: rush.

In my first year as a 'brother,' I sat out most of the goings-on of the next year's ugly 'rush' process, where incoming Freshman were judged by shoes, haircuts and sporting successes -- or likelihood of scoring at various functions. It was ugly, and I knew it.

Everyone admitted, though, that rush there was one incoming 18-year-old who clearly stood out above all the others. The sharpest, most engaging of the several hundred pouring through the doors -- no one doubted the fact. But our rush-team crew refused to even ask him back for the second phase of rush. He was black. Not sure whatever happened with him -- but our house sure could have used him.

You'd think when you're faced with such situations, you'd rise -- like Al Pacino's spout offs in the blind-guy movie against Ivy League hypocrits. I didn't. Perhaps because I was still a bit unsure of myself, having just joined a house of intimidating older guys who had hazed us all the previous year. But I did say things to friends in-house at the time. Too bad I didn't stand up and say more.

Here's for change.


FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Tall Tales Played a Show'

IT HAPPENED

FBO spoke with members of FBO #001 Tall Tales about their Saturday night show in Norman. Here's what was gleaned:

* Norman's Deli, while atmospheric, doesn't 'go for' sound checks, so the TTs rushed off with practice amps to have a two-song warmup at drummer Alan Hiserodt's business offices nearby (the music school).
* Alan, meanwhile, was supposedly suffering early on from a chili burrito of sorts.
* TTs played till nearly 1am.
* TTs threw in a surprise rendition of John Cash's 'Folsom Prison Blues' at one point -- spurred on by singer Danny Fallis (to give his windpipes a break).
* Some CDs of the TTs 'Pot Pie' record were given away.
* One song, 'Tables & Chairs,' began with drums.
* Several members of FBO's Soul Shaker were in attendance.

We're looking forward to hearing more about the FBO-induced performance, as well as posting any mp3s, videos or photos from the show.

If you were there, we'd like to hear about it.

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'How Oklahoma is Perceived'

Oklahoma gets in the news for three things:

* football
* tornadoes
* embarrassing things like book burnings or elected officials saying 'gay people' are more of a threat to our country than terrorists (then getting re-elected)

Last Tuesday, the divide between red and blue votes was as wide as any place in the nation. This could be partly due to the fact that the Democrats didn't spend time/energy/money campaigning in Oklahoma. But the New York Times highlighted a few other reasons in a rather unflattring article Saturday.

It's probably worth reading.

[THIS POST EDITED, BASED ON POOR RESEARCH SKILLS BY FBO IN THIS CRUNCH PERIOD FOR NEW CONTENT.]

FBO Admin
Mobile/Semi-Permanent HQ -- Brooklyn, NY

FBO: 'Tall Tales Bracing for Livehouse, More Shows Possible'

Danny Fallis says of this Saturday's show:

"We are really excited to be playing for the first time in 14 years. I only wish that Rob Reid and his Rickenbacker were going to be joining us on stage Saturday night. The other members of the band and myself have been working overtime to try and make up for his absence. We look forward to being able to play with him in the future"

R Reid adds:

"There is always the FBO Panhandle Show!" (tenatively scheduled for May 2009)

Meanwhile, a Tall Tales video flashback with fake live footage, courtesy of Oklahoma's Jim Gibbons:



FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Bogota, Colomba

FBO: 'FBO Member #001 TALL TALES Takes Stage for First Time in 14 Years'

THERE MAY BE NUDITY
It's been 14 years since Tall Tales has pressed a distortion pedal, hit a tom drum, or skatted in a livehouse. No burned stuffed animals at nuclear-waste-awareness shows in Oklahoma towns with a population of 7000. No 9-string 12-string guitars plucked out of tune. No tripped Chip Dalbys over Stillwater monitors. No hand-out programs with interviews of bass player Mitch Newlin. No choreographed jumps on songs about whaling. No matching orange-plaid jackets. No fake country songs, no impromptu U2 covers. No mullets or moustaches. No 'Dry Paint.' No betwixt-song banter lasting as long or longer as the songs themselves. That changes this Saturday night.

Drummer Alan Hiserodt (not pictured) offered a few sneak previews of what may or may not happen:

* The hit single 'Station' now features a middle drum/Danny hip-hop break.
* The first song may involve trompe l'entendre (trick hearing).
* The final song could include male nudity.

Also, the show will not include songs from the following EP 'LIVE from a Place in Oklahoma' (2006), Tall Tales' most recent release:



The show is around 9pm at THE DELI, Saturday, November 8. Locust Avenue -- featured Todd Walker -- will open.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Bogota, Colombia

FBO: 'Yet Again Rush Creates Love'

VALENTINE ROCK
REM's barnburning tour across South America will likely be a hit, and a lot of fun for the three-piece with bad hair, but in no way will it compare with another gringo three-piece band's success down here: RUSH.

The top progressive rock band of all time, according to a recent FBO poll, pulled out peppy classics like 'By Tor & the Snow Dog' to delight over 100,000 mostly 20-year-olds in Rio for a triple-live album. If you don't believe that model-looking young women and men can't go ga-ga for Rush, watch this priceless video of 'YYZ':



I mean, really.

Today in a north Bogota hotel's breakfast area, FBO overheard a young Venezuelan/American couple -- maybe 21 or 22 -- chatting over eggs. The Venezuelan guy suddenly broke into this, copied into the FBO diaries in real time:

'In Canada there's this progressive rock band with an unreal drummer. Some drummers just sound like drum machines [simulating a 10-tom fill], but this band Rush's drummer is different. Neil Peart. I don't have any of their music on my iPod, but I have some songs from my old band like that I can play for you. Our drummer was like that too. It's amazing.

The Colorado blonde countered:

'Sounds cool.'

For REM, everybody hurts. But only Rush fosters young love, young international love.

Rush4ever.

FBO Admin
Mobile HQ -- Bogota, Colombia

* More evidence of how well Rush translates to the southern America: